Green Joke (1)

Some entertaining and little bit of education, Nothing wrong with this. two birds, one stone. Good for you.

For all of you that click on to this page (200 and more reviews everyday) to read all the jokes that never leaves any feedbacks………I have this question for you………..Do you like it or not? What happen????? Don’t care to share it? Because very few of you that send feedbacks.

For those of you who like to practice oral English. Try this…………Try to read it out loud as you are the one who sharing the jokes in English with your friends. Repeat it until you don’t have to read it from the screen of the computer or from the printouts. Then you have it.

I think this will be a good and fun way to practice, the “Grammar” may not be perfect, but in the form of jokes…No one really cares. Also is a good way to train your “train of thoughts”.

Have fun!!!

Boyfriend wants to have sex with his girlfriend, but ashamed of his small organ…...decided to bring girlfriend in dark place, open his zipper and put penis in GF’s hand…...GF: No thanks , I don’t smoke!

Some days ago, when I walked in the small street in Shenzhen city, a hot girl flattering her eyes to me said hi, baby, are you free, come on, make me say Ah with your dick, OK?

And I said, no problem, I would fuck you bottoms up and make you feel like flying in the heaven!

A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it."

The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

Three drunk friends made a bet whoever can make their wives scream the longest during sex win 1000. Next day when they met,

First guy: I made love to my wife 2.5hours and she was screaming for 1.5hours.

Second guy: I licked my wife for 2hours and she was screaming whole time and even 1/2hour after I was done.

Third guy: That’s nothing, I made love to my wife 10mins and I came twice, wipe my dick on the curtain and my wife still screaming at me up to now!

An elephant asks the camel: Why do you have your boobs on your back?

The camel answered: What a silly question from someone with a big penis on his face……A pass-by snake laughs at the two. "What are you laughing at, you stupid face on penis!" replied the two.

Q: What is the strongest muscle?

A: The tongue—it can raise a woman’s hips.

Q: What is the lightest muscle?

A: The penis—it can be raised by a tongue.

A guy asks hooker how much?

She says: $50 on bed, $20 on sofa, $10 on grass.

He gave her $50.

She says: You’re a man of class. One time on bed?

Guy said: No! Five times on grass!

A little kid says to his mother, "Mommy, last night I saw you sitting on Daddy’s belly and jumping up and down. Why were you doing that?" She says "Oh, uh, I was just trying to squeeze the air out of Daddy’s belly." So the kid says, "I don’t know why, the neighbor lady’s just gonna blow him up again tomorrow."

Sales girl: Excuse me sir, you cannot smoke here......

Customer: But I bought these cigarettes from your store……

Sales girl: Sir we also sell condoms, but it doesn’t mean you can fuck here.

This guy has a girl friend named Wendy who finally convinces him to tattoo her name on his penis... well when it’s soft you can only see W Y.

One night they go out and he goes to the restroom. He sees a tall black guy standing at the urinal next to him and notices a "W Y" tattoo on his penis too.

He hesitates then asks the guy if his girlfriend’s name is Wendy too. The guy replies: "No, why?"

He explains that his girlfriend had him get "Wendy" tattooed on his penis and it too only shows W Y when it’s soft. Then he asks the guy... so what’s your tattoo say when it’s hard anyway?

The guy replies "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day!"

A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks. He noticed a female horse.

Captain: What’s that horse for?

Soldier: Our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex.

Captain: Ah, it is ok.

(One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier brought the horse to his tent. The captain fucked the horse. After that, he saw the soldier smiling outside his tent)

Captain: It’s so hard! .......how do you do it?

Soldier: We ride on the horse to the next town where the girl are.

Captain: Son-of-a-bitch!!!

Little John attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, John asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

John, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.　　

Girl: Father, I have sinned.　　

Preacher: What did you do, little girl?　　

Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a "son of a Bitch."　　

Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?　　

Girl: He touched my breast.　　

Preacher: You mean like this? (The guy did it.)　　

Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.　　　

Preacher: That’s no reason to call him that.　　

Girl: But he also took off my cloth.　　

Preacher: You mean like this? (He did it again.)　　

Girl: Yes, that’s what he did.　　

Preacher: That’s still no reason to call him that.　　

Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my, you-know-what...　　

Preacher: (evil laugh...) you mean like this? (And you-know-what)　　

Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, that’s what he did...　　

Preacher: My dear girl, that’s still no reason to call him a...　　

Girl: But he had AIDS!!　　

Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!

Farmer bought a milking machine. Tried it on his penis and had an orgasm but he can’t remove it. So he read the manual and fainted. It says: AUTO-RELEASE AFTER 1 LITER

What is a HYMEN?

Answer: a sheet of flesh inside a woman’s vagina. Its purpose is to greet entering penises…."Hi men!"……

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 22) was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Boy what is your problem?"

He answers, "I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took him to the principal’s office. While the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think he can go to third-grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?" Both the principal and the boy agree.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? "

Boy, after a moment : "Legs."

Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I” sort of questions, okay?

Boy: Yep.

　　

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.

Boy: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy: Firetruck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ & if you don’t get it you have to use your hand.

Boy: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of; it’s longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?

Boy: SURNAME

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, keeps pumping, & is responsible for making love?

Boy: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher "Send this boy to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Penis says to his two balls, "I will take you to a party tonight."

The two balls replied, "You, bloody fucking liar, you always get inside and leave us outside"

Mrs.: doc, how is my husband?

Dr: he’ll be ALL RIGHT!

Mrs.: what? After that horrible accident?

Dr: yes, we cut off his LEFT arm and LEFT leg, so, all RIGHT now!!

Dr to President Bush: Mr. Bush, you have a perfect brain!

Mr. Bush: How?

Dr: There is nothing right in your left brain, and nothing left in you right brain.

Speaker: who among you had experienced having sex with a Ghost?

(A farmer raised his hand)

Speaker: really? How does it feel to have sex with a Ghost?

Farmer: shit! I thought goats!!

How will a gentleman say to his dinner date when he wants to pee urgently?

“Excuse me; I have to shake hands with a friend of mine who hopes to meet you after dinner”

An Arab was interviewed at a U.S checkpoint.

Guard: your name please?

Arab: ABDUL AZIZ

G: sex?

A: 6 times a week.

G: I mean, male or female?

A: doesn’t matter, sometimes even camel

G: holy cow!!

A: yes, cows and dogs too!

G: man, isn’t that hostile?

A: hostile, dogstyle any style!

G: oh dear!!

A: deer? No deer! They run fast….

Q: why are typhoons named after women?

A: Because when they come, they’re wet and wild; and when they go, they take your house and car with them!

Little girl:”mommy, I just found out that the little boy next door has a penis like a peanut”

Mommy:”you mean it’s small?”

Little girl: no, it’s salty

Blond says to the doctor:”I think my tits are full of water”

Doctor:”how do u figure that?”

Blond:”every time a guy squeezes them my pussy gets wet”

Old man: doctor, I’m 90 and my 18 years old wife is pregnant!

Doc: let me tell you a story about an old hunter who, instead of his gun, brought his umbrella to the jungle, met a bear, aimed his umbrella, pulled the trigger and the bear dropped dead…

Old man: impossible! Somebody else must have shot the bear…

Doc: exactly!!

Man: my wife needs a bra but I don’t know the size…

Sales girl: don’t worry sir, touch my boobs and try 2 estimates.

Man: oh...I forgot!! She needs panties too!!

‘Sex’ is like a restaurant; sometimes you get good service … sometimes bad service,

… sometimes no service,

… and sometimes you have to be happy with….

News! A 90years old man starts make love to his 85 years old wife. He started sucking the breast, after 10 seconds, he died.

Autopsy report: cause of death, EXPIRED MILK!

A French man is standing in the checkpoint of the airport. The police found there are 5 briefs in his luggage. the French man explain, Monday to Friday, one day per one piece, but Saturday and Sunday, I make love with my wife, it’s unnecessary to wear briefs. Then, an Indian man, 12 briefs and explained: January, March....May....December.

There are 70 ways to make a woman happy, one is shopping and the rest is 69.

LITTLE GIRL: "Mom, what’s a Penis?"

MOM: "Be a good girl! If you grow up, you’ll get 1"

LITTLE GIRL: "what if I’m bad?"

MOM: "You’ll get MORE!"

One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom about courting. Flustered, she replied, “Tonight go watch your sis when she comes home with her boyfriend. That’s courting.”

The next day, Johnny tells his mother what happened.”Well, sis and her boyfriend came home last night and sat on the couch. They started kissing and stuff and I think sis was getting sick because she kept making faces. Her boyfriend must have thought so to, because he started feeling for her heartbeat like the doc. he wasn’t as good as the doc though, he missed an awful lot. That’s when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis said she was really hot. Then her boyfriend ripped off her blouse and bra, and I saw why he couldn’t get to her heart, there were these big bumps on her chest! He then rips off her skirt and undies and she has grown a lot of hair there, she should clean it more often. I guess her boyfriend thought so to because he started sucking there, licking using his fingers. Then sis yelled out to God and unzipped her boyfriend’s pants. This big snake jumped out and sis started to try and bite its head off. She stopped trying and then it squirted all over the couch. Then sis took off his pants and sat on the snake, I think they were trying to squish it. Sis started to bounce up and down on it. She said it was nearly as big as Daddy’s! Suddenly, she stopped and said she wasn’t on anything, but her boyfriend said it was too late. They had both come. So, did I explain it right?”

His mom fainted.

Son: mom, who’s my real father?

Mom: I don’t know son, because that time I was on dogstyle.

LAWYER: how many times were you raped by the accused?

GIRL: I was raped 3 times!

ACCUSED: liar! Hey you, 2 times only!

GIRL: why 2 times only? The one when I am on top is not counted?

Judge: why did you kill your boyfriend?

Lady: he picked me up from school, took me to a bedroom, removes my uniform, laid me on the bed, spread my legs & then said…joke, joke, and joke!!!

A woman was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. Her husband walks in and she says, "You’ve got to make love to me this very moment." The husband, thinking it’s his lucky day, makes love to her on the kitchen table. Afterward he says, "What was that all about?" She says, "The egg timer’s broken!"

Policeman arrested a prostitute.

Prostitute: I’m not selling sex.

Policeman: what is that?

Prostitute: I’m selling condom & offering free demonstration.

A Filipino caught his wife & driver in his car in 69 position. The Filipino poked a gun at the driver & said:”So that’s why I don’t have son, I put in sperm, but you suck them out!’…

Making Love to...

How can you tell if you’re making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again till we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won’t hurt a bit.

And an airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

A man with a premature ejaculation problem goes to a shrink.

Man: Every time I have sexual relations with my wife I cum too early.

Therapist: Well, next time you feel the urge to cum too soon, scare yourself somehow, this should help.

On the way home the man stops into a hardware store and buys a starter pistol that makes a loud noise.

The man gets home to find his wife naked in bed. He jumps on her and they start getting it on.

Eventually they start 69ing, and the man feels the urge to cum so he shoots the pistol.

The next day the therapist asks the man how it went to which the man replied:

"Thanks a lot asshole my wife shat in my face, bite two inches of my dick and my neighbor came running out of my closet naked with his hands in the air."

Deaf People Signaling For Sex

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times."

Boss: let me fuck you, just 1 time, I’ll be quick, I’ll throw ¥1000 on the floor & before you bend &and pick it up, I’ll be done!

Girl likes the proposal & calls her boyfriend.

Boyfriend: ok but ask for ¥2000 & be very quick to pick up the money…

After 4 hours boyfriend calls &asks:”What happened?”

Girl: shit! It was all coins!!

As per doctors said, vagina is the best source of calcium, because it harden penis that has no bone.

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather humorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in. "P....E....N....I....S.." His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: **** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*****

NEW TECHNOLOGY!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,"

Mike replies. "There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Three USA educational institutions were commissioned by the government to discover why the human penis is shaped the way it is.

Colgate University allocated a budget of $500,000 for research. After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful fertilization.

The University of Texas spent $750,000 on a research program that lasted years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because it maximized the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex.

This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation. Finally, the Texas A&M University spent $3.95 on a copy of Playboy and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end.

Three Caves Test

In the Amazon rain forest, three explorers were walking. One was Irish, English, and the last American. Soon, they came across a tribe, and the leader of the tribe told them that if they wanted to pass through this territory, they had to pass the three caves test. The explorers agreed and asked what the three cave test was.

The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said, "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never been satisfied, and she must be satisfied."

The three men were hesitant but could not back out, so the American went into the first cave, drank the bottle, and died soon afterward. The Englishman was second. He went into the first cave, drank the bottle, and then went into the second cave. There was a lot of commotion and roaring. No one emerged from the cave.

Lastly, the Irish man went into the first cave and drank the bottle. He went into the second cave. At first, there was a lot of commotion, and then there was a soft purring sound. Then he entered the last cave. Two minutes later, he came out puzzled and asked, "Where’s the thorn in the woman’s foot...?"

The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why she doesn’t want to have sex with her husband any more.

"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t make much money and my husband doesn’t give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, So are you going to pay today or what?’ I always give him an ‘or what’.

That makes me late for work. I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to dock your salary, or what?’ That’s another ‘or what.’

On the way home, I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ And, again, I do an ‘or what’. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I’m all tired out and I don’t want sex anymore."

The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"

What’s the difference between a high school student from a college student when having their monthly period?

High school student: shit!!...I have!

College student: Yes!!!...I have!

Dear Dr Ruth,

I’m e-mailing to tell you my problem. It seems, I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He wants oral sex, regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd fun othel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld;;’cinsely ous mdyl nt’;dk~0................

Name 5 ROAD signs that describe d female organ:

1. Deep excavation

2. Slippery when wet

3. stop-on red signal

4. Slow-down on curves & humps

5. MEN AT WORK! :)

In a sex seminar the speaker asked a woman:”do you know what your husband is doing when you’re having an orgasm?”

Woman:”of course. He is playing golf!”

A guy and a girl were having sex in the car.

Guy: If I had known you were still a virgin, I would have taken more time.

Girl: Actually if I had known that you really had more time, I would have just taken off my panty hose.

"....Mary, why do you bring your kitty to the classroom?"

"Um....My sister’s boyfriend said last night I would eat your pussy tomorrow~"

In 1964 the first topless bar opened in San Francisco. The good news is the bar is still open. The bad news is same girls still work there.

The Best Law Enforcement

The LAPD (Chinese Gong’an), the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. "The rabbit had it coming."

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit."

Good Friends are like Underwear, they cover you.

Better Friends are like Condoms, they Protect u.

Best Friends are like Viagra, they keep you UP when you are DOWN.

A doctor walked back to the examining room to talk to an 80 years old man after a full physical examination.

The doctor checks the chart and told the old man, everything looks fine, “by the way” the doctor asked “How was your sex life?” The old man reply, “My sex life……” “I have sex almost every day”

The surprised doctor said “Please tell me how I can keep myself in shape so when I become 80 year old, I can have sex everyday like you?”

The old man tell the doctor, “No, No, No. What I meant was; I almost had sex on Monday, I almost had sex on Tuesday, I almost had sex on Wednesday, and I almost had sex on Thursday and I almost…………….. I have sex almost every day”.

"We take good care of your grandfather," the nurse at the retirement home told the worried relatives. "Every evening we give him a glass of warm milk, and a Viagra, and he sleeps well all night."

"Warm milk and Viagra? Why?"

"The warm milk helps him to fall asleep, and the Viagra keeps him from rolling out of bed."

Here is a husband and wife, they live on a farm....and they are lying in bed....the husband rolls over and grabs the wife by the tits and says if you could get milk out of these we could get rid of the cows.....

Then he grabs her by the pussy and says if you could get eggs out of this we could get rid of the chickens...

Then the wife grabs him by the cock and says if you could get this up ...I could get rid of your brother....

What do a 9 volt battery and a woman’s asshole have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but eventually you put your tongue on it.

Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world is a penis. This is because it can be lifted up even by a simple thought.

Bloody nose

A man bought a bull from a local man. He was having trouble getting the bull to breed so he asked the man he bought it from.

The man said "just stick your fingers into the cows vagina and rub it on the bulls nose, he will get hard immediately.” Ok, so he goes home and tries it, sure enough the bull goes wild and scrumps the shit out of the cow.

That night the man is lying in bed and thinks that he might get his dick up if he tried the same trick with his wife. So when she’s sleeping he reaches over and sticks his fingers in her vagina, he rubs them under his nose and sure enough, here comes his hardon. So he wakes her up and says “Honey, look!" She rolls over and says "Big deal, you got a bloody nose."

Consent

A Frenchman was on trial for rape, standing in court, the judge says "tell me what happened". The Frenchman says well....... she took off her shirt, I took off my shirt. She took off her pants, I took off my pants.

The judge says, well that sounds like consent.

The Frenchman says, "Consent!" Your honor, I got cunt scent on my mustache, Cunt scent ona my fingers.....

A guy attending a wedding asks the person sitting next to him, ‘Hey, have you noticed how horrible-looking the bride is? Man, she’s ugly!’

’You jackass. That’s my daughter you’re talking about!’ the person responds.

’Oops! I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know you we’re the father.’

’I’m not, you stupid idiot. I’m the mother!’

Do you know why bra makers measure cup size by “A B C D E F”?

　　A ——Almost flat,

　　B——Barely noticeable,

　　C——Comfortable,

　　D——damn good,

　　E——extremely big

　　F——Fake

Harry 1028 goes to see his computer genius friend John, in his office. The first thing he notices is a really sexy looking secretary who leads him into John’s room. John is busy working on his computer.

"Hey John, how ya doin’ my man?" He says, "When did you hire your new secretary? She’s hot."

"Oh I didn’t hire her, I actually developed her." replies John, still working on his computer, "She’s a robot."

"Are you serious?" says Harry 1028 with a whistle, "She moves and talks just like a real girl."

"Yeah, and that’s not all. She makes coffee, does my filing and I can fuck her all I want." replies John with a smile, "In fact, you can take her to the next room and give her a fuck yourself. She’s really good."

"Yowza!" Laughs Harry and taking the secretary’s hand, he drags her into the next room, intent on fucking the daylights out of her. Soon afterwards, there’s a loud scream from Harry.

"Oh Hell," Says John, "I forgot to tell him, her axxhole is a pencil sharpener."

A man walks into his doctor’s office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him. The newcomer asks, "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?" The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor." "W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?" The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem. "A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat’s ttthat?" "Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."

Top Joke in Northern Ireland

A doctor says to his patient, ‘I have bad news and worse news’. ‘Oh dear, what’s the bad news?’ asks the patient. The doctor replies, ‘You only have 24 hours to live’. ‘That’s terrible’, said the patient. ‘How can the news possibly be worse?’ The doctor replies, ‘I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday’.

　　

Top Joke in Scotland

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

　　

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.

　　

Top joke in USA

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says:"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."

　　

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

　　

THE WINNING JOKE

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help.

First, let’s make sure he’s dead." There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

　　

Between the hole......

A woman out golfing was stung by a bee. Because the pain was so great she went back to the main building.

A man who helped golfers with their postures came up to her and asked what happened. After telling she was stung by a bee he asked where did this happen? She replied between the first and second hole.

He nodded and said to her: Your legs are too far apart when you golf.

Two doctors meet at a bar during a major medical conference, one male and one female. They both talk and one thing leads to the other and finally both doctors end up in a hotel room.

Before undressing the female doctor washed her hands, after sex with the male doctor she washed her hands again.

The Male doctor says "Let me guess, you’re a surgeon." The female doctor asks, "How’d you know?" The guy goes "You keep washing your hands." The female doctor replies, "You must be an anesthesiologist." The guy doc asks, "How you know?" The lady replies, "Because I didn’t feel a thing."

Sexy deaf-mute went to see DR. so she can learn to speak:

DR: ok, put your panty down, then turn around (DR puts bird inside)

Sexy deaf-mute: AAaa

DR: ok, tomorrow we learn how to say letter B!

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.

"Does anyone know what this is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!"

"Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy’s teeth!"

Plan B

A husband and wife are having sex with the window open when a bee flies in the window and into the wife’s vagina. The man and the woman freak out and decide to go to the emergency room.

When they finally get to see a doctor, the doctor says that his plan is to put honey on the tip of his penis, to start having sex with the woman, and then to attract the bee and pull out his penis along with the bee.

After a minute of discussion, the husband and wife agree to the plan.

The doctor starts having sex with the wife. At first the mood is still calm, but after a couple of minutes the doctor starts groping the wife’s breasts. She starts moaning and screaming along with the doctor. The husband yells, "Wait a minute! What the hell do you think you are doing doctor?" and the doctor replies,

"I’m changing to plan "B", buddy, I’m gonna drown this son of a bitch"

Last day at work

It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the coffee cup. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what’s the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

My Husband said, "Fuck him! ! ! ! Give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A leader entered a building to have a meeting and his driver followed, but the entrance guard stopped the driver.

"We’re together, why I’m prohibited to get in?” said the driver.

"Penis and balls are together, can balls go where penis goes?” replied the entrance guard.

Two Cannibals, pa & son hunting for food, saw a pretty lady swimming.

Son: Yes! We have something for lunch!

Pa: No way! We take her home & eat your mom!

Men were born from between the legs of a woman yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs. WHY? Because there’s no place like home.

Gold Medalist

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband’s like a 100 meter Olympic gold-medalist."

"How so?"

"He’s got his time down to under 10 seconds."

A lawyer confused about his math asked his secretary: if I give you &3M less 17%, how much would you take off?

Secretary: everything sir! DRESS, BRA, PANTY-ALL THE WAY!

An old man goes into a bar and while he’s drinking he notices a jar full of money. He asks the bartender what is the jar full of money for and he says that I can, tell you yet, you have to have few more drinks.

After a few more drinks, he then asks the bartender again. The bartender then says that you have to do 3 tasks in order to win that jar of money. First task you have to do is drink a 10 pound bottle of beer. Then you have to go in the back a pull a tooth from a bull then the last task he has to is screw a old lady.

　　

After he drinks the bottle of beer, now he’s really screwed up. Then he goes in the back and the bartender hears all of these noises that the bull is making and then the old man comes in and says "where’s the old lady that needs her tooth pulled"......

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten."

The first apple went in... But on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

This is the last time I am showing you!

A lonely woman is looking for an unusual pet. The pet store owner brings her a frog and says, "This frog has been trained to perform cunnilingus. Just $500.00!"

The woman buys the frog, takes it home, lies on the floor with her legs open. The frog does nothing. The woman angrily returns to the pet store and complains about the frog’s non-performance.

"Show me what you did," says the pet store owner. So the woman lies on the floor with her legs open. The frog just sits there.

The pet store owner moves over to the woman, puts his face between her legs, and yells to the frog, "All right, you little bastard, this is the last time I am showing you!"

The Old Nookie Green Joke

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail "Mary’s."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest!

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can’t believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes!"

　　

Girls’ night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That’s nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

The Tiger woods

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, and I’m not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That’s no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I’ve been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn’t do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He’d come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn’t do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He’d come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Church Bells

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!"

Widow: doctor help me, there is a vibrator inside my pussy!

Doc: It’s ok, I can take it out!

Widow: NO! Just change battery, because it’s slow already…!

Three guys walk into a hotel to stay for the night and the first guy asks if he can get a room

The lady behind the desk says yeah, but I am sorry sir there is 18 pigs in it will that be ok?

"Yeah that will be fine" says the man.

Next, the second guy asks for a room too and the lady says "yeah but there is 18 cows in it", the man says “Oh that is fine just give it to me I’m tired”.

The final guy asks if he can get one and she is like "yeah but there is 18 naked women in it." "Oh that sounds good," says the man, "I’ll take it”.

So the next morning all the guys are sitting around having breakfast and the first guy goes "damn! I feel like a pig I just slept with eighteen of them!"

The second guy goes "Man! I feel just like a cow I just slept with eighteen of them!"

The third guy goes, “Man! I feel like a golf ball, I just got done doing eighteen holes!

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."

The wife grimaces, "But I don’t like fishing!"

"Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final."

"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don’t want to go!"

"Right I’ll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don’t want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I’ve given you three options.. You’ll HAVE to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I’ll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn’t want to go fishing either."

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436."

Napkin makers are crazy! They work hard to keep women DRY while men work hard to make them WET! Besides, women do not need just wings; they want the whole bird!

Kissing is a habit, Fucking is a game.

Guys get all the pleasure, Girls get all the pain

　　

The guy says I love you, you believe it’s true

But when your tummy starts to swell, He says "To hell with you now!! "

　　

10 minutes of pleasure, 9 months of pain. 3 days in the hospital, 1 baby without a name. Now the baby is a bastard, the mother is a whore. This never would have happened, if the rubber hadn’t tore.

A man was sitting at the bar when a beautiful young woman approached him.

He invited her to sit with him and they started to chat. She introduced herself as Carmen.

"That is a beautiful name." the man replied. "Thank you, she said. It’s not my real name though."

"Did you not like your given name?" the man asked.

"Yes, I did like it, but I decided to change my name to my two most favorite things in the world: cars and men."

"What is your name?" Carmen asked.

"Beer Fuck"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now.............Base on the Carman’s rule.................What is your name?????

My name is: "Coitus Money"

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I’m sorry honey, but I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and is watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that’s some 10 times a month. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"

The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

Why is having Sex like riding a bike?

　　1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

　　2. It’s best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

　　3. You can do it with no hands, but it’s best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

　　4. It’s easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

　　5. You can do it by yourself, but it’s usually not as much fun.

　　6. It’s usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

　　7. It’s best to have a soft place to land.

　　8. You don’t need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

　　9. If you’re with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it’s usually best to slow down and wait for them.

　　10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

　　11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

　　12. If you fall off get right back on.

　　13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

　　14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

　　15. Make sure that you’ve got a firm grip.

　　16. Sometimes it’s nice to have a cushy seat.

　　17. Once you’re over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

　　18. That’s why some of them are called Mountin’ Bikes.

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.

But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I’LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"

ALL OF THEM

A couple was having financial problems until finally they couldn’t stand it anymore. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.

So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.

"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.

"Well", the woman responded, "I’ve made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."

"That’s strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"

Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"

This guy named John one day walks into the doctor’s office and says to the doctor "hhhhey dddoc i’ve gottt thisss studddddoring probbbbbblem. can youuu helllp me???

　　

The doc says "sure but first I need to know what may be causing this strange problem.” John replies "weeeell dddoc i’ve gottt a 12 incch ddick, coulddd that bbe the ppproblemm?. the doc says,"I think so, how about let me remove half of your penis and see how things go after that." John replies"doodo whatever itttt ttakes. ddoc" so after the procedure is over and done with, John comes back a week later and says to the doctor "Hey doc my voice is back to normal!! Its great but there’s only one thing wrong, now my sex life isn’t so great, can I have the other half of my dick back?? and the doc replies "I I I dddon’t thiiiiink sssso"

A lady goes to a tattoo parlor. She asks the tattoo guy to tattoo a thanksgiving turkey on the top of her left leg. She also asks him to tattoo a Christmas tree on the other leg.

When the tattoo artist asks her why she is getting a turkey and a Christmas tree. She says, “My husband is always complaining that there are no enough things to eat between thanksgiving and Christmas.’’

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Anything to eat????? You guys are so dirty minded. I’m talking lunch. Hahahahahah...............

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He’d walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.

Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.

She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn’t believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.

Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6’8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"

The biker answers, "I’m Cess."

Want to hear a FAIRY TALE?

Once upon a time, Cinderella was so horny! So she put Pinocchio’s nose between her legs & shouted,

"Lie to me you bstard, lie!!"

He came at night & explored my body.

He got on top of me & touched me.

He bit & sucked me.

When he was satisfied he left.

I was hurt.

Shit mosquito manic :)

A tribe in the jungle consider farting after every meal to be a sign of power, however the chief of the tribe finds it extremely difficult to fart.

His servant goes to the doctor and say "big chief, no fart" so the doctor gives him a pill

The next day the servant goes back to the doctor and says "big chief, still no fart" so the doctor gives him a big pill the size of his hand

On the third day the servant goes back and says "big chief still not fart" so the doctor gives a pill the size of a football

The next day the servant comes back and says to the doctor "big fart, no chief!"

The Elderly Couple

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We’re not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can’t go to her house. I am married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor’s office."

Unga Bunga

Once there were three scientists who were walking in the woods. They were searching for butterflies. While they were sleeping that night a tribe captured them and put them in a tent. The first guy wakes up and sees the tribe chief with a spear he says: Death or Unga Bunga? The first guy says: Unga bunga because I don’t want to die! So they take him away. Unga Bunga is a guy with a ten foot long dick and he sticks it up the other guys butt for ten seconds and then the second guy wakes up and he sees the first guy come staggering back saying: Pick death! Pick death! But the guy doesn’t believe him so he picks Unga Bunga. And then the same thing happens to him. Then the third guy wakes up and sees the guy staggering back saying: Pick Death! So the guy figures that what the heck? And he picks death and then the chief says: Death! by Unga Bunga!

The Old Couple

This man & woman have been married to each other for over sixty years. For the last few years the only sex they have, is she holds his penis in her hand.

Anyway, the husband comes home late one night and says "Honey I’m sorry, I still love you, but I’m leaving you for another woman."

The wife gets hysterical and starts screaming at him. "Well, is she younger than me?" He says "No." She screams "Well, is she prettier than me?" He says "Well, no." She asks "Is she rich?" He says "Hell no!" By then the woman has completely lost it, and screams at the top of her lungs, "Well then what does that BITCH have that I don’t have?" Husband replies with a grin "P-P-PP-Parkinson’s Disease."

Biggest Pee Pee

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who’s got the Biggest Pee Pee’". "How do you play that?" asked the redneck. "It’s easy’’ said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play." The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy’s. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe. "You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who’s Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I’m a redneck."

His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you’re 23."

Three dogs

It was a dismal day, and at the local vets surgery three dogs were discussing why they were there.

The first dog (a poodle) told the other two that he had chewed the master’s favorite slippers once too often , and was going to be put to sleep for the deed.

The second dog (a Yorkshire terrier) told a similar story about a new suite of furniture. He too was to be put to sleep.

"What about you, what’s your story?" said the poodle to the third dog, which happened to be a very large German Shepherd .

The German Shepherd proceeded to tell his story.

"My story starts when my pretty young mistress was taking a shower with the bathroom door open, and on seeing her in this state of undress, I barked very loudly. Startled, she then dropped the soap, and bent down to pick it up. Well, I don’t know what came over me, but I could not control my sexual urges."

"I suppose you are going to be destroyed?" said the poodle.

"No" said the german Shepard. "I am in to have my claws clipped!"

The Anniversary

An old couple were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary in the diner where they had their first date.

The wife says to her husband "do you remember when we came here all those years ago?"

"Yes" he relpies "and we went out to the alley way and had sex."

"Yes" she says "do you want to do it again?"

"O.K." he replies so they finish their meal and go out round the back of the diner.

He pushes her against the fence and lifts her skirt up and starts going at it like a wild one. A young man stops to watch. He is amazed to see how the old man can still go for it at his age. After 45 mins they finish and the wife returns to the diner.

The young man says, "How did you keep it goin for 45 minutes at your age? I hope I can do that when I am 80!"

"Well" says the old man, "50 years ago that fence wasn’t electrified!"

Wrong Way

A man’s wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman’s body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman’s eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.

"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman’s eyes.

"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."

Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife’s room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.

"Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."

Lonely on the Farm

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name’s Enoch... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you’d like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ‘em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that’s not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I’ve been alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

The Goodnight Kiss

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her? Darling, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It’s just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can’t"

Him: "I beg you ...”

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give your boyfriend a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

The facts about lunch

A little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what’s sex?"

Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.

He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thinks -- what the hell -- and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he’s finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Genie

One day, a husband and wife were out playing golf. The husband was having trouble teaching his wife how to play, as she was quite bad.

As the wife took her shot, she aimed it badly and the ball went right through the window of a nearby house.

"Now look what your lack of skills has gotten us into! We will have to go up there and apoligise!" proclaimed the husband.

The couple knocked on the door, and it was opened by a young man in his thirties. The couple saw the broken window, and a broken bottle near it.

"I’m terribly sorry about your window", said the husband. "What can we do?"

"Well", replied the man, "i must thank you. You see, I’m a genie and have been trapped in that bottle for over 500 years. So, as your genie, you have 3 wishes. But, if you wouldnt mind, I would like to keep one for myself?"

The husband and wife pondered this, and thought it acceptable.

"Fantastic", proclaimed the genie. "So, what are your wishes?"

The husband replied, "I would like 10 million pounds a year for the rest of my life".

"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will give you a long and healthy life too!"

It was the wife’s turn. "I would like a mansion in every country in the world, complete with servants."

"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will keep your home safe from bad weather and burgalars! And now for my wish. I have been stuck in that bottle for a very long time, and have forgotten what it feels like to be with a woman. If i could just spend some time with you, to fulfil my needs?"

The husband and wife pondered this and the wife asked her husband, "Honey, what do you think?"

"Well sweetheart, I think it’s O.K. I love you, and would do the same for you."

So after an afternoon of the genie and wife enjoying and pleasuring each other, the Genie asked the wife, "How old are you and your husband?"

"We’re both in our thirties. Why?" she replied.

"Wow, thirty years old, and you both still believe in genies?"

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I’m doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

The King

The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank’s most important clients.

After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardising the bank’s business relationship.

So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara.

The king thought for a while and said finally, "No problem! I have, I have".

One down, the lady thought up something more complex. "My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, "OK, I build, I build".

Realising that she was down to her last defence, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet.

Surely the king could not possibly fulfil this one. "Well," she said, "You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long penis."

The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, "OK, OK, I cut, I cut".

The bear and the hunter

There once was a hunter who went bear hunting with a shotgun. He saw a bear, fired and missed. The bear grabbed him and raped him. He was real mad, so he left to purchase an M-16 and came back. He saw the same bear, fired and missed. The bear raped him again. By this time he was furious, so he bought a rocket launcher. He went into the woods, found the bear, and fired. As several trees were falling to the ground behind him, the bear put it’s hands on it’s hips and said, "You’re not here for the huntin’, are you?"

What do a bungee jump and a whore have in common?

They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks you’re a dead men.

Teenage Pregnancy

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period For two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house and a very mature and a very distinguished man with gray hair gets out of the car.

The man, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps up to the door and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother, and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I will take charge.

　　

If a girl is born, I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a Beach villa, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it’s twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him," If there’s a miscarriage, you’ll have to screw her again."

In Mourning

　　

A woman had just lost her husband. So she meets a guy who is instantly interested in her. Well he is a patient guy and decides to be nice to her.

Well one day they go away on a vacation and soon things get heated up, but she takes everything off except for her black panties. So he asks her "Why the black panties?" So she says "Well I haven’t finished morning down there." So he says "ok". Anyway this goes on for two days and on the third day she notices that he has a black condom on. So she asks him, "What’s with the black condom?" So he replies, "I want to show you just how sorry I am."

Voodoo Penis

A certain married couple had a very healthy sex life. They had sex everyday; in the shower, on the kitchen counter, everywhere imaginable. In fact the wife was somewhat of a nymphomaniac.

One day the husband announced that he would be going on a week-long business trip. Deciding that she couldn’t go the week without sex she decided to visit a sex shop after she dropped him off at the airport. She was looking at the selections of dildos and could not find what she was looking for. She asked the man at the counter if he had anything really special. The man hesitated, looked around the shop, and took a deep breath, "I really shouldn’t be showing you this, but you look like a very special lady." He took an old looking wooden box out from under the counter and removed the lid. As the woman looked inside she announced that it was just like any other in the store. The man said, "Ah, but you see, it most certainly is not! It is the voodoo penis and all you have to do is say "voodoo penis" and then where ever you want it to go." The man decided to demonstrate the powers of the "voodoo penis". He commanded, "VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!" The dildo rose from the box and began its work on the door. The door began to buckle and sway. Splinters of wood flew around the room. The man yelled, "Voodoo Penis, return to the box!" The woman was so impressed with it she bought it right away and took it straight home.

The woman, excited to try it, undressed and commanded, "Voodoo Penis my crotch!" The penis went straight to pumping. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she decided that it was enough, only she had forgotten how to return it to the box. After tugging for what seemed like hours, she decided to drive to the hospital for help.

She put her clothes back on and began to drive, quivering with each thrust of the dildo. After one intense orgasm she swerved all over the road. A policeman, seeing this, pulled her over, and asked her if she had had something to drink.

She replied that she had a voodoo penis stuck in her crotch and it would not stop screwing her. The policeman smiled and in an arrogant tone of voice said, "Voodoo Penis, My ASS (放P)!"

Penis Appraisal

I, the penis hereby request a raise in salary for the following reason:

　　*I do physical labor

　　*I work at great depths

　　*I plunge headfirst into everything I do

　　*I do not get weekends off nor public holiday

　　*I work in a damp environment

　　*I do not get paid overtime

　　*I work in dark, poorly ventilated conditions

　　*I work in high temperatures

　　*my work exposes me to contagious diseases

MANAGEMENT RESPONSE

　　Dear penis,

　　After considering your request and assessing the arguments raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

　　*you do not work 8 hours straight

　　*you fall asleep on the job after brief work periods

　　*you do not always follow the orders of the management team

　　*you do not stay in your allocated position and often stay into other areas

　　*you do not take initiative & have to be pressured and stimulated to start working

　　*you leave the worksite rather messy at end of your shift

　　*you often fail to observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing

　　*you will retire well before reaching 65

　　*you are unable to work double shifts

　　*you sometimes leave your allocated position before completing the job

　　*and as if that were not all, you have been observed entering and leaving the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags

　　Sincerely, the management

Boy or Girl?

There were women waiting in a doctor’s office.

They started talking and one woman said, "I’m going to have a girl because I was on the bottom last time and I had a girl. I was on the bottom again this time so I’m going to have another girl."

One of the other ladies said, "I’m going to have a boy, I was on the top."

The last lady started to cry.

The two other ladies asked, "Why are you crying?"

She replied, "I’m going to have puppies!!!

What do men like the most about oral copulation?

The 10 min’s silence

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, "you’re gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.”

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. Straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.

"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!" says the pro.

A Guy Got Bit By Snake

2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming,

"A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!”

The other friend said, "don’t worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!”

So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.

"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says.

"It’s ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".

The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friend asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"

The other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"

　　

Freezing to death

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How’d you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That’s awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It’s very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That’s so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive."

What a fine bouquet

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I’m sorry sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man."

"I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great; I’ll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see’s him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary rubs this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here?"

The brilliant mathematician

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up."

Sex is like mathematics. Add the bed, minus the light, subtract the cloths, bring down the panty, divide the legs find the decimal point, and then get ready to multiply.

There was a fellow name John talking to his buddy one day. The John said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the John did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'!"

26 parts of men that are useless: 20 nails that cannot be hammered,1 Adams apple that cannot be eaten,2 nipples with no milk,2 eggs you cannot fry, and lastly, a bird that cannot fly!

God appears to a man and says he'll have to quit fags drink and sex if he wants to go to heaven. A week later god re-appears and asks him how it's going. Man says the fags and drink were easy to give up but when my wife bent over to take meat out of the freezer i couldn't resist i had to give her one there and then. God says they don't like that sort of thing in heaven. Man reply they don't like it in Tesco either...

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it. The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mother’s burden.

The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt. The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.

After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

Dentist had no erection on honeymoon, so he used finger.

Wife: what's this?

Dentist: oh, nothing honey, just a temporary feeling!

Sex is:

　　a duty if done with your wife;

　　an art if done with a neighbor;

　　education if done with a virgin;

　　science if done with a fertile woman;

　　business transaction if done with a prostitute;

　　social work if done with a friend;

　　& a charity if done with an old widow.

A judge has to convict two drug addicts but it is late on a friday and he can’t be bothered. So he says to them ’listen guys i can’t be arsed so if you come back on Monday having got some other people off drugs ill let you off.’ The two drug addicts nod and leave.

On Monday the judge asks the first guy ’how many people did you get then off the drugs’ and the guy says ’4 sir’ the judge asks him how and the guy replies ’I drew 2circles, one was massive and the other was small, I pointed at the big one and said this is the size of your brain before you get on drugs and then I pointed to the small circle and said this is the size of your brain after you’ve taken drugs’ the judge is very impressed and says ’very well I will let you leave without punishment.’

Then he then turns to the second guy and asks him how many people he got off drugs, "2542" replies the guy. The judge asks him how. ’Oh it was very simple’ he replies ’I used the circle method too only I pointed to the tiny circle and said this is the size of your asshole before you go to prison......And....’

A priest accidentally touched a nun’s legs

NUN: father, PSALM129….

Priest: sorry! When the priest arrived home, quickly get the Bible and read PSALM129…”GO HIGHER AND FIND GLORY…”

Priest: shit! What a waste!!

A priest lost a BIRD & asked during mass: Any 1 got a BIRD? All men stood up. I mean any 1 seen a BIRD? All women stood up. I meant any1 seen my BIRD? All nuns stood up!

Seven days makes one WEEK

Seven days of sex makes one WEAK

But no sex in a week makes one SICK

However good sex once a week makes one SEEK!

A Sikh, an Italian & a Frenchman were drinking in a pub when the subject of WOMAN came up in their conversation.

The Italian said, in Italy we treat the woman like a guitar. We press the top & tickle the bottom.

The Frenchman said, in France, we treat the woman like cognac. We smell first & then lick slowly. What about the woman in your country, Mr. Singh? The Italian asked.

In our country, we treat the woman like a record. First we play the front &/when we finish; we flip it over & play the back.

Men always say:

　　"I love you" to girls but do you know what’s the truth meaning of this?

　　"I"m

　　"L"ooking

　　"O"ver your

　　"V"aginal

　　"E"ntry

　　"Y"ou must take

　　"0"ut your

　　"U"nderwer

On the London-Paris train an Englishman (George) saw a Frenchman (Pierre) sniff on a small silver box hanging from his neck. Then the Frenchman was "out" for about one hour.

George: "Excuse me, but I hope you do not use drugs?"

Pierre:"Oh no" and showed George the box that was full with pubic hairs.

Pierre: “Every time I lay a woman I take one hair and when I sniff I remembers all women and go into trance!"

One month later they met again, this time George had his own box and Pierre said "Show me"

Pierre looked and in the box was two small hairs, then he sniffed and said: "Awful smell, taken too far from behind!"

Research: MEN are healthier than WOMEN because men get FRESH MILK, two PAPAYAS & a juicy OYSTER every night but women only get one BANANA, two MEAT BALLS & a teaspoon of YOGURT!

There was this girl named susie and she went to a missionary school. One day she had fallen asleep in class and the teacher asked her "Susie who was crossified on the cross for our sins?"

The kid behind her jabed her wth his pencile to wake her up and she yelled "GOD!"

The teacher asked her another qusetion later "Susie who gave there life up for our sins?" The kid behinde her jabed her agin and she yelled "JESUS CHRIST!"

She had fallen asleep agin later and the teacher asked her "What did Eve say to Adam after there 23 child?"

The kid behinde her jabed her agin and she yelled:

"IF YOU JAB ME IN THE ASS WTH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"

A father walked past his little boys room and heard the boy saying "god bless mummy, daddy, grandma, bye bye grandpa!" the father thought nothing of it and was glad the boy was praying.

The next day they found the boys grandfather dead. that night the father heard the boy say "god bless mummy, daddy bye bye grandma." the next day the grandma was found dead.

That night the father heard the boy say "god bless mummy bye bye daddy." the father was realy worried and stayed up all night in the morning he went to the doctor "help me Please! ! ! I think I’m going to die" but the doctor went "you're perfectly fine." the father went home feeling worried but when he walked through the front door his wife said:

"I’m so glad you're here, I just found out our milkman is dead this morning."

For toothpaste commercial they show teeth.

For shampoo they show hair.

For facial soap they show the face,

But why feminine wash they don’t show pussy??

That’s unfair!!

One day, a man went to see a doctor, he said: my penis is small, can you have a good way to make it larger and not make me pain. The doctor thinks it over, and then he said: Ok, you can use a magnifier.

3 Nuns talking...

Nun1: I saw a box of condoms at Father's room.

Nun2: Don't worry, i put holes 0n d condoms so they won't be effective.

3rd Nun COLLAPSED!

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:"Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges" ( A Brand of cigarette). Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest "TRAVEL" magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline.

The ad said "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

A gang decided to rob a bank; they opened every vault and found no money, only cups of yogurt. They ate all yogurts.

Next day, in CNN news: "biggest sperm bank robbed!

A kid asks a priest: "Father besides praying do you have any other enjoyable past time?"

The priest tapped the kid's cheek and calmly replied: "NUN...my child, NUN..!"

－－－－－－－－－－

vomittttt............

One day a pretty lady was driving through the desert and her car broke down. then in the distance she sees an Indian riding a horse. He rides over to her and offers her a ride to the nearest gas station. She happily accepts.

On the way to the gas station, the Indian would let out a, "Woo Hoo, Yippee!!!" ever few seconds. the lady just figured that he was being an Indian and ignored it.

when they finally gets to the gas station and the Indian had left, the guy at the gas station asked, "what was his problem?" the lady respond," I don’t know, I was just holding onto his saddle horn." the guy replied,

"Lady, Indians don’t use saddles!"

One day, I read that smoking is bad...I quit smoking

Then I read that drinking is bad... I threw the habit away..

Then I read that sex is bad... I quit reading!!

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin."

The husband being shocked, replied, "How’s this possible? You’ve been married three times before."

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it."

"Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, I do miss him!"

A husband's penis was stung by a bee. His wife prayed over it: "Dear LORD, please reduce the pain, but let the swelling remain…forever. AMEN."

He laid her on the table.

So white, clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat

He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast

And then drooling felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set,

He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside

All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms..........

.

.

.

.

.

.　　

And then he stuffed the turkey.

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What else do you think he was doing?????? You dirty minded.........you! ! ! ! ! !!

I need you every morning; my lips need to touch you…

I want u in my bed... I want you always hot…

I want you to make me feel good & warm…

I love you…

Evry cigarette you smoke reduces your life by 5mins.

Sex increases life by 10mins.

So the basic theme of the equation is..

A HORNY SM0KER NEVER DIES.

There was a bald man who would do anything to grow hair on his head. He went around asking people how he can grow hair. This 1 guy tells him: "rub your head on a women’s pussy and you'll grow hair." the man replies:"if that were to be true, my tongue would’ve been a furry rug by now.

Girl's prayer... Dear God, thank you for all the blessings you bestowed upon me...this time I won’t ask anything for myself...please... just give my parents a hot son-in-law!!

A man walks up to the same woman in the office each day stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer and she goes to HR Dept

She tells them what the co-worker does and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit gainst him

The HR manager is puzzled by this approach and asks "What's so sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"

The woman replies" ITS JOHN THE MIDGET"???????

MENtal Anxiety, MENtal Breakdowns, MENstural Cramps, MENopause...

Did you ever notice how all women’s problems begin with MEN!!!

There are two important things in life. Learning to hold on & let go.

Hold on during masturbation & let go after ejaculation.

A man is setting by a woman on a plane. The woman keeps sneezing and everytime she sneezes she wipes her cooch. Well the man is thinking this is very weird.

So finally after her doing it so many times he says to her "ok are you just playing a trick on me or what. Why the hell do you wipe after every time you sneeze." the woman replies “I have a rare disease that every time I sneeze I have an orgasm." the man said “what do you take to treat that?"

The woman answers "black pepper."

Human males are strange creatures. At birth, they struggle together out of the vagina. Then now, spend the rest of their lives wanting together in?!!Crazy creature!!!

A wife said, HEALTH IS BETTER THAN WEALTH.

When her husband died,the lawyer read the will:

to my children i will leave my mansion& P50M

to my wife,All my vitamins..

always maintain balance in life:

be strong but not rude;

humble but not weak;

confident but not arrogant;

....and best of all...

horny but not obvious!

An fairly good looking husband died so she wanted a new lover. she wanted someone good looking, wont abuse her & really good in bed. she posted on a website hoping someone will answer her.

The very next day during her lunch at home the door bell rang & she open it. To her surprise she saw a man in a wheel chair with no arm no leg. The man then spoke I read your email yesterday & I am fairly good looking man, I can't abuse you cause I have no arm or leg, then the lady interrupted but are you good in bed?

The man then said: of course that is how I rang the door bell

No more headaches?

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache." It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, He goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.

She's Not my wife.

She's not my wife..."

.

.

.

.

His funeral services will be held on Friday.

This is crime story. Five friends lived in a room, Namely MAD, BRAIN, FOOL, NOBODY, SOMEBODY.

One day SOMEBODY killed NOBODY. At that time BRAIN was in bathroom, MAD called police.

MAD: Is it police station???

Police: Yes, what is the matter??

MAD: SOMEBODY killed NOBODY.

Police: Are you mad?

MAD: Yes, I"m MAD.

Police: Don`t you have BRAIN.

MAD: BRAIN is in bathroom....

Police: you FOOL...

MAD: No, FOOL is reading this joke...

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they’re stuck up bitches

Q: Why did the lIttle girl put fish in her pocket?

A: Because she wanted to smell like the big Girls!! ! ! !

Q:what does a kodak camera and a condom have in common?

A:They both capture the moment.

Senior citizen: doc,my eyes get blurry and my legs get weak every time i have sex with my GF.

DR: when did you notice your problem?

Senior citizen: 3 times last night and 2times this morning.

10 good reasons to having sex with a video game player

　　1. He’s good with his hands.

　　2. He can keep going for hours.

　　3. He learns from mistakes.

　　4. He knows what buttons to press.

　　5. He can stay focused.

　　6. He works well in the dark.

　　7. He doesn’t cheat.

　　8. He knows the best moves.

　　9. He can always score.

　　10. He’s got good aim.

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her look more atractive?

Her ankles

An old man, Mr. Goodman, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Lisa asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Lisa," said Mr. Goodman, "My private part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Goodman, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goodman was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Lisa. "Mr. Goodman," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Lisa," replied Mr. Goodman, "I told you yesterday that my private part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your Pajamas?" asked Nurse Lisa.

"Well,"............... he replied. "Today’s the viewing."

The viewing: In western culture even now in Asia, if some famous people died, like president, they will have his or her body in the coffin, at some place for the people to pay the last respect to the deceased. This call the "viewing". Mr. Goodman want people to pay the respect to his..................you know what. right?????

　　

Blondie: Have your girlfriend practice, and do the same thing, remember....Practice......I don't want she to get hurts.............. have her right ankle behind her right ear and left ankle behind her left ear......you will see which part of her body stick-out! ! ! ! Then you tell me is that attractive or not, no matter she is blond or what.

Glad that made you laugh. Don't died on me, we have more to come.

8 Qualities of a perfect Boy Friend.

Brave

Intelligent

Gentle

Polite

Energetic

Non-alcoholic

Industrious &

Self-organized

In short B.I.G.P.E.N.I.S

Can't remember someone posted this one already or not.....Anyway....

..................................................................

What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

Bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, goes to bed.

Married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

A man just bought a computer but he didn’t know how to set it up so he got this girl to do it for him.

When she asked him what his password was going to be he said (trying to be funny) PENIS. She didn’t laugh but she laughed at the response that came up.

The response from the new computer shows: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

Warning!!!This is a bad one............I hope this will not make you lost your appetite for Pizza from now....Here it goes.-------------------------------------------------------

What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common??????

They can both smell it, but they cant eat it.

Free drinks.

One day a man walks in to a bar and sits down .the bar tender said "if you name the name of this bar you get a free drink" he said "oh! That’s easy. Sally’s legs" and bar tender gave him his drink.

When he was done with his drink he started to leave and right at the door he saw the owner of the bar. the owner said to the man "if you are the first one here tomorrow then you get one free drink", the man said "o.k".

So he stayed there over night. The next morning when he was waiting at the front door of the bar, a cop passing by and asked the man by the door "what are you doing here this early?"

The man said "I’m waiting for Sally’s legs to open up so I can get a free drink".

Hey Harry1028: Here to apologize that we did not satisfy your appetite for the jokes and for an "High hand" like you, you must have some Private collections, care to share some with us?

Old Men With Shaking Hands

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.

The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

Dear iamginger: I have the last five qualities for sure................The first three! ! !................I'm still working on it. Thank you for your concern.

American Hot Dog

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs. One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God - They eat dogs in America?"

"I can't believe it!" says the other, equally appalled.

"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."

They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says,

"Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.

She says, "Well what was that for?"

He says, "That's for 40 years of rotten sex!"

She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.

All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, "Well what was that for?"

She says, "That's for knowing the difference!

Little "Gay" joke......Tell me if you like or not.......If you guys wish not to have this kind or jokes, I will not post then anymore. Here it goes.

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!?

Are you celebrating something?" Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir.

But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

What happen to you all? Is the "Gay" joke the posting killer? No comment from anyone??What is holding your hand? I recorded the number of click on this posting when I posted last joke, till now, close to 100 clicks of this "Green jokes" posting. No one said nothing??? Sad.

Who want the "sofa" for next page? It should coming soon. Anyone? Good weekend everyone.

Q.What does spaghetti and pussy both have in common?

A. They both wiggle when u eat them.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

You are so yellow.~ As a Chinese......."Yellow" in my color

What do women and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in commen?

When you’re done with the breast and thigh, all you’ve got left is the box to throw the bone in...

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka."

Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

This goes on for the next few nights. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

A family Doctor got a call from a frantic woman in the middle of the night, "Doctor; come quick! My son swallows a condom". The Doctor replied, "I'll be there in few minutes."

While the doctor was getting dress, the women call again. "Doctor, you don't have to come now." The Doctor asks "Way? Did he vomit the condom out?"

"No” the woman said, "My husband found another one".

It's close to the end of this posting now. Do you agree with me? Fewer and fewer readers reply or respond to this posting now. I think it is time to call it quit. People are losing interest over those jokes, and inventories are getting scary too. I still have few more good one that may share with all of you from time to time. Let me know...................you guys keep going pls!!!

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners Come in. Come into my humbleshop." So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals 1 think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?" Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years -- raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"

A guy was standing in the elevator and a big black guy walks in. as the door shuts he looks at the shorter man and says "7 foot 6 inches 350lbs 3 lbs right ball 3 lbs left ball 7 inch dick names Turner Brown" the shorter man faints right there on the floor out cold.

About 2 to 3 minutes later he finally comes to and looks at the black guy and asks "can you repeat what you said?" " 7 foot 6 inches, 350lbs, 3lbs right ball, 3lbs left ball, 7 inch dick, names Turner Brown" the little guy sighs and says

"Thank god! ! ! ! ! I thought you said turn around"

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. One night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery -operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one"

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids.

There were 4 nuns waiting at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter comes out to welcome them but tells each nun that to enter they must answer a question and the response must be the truth.

St Peter first goes to mother superior and asks "have you ever touched a mans privates?" to which mother superior replies "NO, never". St Peter accepts the answer and allows mother superior to go through the pearly gates into heaven.

St Peter then comes to the second nun and asks the same question to which the nun replies "Yes sir, with my hand". St Peter says "OK, not a problem, just wash your hand in holy water and you can come in.

St Peter then comes to the 3rd and 4th nun who are for some reason squabbling. St Peter says "Now, Now, threes no reason to fight, there is plenty of room inside for everyone to...............which the 4th nun shouts "If you think I’m washing my mouth out in the holy water after she’s had her arms in it, you’ve got another thing coming.

Unable to perform

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then the African medicine man says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another whole year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.

That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, and says "123" and suddenly

He has this huge stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?

A man from Italy .One day, he seeing his wife was fucking on the bed with another guy when he come back and opens the door. So he is very angry. And then he stays outside and soliloquy. How to do!!! How to do! And quarter-deck .while the police saw it .and ask him: hi sir .may I help you?. He said .my wife is working on the bed with other guy .you think how can I do .if I kill that guy, I will be a amok. I cannot do like that .if i hoof that guy .i will be suffer losses more .he's dick will be deeper...!

I still have few better one that may share with all of you from time to time.

Thank you for scare the Shxt out for me......Who is that? Please don't tell me that is your girl friend..............

You’re welcome. Let me know if you need anything else~

A married couple wants to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club.

The husband and wife meet the pro and head to the driving range. The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad. Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." The man follows the pro's instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. And the golf pro says, "Excellent!"

Now it's the woman's turn. She hits the ball 30 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's penis." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. So the golf pro says, "Not bad. Now try taking the club out of your mouth."

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they’ll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"

The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out.

There was an African Ambassador who came to meet with his Russian delegate friend. Well, the ambassador was introduced to the game Roulette. You press a gun to your temple, squeeze the trigger, and see if you get the only bullet in the six chambers. The ambassador was both amused and entertained by this game.

A couple years passed, and the delegate goes to meet with his friend, the ambassador who informs him that he has a similar game. He pointed to six, gorgeous women.

“All of them will give you a blow job.”

The delegate was confused. “Where’s the risk?”

“Well, one of them is a cannibal.”

John and Tom are sitting in a bar. John looks a little depressed,

Tom asks: "What’s wrong buddy?"

John replies: "Well, it;s my wife’s birthday next week and I don’t know what to get her"

Tom’s face lights up and he says: "It was my wife’s birthday 2 weeks ago"

John replies: "Oh yeah, what did you get her?"

Tom replies: "A Mercedes Benz and a Diamond Ring"

John’s jaw drops and he says: "Holy Shit, why’d you get her those?"

Tom replies: "Well, if she doesn't like the Mercedes, she’ll definitely like the diamond"

John: "Ah, I think I get it"

the next week, Tom and John are again sitting in the same bar

Tom pipes up: "Hey John, isn’t it your wife’s birthday this week"

John: "Sure is"

Tom: "Wadda get her?"

John (proudly): "Flip-Flops and a Dildo"

Tom: "Flip-Flops and a Dildo?!?"

John: "Yeah, if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself"

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and inside was a brand new bathroom scale.

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.She picked a little boy to do the first test.She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don’t," said the little boy.

"Okay, I’ll give you a clue. It’s the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,

"Spit it out! It’s a piece of Ass!"

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest, after 15 minutes of this the man gets up and says , "Damn! ! I wish I had a flash light,

The woman says ," So do I, you`ve been eating grass for the past 10 minutes."

You need to understand some US pop culture to get this joke.

------------------

Question: What do you get when you cross Pepper Ann with the Pils-Bury Doughboy?

Answer: A Redhead bitch with a yeast infection!

This one just for you Harry1028...............Thank you for your reply.

.......................................................................

Why are men smarter (Specially for the guy name Harry) when they are having sex?

BECAUSE THEY ARE PLUGGED INTO A HIGHER POWER....

.......................................................................

You lier!! Every time when i was having sex, my wife yelled at me:"Why you always wanna do that in a different way? you SILLY boy!"

.......................................................................

Who said I'm lying???......See.... you said it yourself. When you "plugged" into the "Higher power", you come up with "different way" every time......Right? Where you get the idea????? because you "plug in" already.......Hahahaha........You smart alley.......

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

A teacher whent into her room one moring and she noticed that word "penis" was written on her board in small letters. she erased it and went on with class, later that day it was written again in bigger letters she erased it, before the end of the day she saw it again in real big letter, underneath it said:

The more you rub it the bigger it gets!!

There is these three women with their children on the Dr. Phil TV show. (Some of you may not know who is this Dr Phil; He is a talk show host in US, always invite people with strange relationship to his program)

Dr. Phil goes up to the first women and says I know your problem, your addicted to food that's why you named your kid candy.

Then Dr. Phil goes up to the next women and goes; your addicted to alcohol that's why you named your boy brewer.

The next women says to her child: lets get out of here quick; Dick.

girl:Is it your ring?It makes me feel pain!

boy: ...

girl:Sorry,I'm wrong.It's just your watch,I think.

boy: ...

boy:That's my necklace!

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said: I bet you can't tell me something that will make me feel happy and sad at the same time.

The wife thought for a few moments, then said: Your penis is bigger than your brother's.

Boy and girl fucking ,the Guy stop it after entry.and say.Now is :conjoint already .(CHINA UNICOM) the girls feeling sad .the guy pitch into .the girl bellow it and and say : CHINA MOBILE IS BETTER THAN CHINA UNICOM!!!!!!!!!!!!

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm. The wife turns over and says "I’m sorry hun; I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

A woman and a man meet at a rapid dating service.

The man sits down and says, "I’ve only got 3 questions."

"OK," replies the woman.

"Do you like to clean?" he asks.

"I love cleaning," she replies.

"Great. Do you like to cook for other people?"

"I love to cook," she says.

"Awesome," says the man. "OK last question, do you like sex?"

"I like it infrequently," she replies.

The man then asks, "Is that one word or two"

An American girl, a French girl and an African girl are traveling in a plane. The plane is about to crash.

The American girl puts on make-up. Everyone was curious. "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!" she said. The French girl opens her bra, "the rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts!" she said.

Then the African girl removes her knickers and says

"f*ck off, they always look for the black box first!"

One day there was a 14 year old girl in a nice short skirt. A boy about 16 walked up to her and said, "I bet you can’t climb that tree".

The girl replied, "Oh yes I can, watch".

The girl climbed up the tree and the boy looked up her skirt. When she came down he said, "I like your knickers".

The girl got upset and told her mum her mum said, "You silly girl you let him look up your skirt to see your knickers".

The next day the girl wore an even shorter skirt the boy said to her again, "I bet you can’t climb that tree", pointing to a taller one.

The girl climbed it and when she came down the boy never said nothing, he just looked very happy.

The girl told her mum again her mum said, "You silly girl you showed him your knickers again".

The girl replied, "No I tricked him this time, I didn’t wear any ".

Three boys always come home from school the same way. One day as they pass the fence near their house, they look through a hole in the fence. They see a naked woman standing in the yard, two of the boys stare at her while the third one runs away.

The next day they look through the hole and see the same lady, still naked. The two boys still look at her, while the third one runs away again.

The next day as the three boys look through the hole, and the third one gets ready to run away, the two other ones ask the third one, "Why do you keep running away?"

The little boy says, "My mommy told me if I see a naked lady I'll turn to stone. And every time I see her, a part of me gets hard."

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car which read, "TWO PROSTITUTES... $150.00."

A policeman noticed the car, and quickly pulled them over. He approached the ladies and told them they'd have to remove the sign. Otherwise, they'd be arrested and taken to jail. Just then, another car passed by with a sign which read, "JESUS SAVES."

The two ladies asked the policeman why he let the other car drive by without pulling them over. "Well, that's a little different since it pertains to religion." The two ladies were furious, but nonetheless they removed the sign and drove away.

The next day, the same policeman noticed the same two ladies riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car. He figured he had an easy bust, so he pulled them over once again. As he approached the car, though, he noticed a new sign which now read,

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER... $150.00."

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered.......................

"won't it knock all my teeth out?"

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says!

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.

Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.

Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.

Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit xcessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"

Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!"

John rings his boss said he is sick can't make to work, the boss says "When I am sick, I **** my wife, try that."

Two hours later iamginger rings back. "I'm much better now, I'll be there in 10 mins. Oh.....by the way .......boss! ! ! ! you got a nice house!"

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man, “Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“OK,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldn’t keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snick into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldn’t hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

“Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”

“Well, that’s easy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:

“Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

“Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.”

Stepping out of the shower, the man observes to the wife, "Don't you think my penis is a little bigger?"

"You wish!"

He persists, so she looks more closely. She professes not knowing for sure.

The next morning the man insists his penis is getting larger. The wife measures it with a tape measure to set a baseline.

Each morning for a week the wife measures the man's penis, and each morning it is 1/4 inch longer. By the time they can see a doctor, another week has passed. The doctor schedules "surgical intervention" and asks if either of them has any questions. The wife asks, "How long will he need crutches?"

"Why," the doctor responds, "Do you expect he'll need crutches?"

"Well................ You are making his legs longer, aren't you?"

A man and his wife were having problems in their relationship, so they went to a psychologist.

The psychologist, who was a man, saw the couple several times, but to no avail.

The woman complained her husband wasn't affectionate.

The man said he didn't understand what she was talking about.

Finally, after many sessions of explaining to the man his wife's need for affection, the psychologist lost his patience. He told the man's wife to take off her clothes, then he had sex with her, and told the man, "This is what your wife needs every day".

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said,

"OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

An old lady was rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appeared in front of her and informed her that she would be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," sayed the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF ***

Her rocking chair turned to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF ***

She turned into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wandered across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome young prince?" she asked.

*** POOF ***

There before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and whispers in her ear.

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

A man met a women at the blood donation station gate, and he asked her, "what are you doing here?", "blood donation"

"how much did they pay you?"

"it's free"

"when i make a donation, i am well paid",the man smiled and said,

"why? what do you donation?"

"sperm!"

somedays later, the two met again, this time at the sperm donation station, the man say hello to the the woman, to his surprise, the woman just nod and make a sound of ambiguously "ou ou" to his greeting.

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

One day,a captain was inspecting his men,he found a young man in the front row had a remarkable erection, so the captain said to the sergeant: give this man a month of passionate leave!

The next month, the captain inspected his army, again he found that young man with that situation, captain felt a little bit of unhappy, he ordered: another month of passionate leave for him, sergeant!

The third month, when the captain inspected his men, the same person, the same problem. captain became mad and shouted to the sergeant: haven't we give this son of bitch two month of passinate leave?

The sergeant stood at attention and saluted, replied tensely, Captain, it's you that he is fond of!

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

Little Tom was playing in the playground when he saw his father's car stoped in front of the school gate and went into the bush on the campus with Miss Jane, his new music teacher. he was so curious so he can't help following them to find what they did.

Unable to believe his eyes, he was his father and Jane was doing THAT thing, passionally.

So excited that litter Tom ran to home to tell his mother what he saw. His mother, after the story was told, said to Tom ,"Tom, this is a good story, and I want you to tell it to your father at dinner time, I want to see his face then, that must be very interesting. "

Then, when dinner is finished, little Tom started to tell his story, “I saw father gave a big hug to Miss Jane, then began to touch each other, father helped Jane to put off her skirt and Jane helped with father's pants, then they began to do the thing mother and Uncle Andy used to do when father was in the army."

Dear alvin666: Did you check my answer below to our dear friend XXX??? Did you see how "Smart" he became every time when he "plug-in"??? He can came up with “different way” (his words) all the time, even his GF notice about it. His GF call him the “silly boy” as a compliment, not criticizing him. Can you see how proud he was when he wrote the reply few weeks ago???? And that’s why I’m calling him the “smart alley”, means “Smart axx”.

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.

Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.” Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation the teacher calls on him. "I was watching' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. Hundreds and hundreds of Indians surrounded him.

And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

3 cowboys sitting around a campfire. Each one having a busy day and always felt the need to out-do the other cowboy.

The first cowboy stands up and walks around the campfire and says "Yep, I was walking down the ol' cactus path and a 12ft rattler springs at me! I grabbed him and bit his head off, sucked out all the poison and here I stand before you today unharmed. He then sets back down and the second cowboy gets up and says........

Well I was riding along checking the fenceline today and looked out in the pasture and saw the biggest bull you ever saw, had gored and killed 6 men! I jumped off my horse and grabbed that bull by the horns, pulled him to the ground, tied him up and not a scratch on me and I'm standing here in front of you unharmed.

The third cowboy stood up,..... walked around the campfire.... slowly stirring the hot burning coals with his penis.

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"

3 truck drivers died and met St. Peters at the Pearly Gates.

There was a JB Hunt, a Wal Mart, and an ole bull hauler truck driver.

St. Peters said, "I’m going to ask you 2 questions, I want you to answer them honestly."

He asked the JB Hunt and Wal Mart driver, "Have you ever cheated on your log books?"

They replied, "No sir."

St. Peters asks, "You ever cheated on your wife?"

They replied, " No we sure have’nt."

St. Peters says, "You 2 go to door #1."

The ole bull hauler walks up there and St. Peters asks, "Have you ever cheated on your log book?"

The ole bull hauler replies, "Fuck yes I have, drove from New York to L.A. and never wrote down an hour either way."

St. Peters asks, "You ever cheated on your wife?"

The ole bull hauler replies, "Oh hell yes, there’s this bitch in New Mexico that gives the best blow job in the world!"

St. Peters tells him, "You go to door #2."

The ole bull hauler strolls over and looks back at St. Peters, "Why am I going to door #2 and those 2 assholes are going to door #1?"

St. Peters replies, "Cause those 2 are going to hell for lying and you and I are going to New Mexico!

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

What women would do if they had a penis for a day.

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

Newly wed couple

This newlywed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:

Wife: before we do this I have something I have to tell you.

Husband: We're married now, you can tell me anything.

Wife: I'm flat chested.

Husband: I don't believe you....prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

husband: holy shit! I never seen a smaller chest, but I have something I have to tell you too.

wife: we're married now you can tell me anything.

husband: I'm "weighed like a baby".

wife: I don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

wife: I thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

husband: I am 6lbs 7ounces!

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna to live on $800 a year!'

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"

And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"

But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!"

Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarrassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.

The guy says, "I'm giving' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

This one will not be suitable for young people. viewers discretion advice.

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Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

Hypothetically Speaking

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

Making Love to a Woman is like...........

　　MAKING COFFEE

　　Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET

Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.....

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT

Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

If you are studding your PHD degree right now, what are you doing wasting your times hanging around Tainya?? Of cause.... you can said you're trying to improver your English skill but this posting will only turn you into a comedian. Hahahahaha.　

Go back to your books and your lab, OK??????? be a good boy. Good luck on your study.

But I'm glad that you can relax a little when you visit this post, ( Fresh blood surged into your "BRAIN") and your reply are highly appreciated.

Dear XXX: i think you misunderstood me :( "PHD" here means:pretty huge dick 《friends》i meant my ** will keep his countenance after reading these green jokes,,he just like the lively pretty girl.

WOW.....Do I learn something today??? And now I know which direction that fresh blood of yours flows! ! ! WOW.　　Well.....good for your P-H-D then.................

Genius Boyfriend

A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend of yours, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."

"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "John is ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."

Grass Sandwich

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

Marriage is the price the man paid for sex!

Sex is the price the women paid for marriage!

Nike Condoms: Just Do It!

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling!

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby!

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop!

Ford Condoms: The best never rest!

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock!

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey you never know!

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever!

KFC Condoms: Finger-licking good! !

Coca Cola Condoms: Always the real thing!

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one!

Campbell's Soup Condoms:Mmm mmm good!

AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone!

Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper!

Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going...

M&M Condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border!

MCI Condoms: For friends and family!

Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It’s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It’d be so great. When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It’d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn’t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What’s left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."

WOW! ! ! WOW.....What's going on here?? I went home for a weekend and found over 70 replies when I came back on Monday??? What happened this weekend??Anyway! ! ! ! ! Thank you all, Please continue to enjoy the jokes, and if you have one to share with us.....................All of us will be more then happy to hear from you.

Low Sperm Count

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied...................................

"yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts......................And I'm not talking about on top of his head.

First Visit

The young blond bride made her "first" appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.

"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."

"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing,

"but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!", She ignores the remark.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky.

The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

I have some test for everyone of you today to check your Dirty IQ!............I will post the correct answers in a week or so. Good luck and have fun. Who gets the prefect score will get a "BIG KISS" from our dearest Harry1028.

Now.........Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

8. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

9. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

　　1. a dentist

　　2. a wedding ring

　　3. peanut butter

　　4.chewing gum

　　5. an elevator

　　6. a nose

　　7. a glove

　　8. a crane

　　9. a toothbrush, of course!

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

Growing Wild

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now! ! ! ! that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

Do you like to loss some weight???

If you do, Please pay some special attention in next few days, I will help you to burn some calories, loss some weight and also have some fun.

Here you go:

How many calories do we burn during sex

The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.

Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

EXAMPLES:

1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off:

1 slice (large) chocolate cake.

25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off:

2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.

53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off:

1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.

53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.

PREPARING THE BEDROOM

Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)

ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS

Hiding the sex manual: 3

Decanting the wine: 4

Without a corkscrew: 268

MAKING THE FIRST MOVE

If you are shy: 15

If you are anxious: 43

If you beg: 100

SEDUCING THE PARTNER

If you are rich (cash): 5

If you are rich (credit card): 15

If you are poor: 200

INITIAL BODY CONTACT

Fumbling: 4

Casually rummaging around: 7

Seriously rummaging around: 42

REMOVING CLOTHES

With partner's consent: 12

Without partner's consent: 187

Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

AROUSAL AND STIMULATION

Blowing in partner's ear: 15

Blowing in your own ear: 2,512

DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed

Partner looks better with clothes on: 10

Partner wears corrective underwear: 15

Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100

You don't mind: 0.25

Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME

Fumbling around: 4

Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18

Completely missing: 126

POSITIONS

Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26

German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48

English (woman on top; man hiding): 15

American (both on top): 1,243

AFFLICTIONS

Leg cramp: 36

Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612

Sneezing (during intercourse): 7

Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

ASSORTED ACCIDENTS

Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5

Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72

Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1

Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17

Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133

Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE

Shoes flew off: 15

Expression didn't change: 0.5

Room turned purple: 4

Face turned purple: 78

Earth moved: 30

If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588

Moaning in Turkish: 506

THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX

"I am so grateful": 15

"It must have been something we ate": 15

"Was it good for you?": 15

"Are you finished?": 15

TRYING AGAIN

If woman is ready: 5

If man is not: 563

ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP

After sex: 18

During sex: 546

While parking car: 212

SLEEP

Real: 5

Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

TAKING A BATH TOGETHER

In a bath: 5

In a sink: 150

In a jacuzzi: 15,269

MAKING THE BED

With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired).

With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)

KEEPING A JOURNAL

Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned.

A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:

December 1st: Sex with Harold

Explaining how: 12

Suggesting something different: 3

Calming terrified Harold: 40

Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8

Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56

Intercourse (standing position): 22

Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10

Intercourse (urging him on): 5

Orgasm: not sure

Thanking Harold: 3

Waving bye-bye: 1

Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)

Total calories burned: 160

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the mother.

"Mom, I'm 40 years old, and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom. Upon entering the room, he found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told mom. I'm 40 years old now and I'm ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home and found her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other watching the football game on

TV. "What on Earth are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the football game with my son-in-law!!"

How Many Women

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.....

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, :Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail "Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest!

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

Did you hear about the eighty year old Italian roue who called on his doctor.

"Professore, I would like you to examine me, to see if I am sexually fit."

"Very well, let me see your sex organs please?"

The aged patient replied, "Eccoli." and stuck out his index finger and his tongue...

Difference Between Men and Women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

For those brothers who like to smoke, I do hope the warnings below will help you to kick the "habit". Or don't said I didn't inform you.

----------------------------------------------------------

Cigarette Warnings

Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment."

Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information.

How about something like this:

* Warning: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you?

* Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.

* Warning: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

* Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

* Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not.

* Warning: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is.. if you're capable of conceiving any.

* Warning: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.

* Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?

* Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.

* Warning: Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.

Italian Men Spelling "Mississippi"

A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. Harry1028 sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but his attention is galvanized when he hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more."

"You foul-mouthed wop swine," retorted the Harry1028 indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, cool it down Sir," said the man. "I was only telling' my friend here how to spell Mississippi."

Little Old Lady Making Bets

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk.

The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lad says, "I make bets". The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet". The old lady says,"So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?" "Sure" says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure".

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?"

She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"

　　英语幽默版三字经

　　人之初：At the begining of life.

　　性本善：Sex is good.

　　性相近：Basically,all the sex are same.

　　习相远：But it depends on how the way you do it.

　　苟不教：If you do not practise all the time.

　　性乃迁：Sex will leave you..

　　

　　

　　教之道：The way of learning it

　　贵以专：is very important to make love with only one person.

　　

　　昔孟母：Once a great mother, Mrs Meng

　　择邻处：chose her neighbour to avoid bad sex influence.

　　

　　子不学：If you don't study hard,

　　断机杼：Your Dick will become useless.

　　

　　窦燕山 Dou, the Famous

　　有义方 owned a very effective exciting medicine

　　教五子 All his five son took it

　　名俱扬 and their sexual ability were well-kown.

　　

　　养不教 If your children don't know how to do it,

　　父之过 It is all your fault.

　　教不严 If they had lots of problems with it,

　　师之惰 their teach must be too lazy to tell them details on sex.

　　

　　子不学 You may refuse to study this

　　非所宜 but that is a real mistake

　　幼不学 If you don't learn it in childhood,

　　老何为 you will lose your ability when aged

　　

　　玉不琢 If you don't exercise your dick,

　　不成器 It won't become hard and strong.

　　人不学 If you don't learn sex,

　　不知义 You can by no means enjoy its sweetness

One day there was a poor little girl. Her mother didn’t have any money to buy her underwear. One day the little girl was wearing a little dress and playing up in a tree. A priest walked by and looked up, concerned he called the little girl down and said: "Little girl take this $100 and go buy you some new underwear and a pretty dress."

The little girl ran home and told her mother what happened.

Seizing the opportunity, the next day the mother was up in the tree without any underwear.

The priest walked by and called her down and said:

"Here’s $2 go and buy yourself some razors!"

I will need to travel to four different cities in next two weeks, I will try my best continuing to update the jokes, but due to the busy traveling schedules and business activities, I may not able to update this posting everyday. So don't kill me if you visit this posting again and again and didn't see any new jokes in next two weeks.

American Beer

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

Bedroom Golf

* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.

* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.

* Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.

* For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

* Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.

* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.

* The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.

* It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.

* Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

* Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

* Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

* Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

* Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.

* It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.

* Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Jeff the Bellboy

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The second man married a telephone operator.

Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom."

The third man married a school teacher.

Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.

The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."

"Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'."

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.

"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

"Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'."

Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.

Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.

"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"

The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."

An Hour of Pleasure

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose her hand in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

A guy comes to his friend and finds him beating his dick with a hammer.- What are you doing?

- I'm masturbating.

- Masturbating with a hammer!? Are you enjoying it at all?

- Yes, each time I miss it.

Afternoon Quickie

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Why Studying Is Better Than Sex

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."

4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

Kneasels

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the groom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.. Smallcox?"

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

Bus Driver's Parents

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

Who's This Guy

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”

The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?”

Adultery

An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two beautiful 18-year-old girls.Twice."

"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never,Father", replied the old man. "I'm Jewish"

"So why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody!"

Different pose

In the Sex Education class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex."

The next day she asks Santa's son, Pappu, in the back, "Well, Pappu, how many positions did you come up with?"

Pappu's says, "Seventy-three."

The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, Pappu, very good..."

She calls on Sonu in the front and says, "All right, Sonu, how about you?"

Sonu says, "Teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl."

Pappu yells, "Seventy-four."

Duct Tape

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face.

Church Bells

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

Social Security.......

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

Second Opinion

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"

Money Talks!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

Slide Under The Table

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."

So Much Fun

A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.

"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"

"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.

My Rules

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at ten o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,

he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

Things You Never Use

Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman. "That's it!" she shouted, "I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!"

"Wait honey," Glen pleaded, "Can't you at least let me explain?"

"Fine, let's hear your story," Donna replied.

"Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing," explained Glen.

"I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me."

"Then," Glen continued, "I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me,

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

What is a Headache

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?' "

So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."

And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."

And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'"

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

I'd Do Anything

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything??"

"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.

His voice turns to a whisper.

"Would you.. study??"

Respectfully Cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

The Elderly Couple

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's

There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer.

One day as 5 o'clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she's very horny.

On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to jerk it before he gets home. He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car." So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts jerkin it.

A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but just hollers, "Yeah?" "I'm Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?" "Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it's come lose."....................

"Well, Mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes too; your car's 2 blocks down the road crashed into a tree."

Piece of Rubber

A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find that it is overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that sound is driving me nuts!"

The blind man replies, "If you would've put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"

Dear Harry1028: "Colorful" enough for you? Or you still need more deeper blue or "Greener" jokes. We got some nice ladies visit this posting from time to time, I really don't want to be too "yellow",and scare them off. You ladies out there: What do you say???????? More "colorful" or just about right??????? Of course.....most man likes as colorful as possible.....

On the day of the wedding, Laura was getting dressed surrounded by all Her family when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic! Then Her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from Her wedding, so she lent them to Laura for the day.

Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Laura's feet were agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting Her shoes off.

The rest of the family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen, "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."

This was followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God, that was even tighter"

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

Torpedo Attack

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese.

A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something... at least they would die laughing.

The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"

The crew burst out laughing.

So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table.

Just when his dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.

As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?"

The navigator told him how he hit his dick against the table.

The captain replied, "Well, in the future you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"

One day a police officer pulls over a car for speeding. The driver turns out to be a gorgeous blond woman.

"I`ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma`am.... Could I see your driver`s license and registration...?"

"License...registration???" replies the blond.

"They`re usually in your wallet and glove compartment." says the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, she produces the documents.

"I`ll be back in a minute," says the cop and walks back to his car. He radios the dispatcher to run a check on the license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher comes back. "Ummm.... is this a hot-looking blond woman driving a red sports car?"

"Uh... yes" replies the cop.

"Here`s what you do...." advises the dispatcher. "Tell her to get out the car, then stand back and drop your pants."

"WHAT!!? I can`t do that!" exclaims the cop. "Trust me..... just do it...." says the dispatcher. So the cop returns to the blond, tells her to get out of the car and he drops his pants. The blonds looks down and sighs, "Oh no... not ANOTHER breathalyser...."

The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine and just came back from a 6 months of oversea tour".

"Well? What did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said, "I told him that a straight lay was Thousand bucks, but he said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blow job would be 750 bucks, but he did not have that much either. Finally I said, ’Well how much do you have?’

The marine said he only had 250. So, I told him, ’For 250, all I can give you is a hand job.’ He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one."

She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continues, "Then I put the first hand above the second hand..."

"Oh my God!" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge!

"Then what did you do?"

"I loaned him 750 bucks!"

I’m a chicken farmer

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I’m a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass.

Let’s try to rephrase that."

The woman, "OK, I’m a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I’m a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

Naughty Nighty !!!

The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same, sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee the night we were married."

"That`s right." she replied, "And do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?"

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I`m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!"

She giggles and says, "Yes, that was it. That was exactly what you said. And now it`s 50 years later, I`m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again, he looks up at her and looks her up and down and says,

"Mission Accomplished."

　　

An elderly couple were enjoying the evening swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset.

After a few minutes the old lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.

The old man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing.

He sits there for a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for?"

She replies, "That’s for having a small one!"

A few more minutes go by and the man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes. She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to the old man.

She sits here a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for?"

He replies, "That’s for knowing there was more than one size."

Can she moan or what???????

Shane comes home and finds his wife Rita crying.

She says, "I found out from Mrs. Smith that you’re having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I’ve always been a good wife...I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for twenty years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?"

Shane says, "It’s true, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex."

Rita says, "If I moaned when we have sex, you’d stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex."

They go to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb in bed. As they start kissing, she says, "Now, Shane? Should I moan now?"

He says, "No, not yet."

He starts fondling her, and she says, "What about now? Should I moan now?"

He says, "No, I’ll tell you when."

He climbs on top of her and starts banging her.

She says, "Is it time for me to moan now,?" He says, "Wait, wait...I’ll tell you when."

A few minutes later, just seconds before he’s going to climax, he says, "Now, Moan. Moan..."

She says, "Oye, you wouldn’t believe what a day I had..."

Man walks up to a farmer`s house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away.

Later, she told her husband of the incident. he said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his Gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes.

The man replied, "Great, give some to your husband the next time you see him , and tell him to keep away from my wife"...

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.

"Open the goddamn safe," he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we`re not a real bank," she replies. "We don`t have any money. This is a sperm bank."

"Don`t argue, open the goddamn safe or I`ll blow your head off," says the guy with the gun.

She obliges and once she`s opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."

"But it`s full of sperm!" she replies nervously.

"Don`t argue, just drink it!" he says.

She takes the cap off and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands.

She takes out another and drinks it as well.

Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl`s amazement, it`s her husband.

"There," he says, "it`s not that fucking difficult, I told you!"

A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more."

"You foul-mouthed wop swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, cool down lady," said the man.

"I was only telling my friend here how to spell Mississippi."

Lisa, an Italian woman was extremely religious. When she was married, she refused to use contraception because she felt that birth control was going against God’s will. She and her husband had 17 kids. Lisa’s husband got sick and passed away.

As time went by, she moved on with her life and married another man. Again, she refused to use contraception because of her religious beliefs. She and her second husband have 15 kids.

Again, Lisa lost her husband. But soon after her husband’s death, she passed away as well. At the ceremony the priest looked down at the coffin, then looked up at the sky and said, "They’re finally together."

This confused one of the family members at the service and after the ceremony, asked the priest about it.

"Father," he starts, "back at the cemetery when you said, ’They’re finally together’, did you mean Lisa and her first husband, or Lisa and her second husband?

The father takes a long look at him and says, “I was talking about her legs.”

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I’m so glad that you called... Really? That’s wonderful.... Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you."

George and Mona were married for 40 yrs when George suddenly died. At the funeral home, Mona was asked if she had any special requests.

"Why yes, I have just one. Would you please cut off George’s penis for me?"

The funeral home had heard them all, so they did what she asked.

A few days later, Gladys came over to visit, to see how Mona was getting along. Mona was in the kitchen cooking, with a smile on her face. Gladys asked why she was so happy, then started looking in the pots on the stove.

"Hmmm, beans". Lifting another lid, "Hmmm, potatoes."

Gladys lifted the lid on the third pot and gasped! "Why, Mona, that looked like a penis in there!!!"

Mona just smiled and said "Yup, it’s George’s. I ate that son of a bitch raw for 40 yrs. I want to see what it tastes like cooked...

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex.

The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.

The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.

Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says,

"For God`s sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you`re starting to look like an asshole!"

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That s too much!" He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung.

She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked

"Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn`t stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.

So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again. "So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.

"Well", the woman responded, "I`ve made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."

"That`s strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"

Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer’s BMW and pulled the horse out with it.

The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he’d pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

The moral of the story: If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter "What are you doing naked?"

The daughter responds "This is the dress of love."

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her "What are you doing naked, woman?"

She responds "This is the dress of love."

And he said to her "Well, go iron it first."

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late: a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student s immediate family. A smart-ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up.

"But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

When the students finally stopped laughing, the professor responded,

"Well, I guess you`ll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

A emergency situation has come up last weekend, I need to do a last minutes travel tonight and be at the site tomorrow morning, I will try my best to update the jokes. If not, I will make it up by posting two or three everyday when I’m back from the trouble site. Thank you all...........

Broken Rubber!

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look.

"Mom, why is my bigger brother named Thunderstorm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

"Because we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

Thoughtfully, Mother paused and asked her son,

"Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"

A man is walking down the street, and he’s really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees and approached a prostitute.

He asked her, "How much do you charge for the hour?"

"1000 bucks," she replied.

"Do you do My-style?" he asked.

Not knowing exactly what this was, she refused.

He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I’ll pay you 2000 to do it My-style."

Again she declined.

Being the persistent type, he laid down a final offer. "I’ll give you 5000 to go My-style with me! What do you say?"

Finally, she agrees, thinking, "Well I’ve been in the game for over ten years now. I’ve been there and done that, and had every kind of request from weirdos from all over the world. How kinky could His-style be?"

After an hour of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said, "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the ’Your-style’ come in?"

The man popped a can of beer and replied..................

"I pay you next month when I get my paycheck."

Mr Smith hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation she noticed that his fly was open.

On leaving the room she said," Oh, Mr Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?"

He didn`t under stand her remark until later on, when he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was unclosed. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary.

Calling her in, he asked," By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my baraccks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing to attention?"

She smiled pleasantly,"Why not, Mr Smith, she replied. "All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."

A very ’straight and honest’ girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice: "Daughter, when you’re in Town and if you’re looking for a match there, you must take note of the following the requirements mother set for you. You must find a man that is faithful’, ’thrifty’ and must be a ’virgin’.

With this advice from her mother, the girl went to Town. After some months later, she came home to get her mother’s blessings to marry.

"Mother, I’ve met the my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn’t that being faithful?"

Her mother nodded in agreement.

"Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, they’ll share one room only. Isn’t he not thrifty guy?"

For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.

"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin"

"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked with a big question mark........ "MMM...his "that one" is still new and hard....all wrapped up in plastic, mum!"

Since Preeto is eight months into her pregnancy, Banta has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor Banta curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, Preeto opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out hundred ruppe and gives it to him.

She says, "Awww, you’re so depressed, here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight. But remember that this happens only once. Don’t think about it or ask me to do this again."

Banta rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the money back to Preeto and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants five hundred bucks."

Preeto’s face slowly turns red with anger, "Damn that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here I only charged him hundred.

A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls a beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist how much it would cost to repair the condom.

The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he could sell the private a new one.

The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in two hours with an answer."

Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says,

"The regiment has voted to replace."

A guy who went into the adult section of a department store to buy condoms.

The female clerk told him, "We have the rainbow assortment on sale today, would you like those?"

The guy said, "Good, I’ll take a box."

A few months later, he went into the women’s clothing section and saw that this same female clerk was transferred into the maternity section.

The guy said, "I’d like to buy a maternity blouse."

The clerk asked, "What bust?"

To which he replied, "One of the goddamm blue ones!"

Being a virgin, Banta was very nervous about his upcoming wedding night, so he decided to seek the advice of his friend Santa, who was quite the local Romeo.

"Just relax, Banta," counseled Santa. "After all, you grew up on a farm- just do like the dogs do."

Right after the honeymoon the bride, Preeto, stormed over to her mother`s house in tears and announced that she wasn`t going to live under the same roof as Banta for even one more night.

"He`s totally disgusting!" she wailed.

At first, Preeto resisted her mother`s attempts to find out the exact nature of the problem, but finally she broke down.

"He doesn`t know anything at all about how to be romantic, how to make love........................

he just keeps sniffing my butt and urinating on the bedpost!"

A very poor couple had just been married and all they could afford was to share a house with an elderly couple. What`s worse is that they have to sleep on the top half of a bunk bed, while the older couple slept on the lower half. Needless to say, the young couple wanted sex often. Instead of asking the question explicitly, for fear that they would be overheard, they agreed to use the code "eating orange" for sex.

So every night, the husband would ask his wife, "Honey, do you feel like eating orange?".

This went on for several weeks, until one night when the husband asked, "Honey, do you feel like eating orange?"

The old man from below interrupted, "You know, I don`t mind ya eating oranges so much, but could you please not drip the orange juices down here!"

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate."

Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, "My gal friend has a sweater with 10 buttons."

The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word fascinate in your sentence."

Little Johnny continued, "But her tits are so big, she can only "fasten eight"."

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.

She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."

She does, and then he says again, "A little wider, hon."

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.

This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"

So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"

He says, "No, I’m trying to get them out."

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ’Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ’or what’."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I’m late, so the boss asks me, ’Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ’or what’.

"I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ’So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ’or what’.

"So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband .............................. or what?"

There were two secretaries that worked at this very large company. They didn’t know one another very well, but were friendly at work.

It was vacation time and they stood before the vacation schedule to see when they had time off. They noticed that their vacation days were the same.

Both were single, so after discussing their plans, they decided they could save money on a trip by going together.

They chose an exotic island getaway and on the way there, they soon discovered all they had in common. After a long flight, they checked into their single bedroom and decided to call it a night.

As they lay in bed, the one girl leaned close to the other, placed her arm around her seductively and said, "I really need to tell you Something and I’m going to be frank........."

Suddenly, the other girl rose up and said, "NO, I want to be Frank!”

Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men, on the topic of happiness. He said "I can prove to you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have!"

To prove this he glanced at the audience. And he saw a man at the right hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do you have sex?" he asked.

"Once a month." the man answered.

Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle, having a bigger smile. And he asked him "Sir, How often do you have sex?"

"Once a week. " the man shouted.

Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man laughing. "You seem to be a very happy man, So how often do you have sex?"

"Well, ...everyday" the happy man answered. "There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have" said the philosopher.

But far off at the end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air. Laughing and jumping with so much happiness. So the philosopher said to him, "You sure look like a very happy man?"

"Yes,.Yes .. Yes," answered the very happy man.

"So how often do you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked.

The man answered "Once a year...."

The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher asked the man "WHAT? Then why are you so happy??"

The man while laughing, and jumping said:

"IT`S TONIGHT... IT`S TONIGHT!!"

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69".

"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.

Realizing he’s inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine."

Still not knowing what she`s talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says.

So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose.

The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.

"Wait, where are you going?" she asks.

The guy says, " If you think I’m sticking around for 67 more of those, you’re crazy!!!!!

Okay, so this lady goes into a shop and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn’t work.

The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!

"Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.

The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What’s wrong?"

She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts! "

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma’am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"Because I like to have my breasts grabbed when I’m getting screwed!"

Her money was refunded.

Small Girl returning from kindergarten

Small Girl - Mother I need to know what is sex?

Mother Taken aback by the question but she does not want to disappoint the child. So she explains to the girl about sex for about an hour - how baby is created, marriage and making love.

Girl after hearing her mother talk, she starts to cry.

Mother - Why are you crying?

Girl - Mom I don`t know how to summarize all that you have said in this application which only has two answers for SEX : MALE / FEMALE.

Ooops!!

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked the car. The petting increased and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly objected:

"Ouch! That ring is hurting me!"

"That`s not ring! That`s my wristwatch."

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife’s shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die."

She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could......."

This time the wife sits up and says,

"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't !"

An old man turned 95 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.

"No, sir, they all be my young guns," the old man replied with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"

"No, sir," said the old man. "She is my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can’t be more than 19 years old."

"That’s right," said the old man with pride.

"Well, surely you can’t have a sex life with you being 95 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked.

"No, sir," said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on her, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the reporter. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"

"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist,

"I fight them.

Thank you for your reply and waiting.

I never pay any attention in my English class when I’m in school, I always just try to get by. If I know one day I will heavily reliant on my English skill to make my living, I will be much serious about it back then.

To me; The only way to improve my English is to practice. Practice, and more practice. I listen and learn, I read and I learn, I made mistakes and....... I learn. I still learning it even after so many years. In my company, all reports, forms, e-mails, meetings,etc, all conducted in English. So I have to use it everyday, that also give me the opportunity to practice more.

The true meaning of the language is in communication. If you communicated, it got your thought crossed, it served the purpose already, of cause; you can try to present it in a more delicate or glamor way, but that will take more time and more practice.

Another important thing of practice English is to having fun. That is very important to me, I’m not only use the language at work, I also used in my social life too, I travel a lot, I mat so many interesting people when I travel, I’m glad that I’m able to construct conversation with then, to share a funny story or business ideas.

I don’t know what is your objective to learn the language, If you need it for work, you need to be more serious about it. If just for fun; but it frustrated you already, this may not be worth it of continue it.

I do hope some of the jokes that I posted here will spice up a bit of your interest or bring some fun to you while you study or using the language.

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

"Returned nu-opened."

A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

They were talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening.

The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband.

Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked.

The woman agreed. Later that night at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."

The man replies...............................

"That’s because they are sitting in your soup."

A man walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty-dollar bills. The man asks the bartender, "What’s the deal with the jar of money?"

"Well", the bartender says, "I’ve got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, you win all the money!"

The man puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The man takes his money and leaves. About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they’ve got another jar of twenties there.

"What’s the deal now?" He asks.

"Well", the bartender says, "That damn horse won’t stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money!"

The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him. "Alright", he says, "You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!"

"Easy", he says, "I made him laugh by saying my cock was bigger than his, and I made him cry by proving it!!"

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He’s so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.

"He’s so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man’s son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm. And in the last few weeks, not to be outdone, he has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, one of the guys tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I’m not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he’s been a hairdresser, and I’ve just recently discovered he’s a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

Nancy’s husband was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent her to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Nancy saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Smith, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Smith was finished, Nancy asked, "How much for the teapot?"

Smith replied, "That’s silver and it costs $50!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Nancy exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that her husband had sent her to buy, and Smith went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Smith yelled, "Nancy, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Nancy replied,

"No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can’t send a woman to a hardware store.

1). What is a four-letter word that ends with "ing" and means the same as intercourse?

2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3). What can you find in a man`s pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?

6). What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can`t get one you can use your hands?

7). What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

8). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

9). What is it that all men have one of; it`s longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn`t use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they`re married?

　　1. (talk)

　　2. (legs)

　　3. (a twenty dollar bill)

　　4. (firetruck)

　　5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)

　　6. (fork)

　　7. (Almond Joy candy bar)

　　8. (grit)

　　9. (last name)

A saleswoman from a major condom company was required to travel cross-country to meet a perspective buyer.

Her boss asked her to take about 100 condoms of various types with her. As she was running late for her flight, she simply stuffed them all into her briefcase.

The cab ride to the airport was delayed by traffic and she had just enough time to throw her ticket at the counter and run onto the plane.

As she jumped into the airplane, she dropped her briefcase and all the condoms flew out all over the floor in front of all the passengers and crew.

They all stared amazed at the display and then looked to the woman who said sheepishly,

"I’m meeting a new client."

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle Me Elmo dolls." It was Friday and almost quitting time but the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker could not keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem.

The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.

The boss could not control his laughter and said,

"Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles."

A young man walks into a bar and notices two lovely young blond women sitting down.

He tells the bartender, "I’d like to buy those two ladies a drink."

The bartender gives him a funny look and answers, "I’m not so sure that is a good idea. You see they’re lesbians."

"Sorry Mr. Bartender, but I don’t know what you’re talking about."

So the bartender responded, "Why don’t you go over there and ask them?"

The young man walked over to the women and asked, "I hear you are lesbians, what does that mean?"

One answered politely, "Well, we like to kiss, suck each other’s tits...."

The young man yells to the bartender,

"Hey get us three drinks here for us lesbians!"

The elderly man entered the car agency together with his young wife.

The owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait upon them himself. He could not help staring at the lady, which, of course, the elderly man noticed.

"May I propose a wager," he said. "If you can do everything to my wife that I can do and still end up the same way as I do, I will pay you double for the car. But if you cannot, you will give it to me for free!"

"OK, agreed!"

The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss and the agency owner did the same. Then the man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her breasts. So did the agency owner. Then the husband opened his fly, pulled out his pecker and bent it in half.

"What color car do you want?" asked the agency owner.

There were three young priests about to take their final vows. The last test that they had to pass was the CELIBACY test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis.

A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest...

"Ting-a-ling"

The chief priest said "Oh, Patrick, I’m disappointed, you’ve failed. Go and have a shower."

The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy when the chief priest heard

"Ting a ling".

"Joseph, I’m very disappointed. You can’t resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower."

The belly dancer started dancing totally naked now around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of...but NO BELL RANG! ! ! !

"John, I’m delighted. You’ve passed! You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph".

"Ting-a-ling, Ting-a-ling , Ting-a-ling , Ting-a-ling "

A piano player passes a piano bar and there’s a sign in the window: PIANO PLAYER WANTED. He grabs the sign, walks inside and says to the manager, "I play the piano. I want the job."

The manager says, "Well, I need to hear you play first."

The man sits down and plays the most beautiful song the manager ever heard.

The manager says, "That was the most beautiful song I have ever heard, was it Chopin or Brahms?"

"Neither! I wrote it myself," says the pianist proudly.

"What’s it called?" the manager asked.

"Lift up your blouse and show me your boobs."

"Oh"... says the manager "Well,.. do you know any other songs?"

The piano player plays another song more beautiful than the first.

The manager is wowed and says, "I’ve never heard such artistry! I must know the name of this song. Was that Bach or Beethoven?"

"Neither! I wrote it myself," says the pianist.

Reluctantly the manager asks the name of the song.

"Bend over, lift up your skirt and show me where the sun never shines," replies the piano player.

The manager tells the man, "Okay, I’ll hire you on one condition. Don’t EVER tell the customers the name of your songs."

The man agrees and starts that night. The crowd is awed by his playing and by the composition of his songs. After an hour and a half of playing, with a standing ovation after each tune, the man announces a short break. After going to the bathroom, he forgets to zip-up.

On his way out, another man stops him and says, "Hey... do you know your zipper’s undone and your weenie’s hanging out?"

The piano player says......

"Know it?? I wrote it!!"

One day, a guy’s wife was pained for her big stomach.She’s pregnant.

This nervous husband was thought his woman will childbirth.So he called for the hospital.

A nurse picked up phone and listened to the man’s words,and few seconds later she asked:

"Is this her first child?"

"No! This is her husband!"

A very naive sailor is in a bar in Goa. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties and motions for him to get closer.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What’s that?"

She says, "It’s me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, ’your lower mouth?’"

She says, "Just what I said, it’s me lower mouth. It’s got a mustache...it’s got lips..."

He says, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not always."

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don`t know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?"

The kid embarrassedly says "I`ve never done this before. I don`t know what size."

The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, they found a bull and cow mating.

Grandpa explained, "That’s a bull and a cow, and he’s serving her."

A little later on, they saw horses, also in the process of mating.

Grandpa said, "That’s a stud and a mare, and he’s serving her, too."

That night, at supper, after everyone was seated, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled,

"If he does, I’m eating a hamburger!"

Rosy had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely.

Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Robert, a gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.

He picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic.

Robert had also been divorced for quite some time and found himself very attracted to Rosy.

Despite her initial resistance to his advances, he finally succeeded in making love to her.

Rosy was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, "I don’t know how I’m going to face my daughter, knowing that in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"

"What do you mean, twice?" he asked.

"We only did it once."

"Well, you’re going to do it again, aren’t you?" Rosy asked.

Defence Attorney: What is your age?

Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch, on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes walking up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my husband passed away some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so excited that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Old Woman: Hell, no. That’s when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that’s when I shot the son of a bitch!

One teacher is giving students physiology class in a college. He is talking about sperm and says:"One element of men’s sperm is sugar."

One female student just asks naturally:"Since it has sugar,why it doesn’t taste sweet?" The whole class is quiet for a while,then the woman realizes what she just said,she blushes with embarrassment and walks to the door of the classroom in a hurry.But the teacher just answers aturally:"Well,you don’t feel it’s sweet just because people’s taste bud to sweet is on the side of the tongue,not on the back of the tougue."

Three ladies all have separate husbands named Leroy.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let’s name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I’m tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I’m gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it’s always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I’m gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I’m gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That’s not a soda pop... that’s a hard liquor! "

The third lady bursts out, "That’s my Leroy, the hard Licker!"

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words.

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

"Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ’Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ So, here we are!"

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding, they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks with a sly grin, "What are they doing honey?"

The husband answers, "They`re roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!" while trying to hide her knowing expression.

After a few more hours of driving, they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?"

The husband answers, "They`re roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others` bodies. The bride discovers her husband`s privates.

"What is that?" she asks.

"That`s my rope," he answers.

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks. "They`re my knots," he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!

Her husband asks, "What`s the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope.

Jack went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem: he was unable to get his penis erect.

After a complete exam the doctor told Jack that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be applicable, if he were willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant`s trunk in Jack`s penis. Jack thought about it for a while.

The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear.

So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, Jack decided to go for it.

Few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His girl friend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "Jack, that was incredible. Can you do that again?"

Jack, with his eyes watering, replied:

"I think I can, but I`m not sure that I can fit another roll up my ass."

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in. The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating nonstop.

The intern asks the doctor: Why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.

The doctor answers: Oh, he has a medical condition where the sperm builds up so quickly in his body he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode.

"Oh, I see", says the intern.

They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse.

Again, he asks the doctor: What is up with THAT?

The doctor says, Same condition, better medical plan.

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"That’s right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry,

"It’s too big, it’s too big!’"

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil at his bedside. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move lightly.

　　

"My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh. Don`t talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I...I have something I must confess to you."

"There`s nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.... "Everything`s all right, go to sleep."

"No no, I must die in peace, Becky. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know..." Becky whispered softly,

"that`s why I poisoned you."

A man came home from work one day and his wife asked him to fix the toilet. The man says, "Who do I look like the plumber?" and never fixed it....

The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the garbage disposal. The man says, "Who do I look like a blad specialist?" and never fixed it....

The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the refrigerator. The man says, "Who do I look like the maytag repair man?" and never fixed it....

The man comes home the next day and his wife told him she hired someone to fix the fridge, someone to fix the garbage disposal, and someone to fix the toilet.

The man asks his wife, "How much did it cost?"

His wife says, "I had to either bake them a cake or have sex with them."

The man asks his wife, "What kinda cake did you bake them?"

The wife says, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker?"

This woman goes into a dentist`s office, and after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."

The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, I`d rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies:

"Make up your mind quickly Lady, I have to adjust the chair."

Sunday morning... Pappu is just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So he heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" Says a little girl`s voice.

"It`s Daddy," Says Pappu. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

After a brief pause, "But you haven`t got an Uncle Sonu!"

"Yes I do, and he`s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here`s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and uncle Sonu that my car`s just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she`s all dead."

"Oh my God... And what about uncle Sonu?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he`s dead too."

There is a long pause, then Pappu says,

"Swimming pool!!?!? Is this 510603xxxx?"

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her.

He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door.

He said, "That was the best, honey. You’ve never moved like that before, you didn’t hurt yourself did you?"

His wife replies, "No, no. I’ll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take that all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says

"You".

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he`s driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie`s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago".

"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie`s room and goes across the hall into Bob`s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!"

Bob says, "I`m screwing Charlie`s wife while he`s in Chicago!"

The vagina and anus are neighbor.one day the vagina said to the anus, these days the penis always visit my home.why you dont help me .anus angry said : fuck! you can not see everytimes he come to your home and append two bombs on my gate.how i can do!

A young lady decided wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly groom replied,

"There are two things I can`t stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What`s a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this, thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy."

The son then asks "What`s a bitch?"

The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what`s a pussy?"

The father doesn`t want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That`s everything outside the circle!"

A young boy of six was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate I’ll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery.

On the day he was admitted his mother asked Dr. could you please circumcise him while he is asleep.

The Doctot agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several days.

After about a week he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon. He asked him to tell him about the surgery.

The little boy replied, "All I can tell you is your tonsils ain’t where you think they are."

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor s office.

"We have come for an examination" said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "it`s my old aunt here."

"Very well. Madam, put your tongue out."

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

A couple was golfing one day on a Very Exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball, do not knock out any windows. It will cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let s go up there, apologize and see how much it s going to cost us."

They walked up and knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh yeah, sorry about that" the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I am a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle.You have released me. I am allowed to grant three wishes - I will give you each one wish, and I will keep the last one for myself." the genie said.

"Ok" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem-it is the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world" she said.

"Consider it done." the genie said.

"And what is your wish, genie?" the husband said

"Well, since I have not had sex with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I would not mind."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was all over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, "How old is your husband anyway?"

"35" she said.

"Really? And he still believes in genies?"

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture.

But being too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.

Later, he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is and hopes she won’t notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,

"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look long!"

A young farm-girl answers the door and sees an older neighbour standing there.

"My Dad ain’t home," the young girl says, "but I know what you want and I am sure I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my Dad charges four hundred bucks for his best bull."

"That’s not I want," growled the neighbour

"We also have a young bull who is just starting out. My Dad charges three hundred bucks for him," she replies.

"That’s not I want either," growls the neighbour.

"Well then, we have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do the job. My Dad charges only one hundred bucks for him." she informs him.

"That’s not what I want at all. I came here to see your Dad about your brother. Your brother made my daughter pregnant," the neighbor hisses.

"Oh. I guess you’ll have to see my Dad about that then, because I don’t know what he charges for him."

A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.

Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks.

The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the headline. It reads: Team to play with Dicks out.

What do politicians and porn stars have in common?

They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera.

On a NUDE beach a man shakes hand with a lady & says: Pleased to meet you!

Lady: Yeah, I can SEE that.

Why do men get circumcised?

Because women will GRAB anything with 20% off!!

Today’s generation:

Six year old boy to a four year old boy:

Dude, I found a condom in the balcony.

Four year old boy: What’s a balcony ?

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses.

The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!"

"Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," stammered the private.

"Accident, what kind of an accident?"

The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"

"No, no nothing of those..." said the private.

"Well then, what is it?"

"I’d rather not tell you sir..."

"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I’ve to see my patients now."

"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private.

"Don’t be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?"

"She crossed her legs....."

Police officers Rosa and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

Rosa replied, "We don’t have to go back, just give the sniffer, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn’t fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido’s nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido’s ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant’s balls in his mouth.

This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "Listen, I have 3 girls coming over tonight. I never had 3 girls at once, I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent."

So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small black card-board box marked with an "X" and says "Here, if you eat this you`ll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

The guy says "gimme 3 boxes".

The next day the same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man`s dick is black and blue, the skin`s hanging off in places.

To which the pharmacist replies "ABSORBENT JR.?

You`re not going to put ABSORBENT JR. on that are you?"

Man: "No it`s for my arms... the girls didn`t show up".

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he`s feeling?

`I`ve never felt better,` he replies. `I`ve got an eighteen year old bride who`s pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?`

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, `Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who`s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he`s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he`s walking in the woods near the creek, and suddenly he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella , points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM! The beaver drops dead in front of him.`

`Thats impossible!` said the old man in disbelief, `someone else must have shot the beaver!`

`Bingo!` says the doctor....

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up.

"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied,

"Oh, about eight or nine hundred dollars......., I guess!"

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.

When he arrived, they didn’t have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.

A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said,

"Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I’ll be damned if that gynecologist didn’t stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!"

Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking.

Suddenly it starts raining so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off and puts it over the cigarette.

Her friend asks her: "What are you doing?!?"

So she replies: "I don`t want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom"

So her friend asks: "What’s a condom? Where did you get it?"

So she says: "At the pharmacy"

So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom.

The clerk asks: "What size?"

So she replies: "I dunno, one that will fit a camel"

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As it made its appearance it was dark and had an afro.

The doctor said, "Ma’am, have you ever slept with a black man?" She said, "Well, yes, but only once." "Once is all it takes," he replied.

Then the torso appeared and it was yellow. "Ma’am, have you ever slept with an Asian man?" the doctor asked. "Well, yes," she said, "but only once."

"Once is all it takes," he said.

When the legs appeared they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian and she said, "only once" and he replied that that was all it took.

Then the doctor held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry.

"Oh, thank God," she exclaimed, "at least it doesn’t bark!"

Santa decides to go his high school’s 25-year reunion. Having not seen anyone in fifteen years he’s very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweet-heart. They sit down and talk about the past.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"I’ve been fine, just fine," she replies, "Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though."

"Bad news first, dear."

"Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy."

"Oh my, that’s too bad. I’m sorry to hear that."

"But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!"

When the surgeon came to see his young patient on the day after her operation, Jennifer was slightly embarrassed.

So, the doctor asked "What’s wrong?"

"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me," she replied, "but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?"

"Uh..." stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively. "Uh, I hadn’t really thought about it. You’re the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."

A very handsome young man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I`ll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and £2000 a month in living expenses".

These two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets the message", and they both get up and head towards the stairs.

The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "We’re going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV we’ll be right back, Ok?"

The two boys nod ’OK’, and the parents take off upstairs.

he eldest of the two boys is old enough to know what’s going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad’s bedroom and just shakes his head.

Back downstairs he goes back to his little brother. "Come with me", he says.

And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs.

Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says,

"Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our asses for sucking our thumbs..."

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted.

At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.

She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "Oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.

"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.

Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our house, we have everything."

"Don`t be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."

"We do," he answered, "My Daddy said so the other day."

"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.

"Well, my sister came home with her boyfriend, and told Dad that she was pregnant. That`s when my Dad said,

"God, that`s all we needed!"

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.

The woman, concerned about her friend’s welfare, went up to the surgeon who was supposed to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I’m worried about her. What if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor replied, "Well, she’s 32 years old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient’s friend replied, "She’s been working since she was 18 years old, but what’s that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor................................

"if she’s been working for 14 years and hasn’t rejected an organ, I don’t think she’s about to start now!"

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she`s embarrassed and doesn`t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don`t worry," he says, "I didn`t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."

"Who is the third rose from?" she asked.

"Oh," says the doctor......................................

"that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit... He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers. He`d always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for auto mechanics.

When the class ended the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order. The gynecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked.

"Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job, really.

And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."

An exquisite painting entitled "Home for Lunch" was on display in a art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out.

The artist noticed their confusion so he walked up to them and asked, "Can I help you with this painting?"

One woman replied, "We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"I`m afraid you`ve misinterpreted the painting," the artist explained. "The three men are not Africans.

They are coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."

Dear Amber:

I’m honored to know some of the jokes I posted were able to somehow lifted your spirit when it was down.

I wishing all the best from now on and forever.

You must have a very beautiful smile. keep your chin up and that smile on your face, you will conquer the world.

Your reply fueled me for me to keep on coming. I do hope you will continue to enjoy those harmless "Green", "blue", "Yellow" or what ever color jokes I post.

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it " Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader".

The gas pump of course did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump`s haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire."

The other alien shouted to his companion, "No, you must not anger him....", but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travel around the galaxy it`s if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, you don`t screw around with him."

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s member is being exhibited for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans, "OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"

Little nasty...........I hope you don’t get the sick feeling after you read it.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, `I`m so pissed off!`

`Oh yeah? What happened?` asked the bartender politely.

`See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home, and we stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!

`Gee, that`s tough!` commiserated the bartender.

`Right, but that`s not what really got me aggravated,` the customer went on.

`When her husband came into the room he said `Hey great!

You`re naked already! Let me just take a leak`. And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn`t piss out the window right onto my head?`

Yeech!` the bartender shook his head. `No wonder you`re in a lousy mood.`

`Yeah, but I haven`t told you what really really got to me.` Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land ? `My damned forehead !`

`Damn, that really is a drag !` says the bartender.

`Oh, I`m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to make a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !`

The bartender paled. `That would sure mess up my day.`

`Yeah, yeah, yeah, the fellow rattled on, `but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off ? When I looked down and saw that myfeet were only SIX inches off the ground!!`

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I’ll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -

Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we’re about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we’ll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, ’Have you left the washing machine door open’ instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don’t suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

Once in a heavily crowded bus three guys were seated, while three girls besides them were standing. By understanding their problems, the guys offered the girls to sit on each of their laps.

Without hesitation the girls agreed and each of the girl sits on a guy’s lap. After some time the first girl asks the first guy if he was a Mechanical Engineer.

He replies with wonder, "Yes..! How did You Know?"

She answers, "Your piston is starting to hit my cylinders"

After quite some movement, the second girl asks the second guy, "Are you an Electrical Engineer?"

Astonished, the guy asks, "What makes you ask this question?"

She says, "Hmmm.... I am receiving shock waves from your laser gun"

Then finally the third girl asks the other guy a question with an embarrassing voice, "Hello.. you are a great Civil Engineer, aren’t you?"

To which he exclaims with wonder, "Certainly.. how did you know?"

She replied, "It’s no secret your dam is broken and its flooded my village."

A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.

"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.

The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier`s patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don`t mind."

"Of course I wouldn`t mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.

The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier kissed the flag.

"Thank you, nurse," he said.........................

"Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss The BUSH too?"

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop"

"Wait a minute" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business"

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent."

"One penny!?" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where’s the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What’s he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I’m doing to his business."

A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them:

"Ah, you're lovely, aren't you?" she says to the first dog. "What's your name?"

To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And what's your name then?"

Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

"No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful day."

There was these two old men sitting in one of the old mens house. They haven't had sex in 20 years... The first old man then said,"I have an idea...Lets go to the whore house and have sex with a young lady!" The other old man agreed and they went to the whore house and went to the lady up front and asked her for one woman each to have sex with.. The lady behind the counter thought,"well my girls are to good for these old mean,so I'll give them blow up dolls...They wont know the difference." So she gave them each a blow up doll and the old men thought they were real living girls.. They went to a room did their business and came out and went home.. On the way home the 1st old man said,"You know..when i was doing my business i think that girl was dead,she didnt say anything,move or anything..Just laid there" he looekd at the other old man and said,"what do you think?" The other old man looked at him and said,"I think mine was a witch.." the first old man asked,"Why you say that?" and the 2nd old man responded,"Because when I bit her on the boob she farted and flew out the window."

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."

The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"

"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."

"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

One day, back in the olden days, a cowboy was crossing the desert to do some trading and came upon an Indian. The Indian was laying on his back and had an erection that stuck straight up in the air.

The cowboy asked the Indian what he was doing.

The Indian replied, "Me tell-um time." This made sense to the cowboy, he was using his penis as a sundial.

A few days later, after completing his trading, the cowboy came across the same Indian. This time the Indian was laying on his back vigorously masturbating.

The cowboy asked what he was doing this time.

The Indian said, "Me wind-um watch."

A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.

The hooker says, "wheres my money?"

The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear.

It says "gets paid for sex."

The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker.

It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I`ve been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you`ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you`ve been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn`t even examine that woman. How d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn`t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I`ll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn`t have the energy she once did. "I`m feeling terribly run down lately."

"You`ve probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says to him. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on."

"Could you describe the symptoms to me?" the doctor asks.

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeds to undress.

When she was down to her underwear she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.

"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."

'The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance?" he asked.

Embarrassed and slightly nonplussed at this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"

"Well," the doctor says, "I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."

A woman complained to her veterinarian that her dog would start humping her every time he came into the house.

"Is there anything you can do?" she asked.

The doctor said, "Well, we could castrate him, and then he would no longer have a sex drive."

The woman replies, "That seems awfully harsh...........................

............. Couldn’t you just clip his nails and do something about his breath?"

An single woman was shopping at the grocery store feeling lonely and horny. In the check out stand she noticed a young bagger and thought she might approach him.

When he asked if he could take her groceries to her car she excitedly said, "Yes."

As they headed to the door she touched his arm and said, "I have an Itchy Pussy."

The young man smiled and kept walking. Feeling he maybe he didn't understand when they reached the door she said again, "I have a itchy Pussy!"

The young man smiled and started to look in all directions, in the parking lot she tried one more time, "I have an itchy pussy!"

The young man turned and replied, "Lady your going to have to point it out to me, because all those import cars look alike to me!"

On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride called her mother from the hospital. "Mother", she sobbed, "My husband has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter said, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.

The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Once there was this guy from Glasgow who took a vacation to Aberdeen. While there, he met up with a prostitute. He got down & dirty with her. Afterwards, the prostitute said: "100 pounds." The guy said: "No, here is 200." The prostitute responded: "You're so kind." Some days pass, and the guy met up with the same prostitute again and had sex again. The prostitute asked for 100, but the guy again says: "No, here's 200." The prostitute says: "You're so kind." More days pass, and the guy met up with the prostitute one last time to have sex. The prostitute says: "100, please." The guy slaps her and hands her 200. The prostitute says: " you're so kind. Where are you from?" Guy says: "I'm from Glasgow." The prostitute says: "I am from there too." The guy says: "I know, your mum sent me to give you 600."

A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex.

The general maintained that sex was 60 per cent work and 40 per cent fun.

The colonel said it was 75 per cent work and 25 per cent fun.

The major thought it was 90 per cent work and 10 per cent fun.

At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door.

"Let s leave it to him," said the major.

The private listened carefully and said with an air of absolute finality,

"If you will pardon me, Sirs, sex is 100 per cent fun and no work at all."

"How do you figure that?" cried the astonished officers.

"It is very simple," said the private.

"If here was any work in it at all, you guys would have me doing it for you."

An elderly woman sees a bunch of women lining up outside a building. Being so naive, she doesn't know these women are prostitutes and that they've been arrested at the local police station.

She approaches one of the women in line and asks her what they were all lining up for. The lady of the street, somewhat embarrassed, faked the reply by saying they're handing out free oranges here.

The old lady thought it was too good to miss, so she went to the end of the line and waited.

When one of the police saw the old woman, he asks, "Aren't you a bit old for this sorta stuff?"

"Are you kidding? I may not have any teeth, but I still like to peel them back and suck them!"

Creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,

Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, who sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I will show you my thighs,"

and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit hot and excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!"

A very attractive woman goes up to the register in a restaurant.

She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies, "I`m just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him."She asks, Running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I`m afraid I can`t," breathes the manager - clearly aroused, "he`s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country lane late one night when his truck broke down. All he could see was a faint light in the distance. So he headed towards it. He came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door.

"Hello," he says, "I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck is broken down. I wonder could I have a bed for the night?"

"Well," says the farmer, "there are only two rooms, myself and the wife in one, and my young daughter in the other."

"Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a house," says the greatest truck driver in the world.

"All right," says the farmer. So he let the greatest truck driver in the world in, and off everyone went to bed.

At four in the morning, the farmer heard the headboard in his daughter’s room banging against the wall. He got up and looked in, there was the greatest truck driver in the world driving it into his daughter, with his bare ass going up and down.

He went down stairs and loaded the shotgun. He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the driver's asshole.

"All right," he says, "if you're the greatest truck driver in the world, try and reverse out of there with a full load."

3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet`s office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?"

The Schnauzer responds, "I`m 17 years old. I don`t see or hear very well. I`ve been having accidents in the house. My owner says I`m too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The Schnauzer asks the poodle, "Why are you here?"

The Poodle responds, "I`ve not been myself lately. I`ve been especially high strung. I`ve been barking all the time, I`ve been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor`s kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can`t risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here.

The Great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful ramp model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked, when she suddenly bent down to pick up something. She bent over and when the animal urge took over and the next thing I know- I`m on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn`t help myself."

The Poodle asks, "So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?"

The Great Dane says,"No, my owner model brought me here just to get my nails trimmed."

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn`t!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don`t even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled .........................

"Well ma`am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we must be friends."

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are.

The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they re for protection when you re having sex."

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it.

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?"

The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.

The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation, but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the General panting and he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical, but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them.

As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.

However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants.

She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband."

The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "Your right, he's not your husband."

The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not from our village."

The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws.

At last, he took his assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patient's balls a vicious pinch.

The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed.

"Didn't hurt, did it?" asked the dentist.

"Not too much," replied the patient, "but who would have thought the root went that deep?!"

A man walks up to his wife and says, "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

The wife thinks for a moment and says, "your cock is bigger than your brothers."

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, Gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone!

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..."

He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant serious business.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all the next day, screwed her all the next night... but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!!

What is the moral of this story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone!

Sports cars

In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials.

So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"

Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnnie.

Little Johnnie stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why?"

He responded by saying, "Because my sister has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"

Spoiled Wife

Harry (1028) and his wife took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.

"Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs?" asked the boy. Embarrassed, the mother replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas.

While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked, "Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"

"That's the elephant's penis, son," Harry explained.

"Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" the boy asked.

Taking a deep breath, Harry (1028) proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!"

Little Johnny comes home from school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.

Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

A baby was born that was so! so! so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?", he asked.

"Yes, I am."

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, I am," she said.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father answered. with a smile on his face.

The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger and said,

"Hurts, doesn't it?"

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers (name of a candy).

He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

　　"Red...................cherry"

　　"Yellow............... lemon"

　　"Green.................lime"

　　"Orange...............orange"

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well" he said, "I`ll give you all a clue. It`s what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out - they`re assholes!!!"

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand.

The teacher says, "See it`s long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands.

"See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses.

"Let me give you another hint, it`s something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it`s a horny bastard."

A young man and his comely date were sitting in the back of his car in Lovers Lane one evening.

They began kissing and touching and before they new it, they had finished.

The two were sitting there, quietly adjusting their clothes, but neither one looked satisfied.

The young man spoke first: "If I had know you were a virgin, I would have taken my time."

The young woman replied,

"If I had known that we had more time, I would have taken off my pantie hose!"

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"You liar, you were out bowling again!"

　　

A man was on a train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."

He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha, ha, you'll get fined heavily for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers."

Patty was not feeling very well, so he decided to go to a doctor. While he was waiting in the doctor`s reception room, a nun came out of the doctor`s office. She looked very ashen, drawn and haggard.

Patty went into the doctor`s office and said to the doctor, "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."

The doctor said, "I just told her that she is pregnant."

Pat exclaimed, "Oh my, is she?"

The doctor responded, "No, but it sure cured her hiccups.

A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making wild and passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them.

He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"

Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said,

"Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes........."

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That`s awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank,

"if it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"

A little boy hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means.

His father is quite shocked, and replies: "Well, uh... you go there to... have a good time."

The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he`s too young.

Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie`s" to "have a good time", not knowing the little boy is following them.

After his father leaves, the little boy enters the whorehouse and tells the madame that he wants to have a good time.

She`s a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave.

Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried. His father approaches him first and asks him where he`s been.

"IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he screams proudly.

"WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?"

"I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last."

"What's wrong with me, doc?" asks the patient. "My balls have turned blue!"

The doctor examines him and says his testicles have to be removed, or else he'll die.

"I can't let you do that!" the patient cries.

"Do you want to die?" the doctor asks. So the patient glumly consents to have his balls removed.

Two weeks later the patient returns. "Doc, now my penis has turned blue!"

The doctor examines him and reaches the same conclusion: his penis must go.

The man begins to cry. "How will I pee?"

"Simple. We'll install a plastic pipe and that will do the trick," says the doctor. "You don't want to die, do you?"

Again, the man sadly consents to the procedure.

Two weeks later, the man returns again. "Doc! The pipe turned blue! What the hell is happening to me?"

"Well, I'm not really sure," admits the doctor. "Wait... do you wear jeans?"

　　

Three guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.

One guy says, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"

"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that drives her wild."

Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"

Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my cock on the curtain. Drives her nuts!"

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"

"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

　　

Q: What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?

A: Bingo!

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: What 3 words does a woman not want to hear when having sex?

A: Darling I'm home!

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.

“Olympic condoms?”, she asks, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors,” he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks cheekily.

“Gold of course,” says the man proudly.

The wife responds, “Really, why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

A man takes his wife to the county livestock show, and they head down the aisle that houses the bulls. The sign on the first stall states, THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.

The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year. Isn’t that nice!” After passing a bull that had mated 65 times, she grinningly quips, “You could learn from this one!”

They reach the last bull, whose ownder is stroking the massive beast’s head. “How many times has your bull mated this year?” asks the wife.

“This here’s the pride of the County: 365 times, ma’am.”

The wife’s jaw drops, and she turns to her husband. “Wow! You could really learn from this one. You should ask him what his secret is!”

The fed-up man turns to the breeder and says, “Hey, was it all with the same cow?”

In the middle of a field there's a blonde sitting in a row boat just rowing away like mad. When another blonde spots her while driving by, she stops her car and gets out angrily.

She runs up to the barbed wire fence at the edge of the property and yells, "Girl, it's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! If I could swim, I'd swim out there and kick your bony blonde ass."

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"

The bartender asks "Are you having a bad day?"

The guy replies, "Nope, I'm celebrating my first blowjob!"

The bartender congradulates him and says, "Well in that case, let me give you a beer on the house."

The guy replies, "No thanks, if this doesn't take the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

A woman goes into a dentist’s office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”

Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I’d rather have a baby.”

To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair either way.”

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.

His mother told him, "It is called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!"

On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted.

She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won`t hurt."

He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I will die this very minute!!"

She replied, "Do not be a baby, now come on kiss me."

With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.

He began to cry, "Oh no I am going to die!!!"

She said, "Why are you going to die??"

He replied, "I have just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!!"

An old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I was wondering if you could help me. My wife and I are not getting the same amount of pleasure from sex that we used to."

The doctor looked at the wrinkled old man in surprise, and said, "Can I ask you how old you are, sir?"

"I'm 82", said the old man.

"82!", exclaimed the doctor, "How old is your wife?"

"She's 80", was the reply.

The doctor was astonished by this, and said, "So let me make sure that I understand this right. You are 82, and your wife is 80 and you are worried that you don't get as much pleasure from sex as you used to?"

"That is correct." said the old man, "What can you do to help me?"

"Well," said the doctor, "when did you first notice this problem?"

The old man looked thoughtful, "I noticed it first last night, but then twice this morning."

This guy enters a restaurant, and orders a milkshake, "Not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove man, in the groove."

The cook hears this and gets pissed off, but sends him the milkshake.

The guy then orders a box of fries, "Not too crisp, not too soft, but in the groove man, in the groove."

The cook is getting really pissed off at this, but he rolls up his sleeves and gets him the box of fries.

Then the guy orders a hamburger, "Not too big, not too small, but in the groove man, in the groove."

On hearing this, the cook storms out and charges up to the guy, and says, "You can just kiss me from behind!! Not too much to the left, not too much to the right, but in the groove man, in the groove.

This elderly couple in a nursing home had been dating for three years. One day the old man turns to the old woman and says, "We`ve been together for three years now. Don`t you think it`s time we had sex?"

"No", said the woman.

"I`ll pay you for it", the old man said.

Again the woman said, "no."

"C`mon, I`ll give you five hundred dollars to have sex with me."

The woman said okay, and they arranged to meet in his room that night. Later, in his room, they were laying side by side after having sex.

The old man turns to the old woman and says, "Hell, I`d have paid you one thousand dollars if I`d known you were a virgin!"

The woman turned to the old man and said, "If I`d known you could get it up, I`d have taken my panty hose off!"

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, `come fly the friendly skies`?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don`t leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, `Just do it`?"

and John answered, "My girl friend Judy”.

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'mgoing to get a tetanus shot."

Son: "Dad, why does love-making makes you feels good?"

Dad: "Just like digging in your nose, it`s feels good, right!"

Son: "Why is it that guys don`t usually feel as good as gals?"

Dad: "Just like when you dig in your nose, it`s your nose that feel good, not your finger!"

Son: "Then why do gals feel bad when they are raped?"

Dad: "If a stranger comes along and digs in your nose, will you feel the same way?"

Son: "When girls are having their menstruation, why don`t they usually want to have sex?"

Dad: "If your nose is bleeding, will you still want your nose to be dug?"

Son: "Dad, one last question ... why don`t guys like to wear condoms when they make love?"

Dad: "Would you want to wear a glove when you dig your nose?"

A pilot invited his friend to a flight in a small plane. They each brought girls to the flight.

As they been in the air, a strange sound came from the engine and the plane started to swing from side to side.

So the pilot whispered to is friend, "There is a serious problem with the airplane. We are going to crash. There are only two parachutes in the plane ... so grab one and let's save ourselves."

"But what about the girls?" asked the friend.

"Fxxk the girls," answer the pilot with a scorn tone.

"... You think we still have the time for that?"

A rather well built woman, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bathing suit. However on the second day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan figuring that no one could see her way up there. She'd hardly began when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said a flustered little (out of breath) assistant manager of the hotel. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!"

"What difference does it make", Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed little man. "You are lying on the dining room skylight."

Once upon a time, there was a bridge between an American held territory and a Polish Country. An American soldier was assigned to walk and guard the bridge, so did the Polish. The American soldier was given strict orders not to talk with the Polish soldier as they met at the center of the bridge on each patrol.

The American became bored, so obeying orders not to talk; he decided sign language was OK. On the next pass, he gestured by putting both hands above his head and moving his fingers as he brought his hands down (asking of course, are you in the paratroops?).

The Polish soldier frowned and passed on by.

The next pass the American took his right hand two fingers and walked them down his left arm (you must be in the ground troops?).

The Polish soldier frowned again.

The next pass the American took his left hand and made a circle with his index finger and thumb, and inserted his right index finger through the circle (you must be in artillery?).

The Polish soldier threw down his rifle and ran off the bridge!!

The American's CO called the American soldier in and asked, "What in the hell did you say to that Polish soldier?"

The American said, "Nothing, just some sign language".

The American C O said, "Do you know what he told his CO? He told his CO that you told him 'When the sun comes down...I'm going to walk across this bridge to your camp... and Fxxk you in the Axxhole!"

The guy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together,and when they reach the front door, he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don`t you give me a blowjob?".

"What ? You`re crazy???!!!"

"Don`t worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up.."

"I`ve already said NO, and NO!"

"Honey, it`s just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."

"NO!!! I`ve said NO!!!"

"My love.. don`t be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says: "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself,----------------

--------------- but for God`s sake! ! ! ! !! Tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention... the Assembly line for the automobile... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself."

So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.

Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?"

God asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

　　1. There's too much front-end protrusion.

　　2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.

　　3. Maintenance is extremely high.

　　4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.

　　5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.

　　6. The rear end wobbles too much.

　　7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.

　　8. The headlights are usually too small.

　　9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

"Hummmm," replies God, "hold on a minute."

God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report and God read it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, "You are 100% correct, my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

　　

A couple felt that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, so they went to see a sex therapist.

After listening to their complaints, the therapist suggested they try a new position.

"For example," the therapist said, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go."

When they got home, the eager husband was all for trying this new idea right away.

"Well, all right," the hesitant blonde wife said, "but only on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you have to stop right away."

"OK, honey," the husband said. "What's the second condition?"

"You have to promise we won't go past my mother's house!" she replied.

A man asked that the blonde painter, paint him in the nude.

"Oh no!" replied the talented artist. "I'm sorry, but I don't do that sort of thing."

"I'll pay you double your normal fee," the man offered.

"No thanks!" she replied.

"Ok, I'll give you five times what you normally charge," the man said.

The blonde artist thought about it for a moment and replied, "Well, all right, but you'll have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to put my brushes!"

A couple felt that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, so they went to see a sex therapist.

After listening to their complaints, the therapist suggested they try a new position.

"For example," the therapist said, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go."

When they got home, the eager husband was all for trying this new idea right away.

"Well, all right," the hesitant blonde wife said, "but only on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you have to stop right away."

"OK, honey," the husband said. "What's the second condition?"

"You have to promise we won't go past my mother's house!" she replied.

The exterminator!

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I`m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I`m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

As big as Gas Grill !!

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together.

As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey honey, you`re getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it`s as big as the gas grill now."

The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife`s butt.

"Yep", he said, "Just as I thought; just about he same size."

The wife got very angry and decided to let him do the gardening alone.

She went inside and didn`t speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

"What`s the matter?" he asked.

To which she replied, "You don*t think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?

Harry comes home from work and his wife is in the kitchen on all fours, wearing nothing but her bathrobe, scrubbing the kitchen floor.

He comes up behind her, lifts up her robe, fxxks her fast and hard doggie-style, and then smacks her in the head.

She screams...... "Harry! I let you do something so nice like that! What`d you hit me for?"

He says, "For not looking to see who it was!"

A newlywed couple and their families were in court. The judge was questioning the best man about the fight which broke out at the wedding reception a few weeks earlier.

"Your Honour, we were having a wonderful time. Everyone was dancing and celebrating. As you know, it's traditional for the best man to have a dance with the bride. And that's exactly what I was doing when the fight broke out. After our first dance, the music continued, so I danced with her during the second song. After that, the music still continued, so I danced with her during the third song. That's when the groom jumped over the tables and gave the bride a powerful kick in the crotch and a couple of punches to her breasts."

"Wow, that must've been very painful." said the judge.

"You bet it was painful!" replied the best man. "It broke six of my fingers and gave me a fat lip!"

Three blonde sisters got married on the same day. Since, they could not afford to go on a honeymoon, they stayed home. That night, the mother couldn`t sleep. She heard her oldest daughter screaming, while her second daughter laughed all through the night. However, there was silence in her youngest daughter`s room.

So, the next morning when the men left, intrigued, she asked her oldest daughter: "Why were you screaming last night?"

The reply was, "Mom, you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

She then looked at her second daughter and asked: "Why were you laughing last night?"

"Mom, you always said that if something tickled, you should laugh," was the answer.

She now asked her youngest daughter, "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full," came the answer.

The teacher asks Little Johnny "Which body part goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny replies "The feet, miss"

So the teacher says "Why the feet?"

And Little Johnny says "Because when I go in my mummy's bedroom at night she has her legs in the air shouting 'Oh my God I'm coming'"

"Miss Veronica, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from the men's magazine explained.

"Why?"

"It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black."

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."

There were three young sisters who fell on hard times. They were hungry and behind on the rent so they decided one of them would have to go out on the streets.

The eldest said she was too old, the middle one said she was too plain so it came down to the youngest sister. They put her out on the street and instructed her to ask for at least 500 bucks.

It was very late when she got home, "Hurry up," they said, "the food shop closes soon, give me the money."

The sister looked embarrassed and explained she hadn’t got the money.

"What happened” they asked.

"Well you see I got picked up by a man who took me to his room and he had his wicked way."

"Well what did you do with the money?"

"Well you see I liked it so much I paid him to do it again."

A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.

She was bracing herself by holding a lightpost with one hand, and she was holding her hat snuggly against her head with her other hand.

Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.

The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, everybody is taking a look at what you`ve got. Don`t you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?"

"Look, sonny,.... what these people are looking at is 60 years old. ...But the hat is BRAND NEW!"

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, ..........................................

"Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

A guy went to Vegas for the first time in his life. He was very curious about the sex services offered there. Through a bellboy, he found the best in town.

When the lady came, he asked, "How much is your service?"

The lady said, "$100 for a hand job.” "What? Why so expensive?" the guy asked in amazement.

The lady pulled the guy to the window and asked him, "Do you see that shiny red Porsche down there? That's what I earned by my hand!"

The guy was convinced and decided to try her service. It was great! So he asked, "What else can you do?"

The lady said, "For $200 I'll give you a blowjob."

"What? That's way too expensive for a blow job!" he replied.

The lady brought him to the window again, and said, "Do you see the restaurant down there? That's what I've earned with my mouth!"

So the guy decided to go for it and gave her $200. It was unbelievable! So he decided he wanted to try the "real" thing. So he asked, "How much for real intercourse?"

The lady pulled him over to the window again, and said, "Do you see that skyscraper there? It would have been mine a long time ago if I had a pussy!"

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy replied, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way."

The priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly . . . but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said,

"Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can`t bring that animal in here, they aren`t allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!"

So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says...

"Sure, but don`t hit me with that stick."

A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"

A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.

"No, no, no, let`s try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"

"None!" the boy says with authority.

The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."

"It`s simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away."

"Well," she says, "it`s not technically correct, but I like the way you think."

"OK," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating Popsicles. One woman is licking the Popsicle, one woman is biting the Popsicle, and one is sucking the Popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked.

The teacher looked at the boy`s angelic face and she writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.

"C`mon," the boy said impatiently, "One is licking the Popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?"

"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who`s sucking?"

"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on........................... But I like the way your think!"

Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Frist executive says, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life."

"What happened?" asks second executive.

First one moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!"

"You think you had a bad week?" responds the second executive. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!"

first executive, How can you say that your week was worse than mine? It was identical!"

"You shmuck!" replies second executive. "I manufacture men's garments..."

Once a young boy was watching his mother take a bath. As she got out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks, "Momma, what are those?"

She replies, "Son, those are my breasts."

As she turns the back to him, he asks, "Momma, what is that?"

She replies, "Son, that is my derriere."

As she turns to slip on her robe he spies her nether region and asks, "Momma, what is that?"

She replies, "That, son, is none of your business!"

Later the boy is playing by the kitchen door, and the father comes in from work hungry. The father hollers toward the kitchen to the mom, "Hey honey, what`s for dinner?"

She replies, "None of your business."

The son shaking his head says, "YUCK!"

One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.

She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, John?"

"Milk!" answered the john.

"No, I’m sorry. That’s the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher.

"Wow!", john exclaimed, "I didn’t know the stem was that long!"

A young amorous couple were about to do the wild thing, so, being smart, they bought a box of a dozen condoms. They had a nice time in bed, playing and fondling and finally culminating it by having sex.

When she came back to her boyfriend's apartment a week later, the woman discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12.

A little upset, she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His reply was, "Honey, I masturbated with them."

She then went to her male confidant friend and told him told him the story, and asked him if he had ever done this.

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you have masturbated with a condom before?" she said.

"Oh" he said, "I thought you meant have I lied to my girlfriend."

Johnny is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, he manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Johnny to the doctor.

After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small.

An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."

The next morning Johnny jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

"Mom!" Johnny yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."

"I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."

George and Nancy were a week away from their wedding day. George was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm.

"Nancy, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said George.

Nancy's answer as expected was, "No George, it's only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize."

The next night George again pesters Nancy.

Being an understanding sort, Nancy gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow, I'll let you have a little feel of your prize."

It only makes matters worse for George and by the next night he can hardly contain himself.

Seeing his obvious predicament Nancy greets George and whispers in his ear, "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize."

Not being bashful, George lifts Nancy's skirts and sniffs.

After a minute he comes up for air, "Nancy, do you think it will keep 'till Saturday?!?"

A young man was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.

He asked how often should you have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year... maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What`s oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, `Fxxk You,` and I holler back, `Fxxk You too.`"

There was a lady who was in bed with her lover one day, when she hears a noise and realizes that her husband is home early from work. She has no idea what to do with her lover so she sticks him in the closet and successfully covers up every part of his body except his balls. Thinking quick, she paints his balls red with some spray paint.

Her husband comes up to the bedroom and opens the closet doors toget out some clothes and notices the red balls hanging there. "What are these?" he asks.

"Oh, those are just some Christmas Bells I picked up on sale this afternoon," she answers.

He toys with them for a second and realizes that they are not making noise, so he pulls them apart and clangs them together, but all he hears is "uuuggghhh".

He says, "Honey, these things aren't working right, let me try again."

So he pulls them farther apart and bangs them together. Still the only noise made is "UUUGGGHHH".

He is beginning to get a little annoyed and he says, "I am gonna try once more and if these things do not chime, I am gonna throw them in the fireplace and burn them."

So he stretches them as far apart as he can and slams them together.

At that moment, the guy sticks his head out of the closet and screams, "DING DONG, DING DONG, DING DONG!!!!

Team's Coach noticed that his star player, Wayne, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.

So one day, after practice, the coach asked Wayne, "Just what the hell is your secret with the women?"

So Wayne replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw them forever!"

The coach decided that this was a good idea so one day he left training early. When he got home he heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "Is that you Wayne?"

There are three guys who go to the same bar after work every night. One night two guys are sitting around when the third guy comes into the bar with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

The other two ask him, "Why are you so happy?"

"Well last night I had the best sex in my life with my wife. I hid my pistol cocked and loaded under the pillow. When I was about to cum I fired a shot into the air. Her pussy got really tight and we both came at the same time."

The next night the second guy comes into the bar with a shit-eating grin on his face and tells the other guy, "Thanks for the advice. Last night I had the most incredible sex with my wife. I was doing her doggy style and when I was about to cum I fired my pistol. We both had a spontaneous orgasm. It was great!"

The next night the first two guys see the third guy come into the bar pissed as hell kicking chairs as he made his way over to them.

The third guy says, "Well I took your advice! My wife and I were doing sixty-nine and I fired my gun! The bitch almost bit off my dick and she shit in my face! And this is not the worse. I killed my dog,and the mailmen ran out of my closest"

Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there`s food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that`s about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Curling irons. They`re always hot, and they`re always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you`re not careful, they`ll creep up your legs.

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

A farmer had 3 lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday night. One by one the local boys came by to pick them up.

The first boy arrived and said: "Hi, I`m Eddie, I`m here for Betty, we`re going steady, is she ready?"

The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.

The second boy arrived and said: "Hi, I`m Joe, I`m here for Flo, we`re going to the show, is she ready to go?"

The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way.

The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the door and said: "Hi, I`m Chuck"

The farmer shot him.

Banta and Preeto got married and celebrated their first night together doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, but with the lights off.

Morning came, Banta went to the bathroom but found no towel when he emerged from the shower.

He asked Preeto to bring one from the bedroom. When she opened the door, she saw Banta's naked body for the first time. Her eyes went up and down and, about midway, they stopped and stared.

She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

Banta, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

Two girls were bathing together. So one girl asked her mate, "How come you have very little pubic hair on your p*ssy?"

The other girl replied with this question, "Hey, have you ever seen tall grass on a busy road?"

John and Jane got married. They planned to honeymoon in Jane's aunt's place. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters.

After about 30 minutes the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel.

John said to Jane, "Jane, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?"

Jane replied, "No. I want to wait till we get to aunt's place."

The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road it broke down again. This time it was next to a good-looking motel.

John turned to Jane and asked, "Look Jane. There's a nice motel. Can we consummate our marriage?"

Jane said, "No. I want to wait till we get to aunt's place."

The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road the bus broke down. This time they were our in the woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus.

Jane turned to John, "I think we should go back into the woods and do it."

Later when they returned the bus, John asked Jane, "Earlier we were next to a nice hotel and you said 'No'. Then, we were by a motel and you said 'No'. But, here we went out into the grassy woods and did it. Why?"

Jane said, "I was listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season would be over."

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.

They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk.

Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.

The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.

Following their lead, the Yankees fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced one last time.

The Yankees fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?

"Well", said the officer, "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole."

　　

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What`s that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful... I had tennis elbow once."

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.

The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.

"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old time golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."

"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of a tribe in Africa. While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses.

So she asked a man who only had one feather in his headdress, his reply was: "Me only have one woman. One woman ... one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another man.

This man had two feathers in his headdress and he replied, "Me have two women. Two women ... two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, needless to say amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief, me fuck`em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me fuck`em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."

The Chief said, "You damn right me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don`t have to be so hostile."

The Chief replied, "Hog-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me fuck`em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

The Chief said, "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

Tim worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Tim indicated that he'd be to embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

On day, a few week slater, Tim came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Tim ?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Tim, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My god, Tim, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Tim. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh,... she got fired too."

At the end of a long crime-fighting day, Superman decides he needs to relax for a few hours, so he rings Spiderman to see if he'd like to go out for a drink.

Spiderman replies, "No, I have to repair my web spinner."

So, Superman rings a few more of his super hero friends and they're all busy.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.

Superman was getting turned on looking at her. He thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening."

So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said: "Did you hear something?"

"No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!"

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old and the editor of a local daily told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "What did he say?"

He said, "We gotta sit over there on the sofa!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "What did he say?"

"He says squeeze together a little."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus," said the photographer.

Yet again - "What did he say?"

"He says he's gonna FOCUS!"

"What????? FOC-US?"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "ME FIRST!"

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck that way with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an asshole!"

A man came home from work one day and his wife asked him to fix the toilet. The man says, "Who do I look like the plumber?" and never fixed it....

The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the garbage disposal. The man says, "Who do I look like a bland specialist?" and never fixed it....

The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the refrigerator. The man says, "Who do I look like the Maytag repair man?" and never fixed it....

The man comes home the next day and his wife told him she hired someone to fix the fridge, someone to fix the garbage disposal, and someone to fix the toilet.

The man asks his wife, "How much did it cost?"

His wife says, "I had to either bake them a cake or have sex with them."

The man asks his wife, "What kinda cake did you bake them?"

The wife says, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker?"

----------------------------------------------------

Google a little, then you know who is Betty Crocker. Haha......

A man is having problems with his penis, which certainly had seen better times.

He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last thirty years. Your penis is burned out. You only have thirty erections left in your penis."

The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor told him.

She says, "Oh no, only THIRTY erections left! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn`t possibly do it. She would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.......

"Really, I can`t," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!!"

The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.

That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said,

"Oh Michael, you shouldn`t be here. My husband will be home soon!"

Santa was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor, Dr. Banta who offered a solution:

"The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Santa was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn`t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

As Santa walked past a men`s clothing store and thought, "That`s what I need-a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I`d like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let`s see... size 44 long."

Santa laughed, "That`s right, how did you know?"

"It`s my job.", the salesman said.

Santa tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Santa admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Santa thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Santa and said, "Let`s see 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck."

Santa was surprised, "That`s right, how did you know?"

"It`s my job."

A man while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th ! hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a saleswoman and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I`m in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you`ll laugh."

"No, I won`t."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That`vs not what I`m laughing at," he replied. "I`m a toilet paper salesman, so I`m still a hole behind you.

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.

Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me more sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should ave mentioned this earlier, but I`m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver`s seat looking out the window. "Why aren`t we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I`m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off.

After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade.

"Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."

"I'll take you."

"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."

"I want you."

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Chinese king name John who was a very important client. The client John out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don`t reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."

The John pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "Not a problem! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateaus built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

Again John pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she`d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."

Thia time John seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in Chinese dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman,

"Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

A young couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. They decided to pull over and park and have some fun.

Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.

"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed at being caught said yes and apologized.

"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior. After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for.

He responded, "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"

Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it. While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"

The father replies, "I don’t want them fucking your mother after I’m gone!"

An Englishman, Irishman and Japanese went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man’s wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn’t wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here`s ten pounds. Go to Mark`s and Spencer`s and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man`s wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn`t wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here`s five pounds. Go to Woolworth`s and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Japanese man’s wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.

The Japanese man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here’s a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."

A French actress, returning from a visit to the United States, brought back a superb mink coat.

"How beautiful," remarked an envious script girl at the studio. "Where did mademoiselle get that?"

"I met a gentleman," said the haughty actress disdainfully, "who had $5000....et voila!"

That summer the script girl took her vacation in the U.S. On her return she sported a mink coat equally as beautifully as the actress's.

"Scare bled!" exclaimed the astonished actress. "How did you get that?"

"The same way as mademoiselle," replied the script girl icily, "only in my case I met a hundred gentlemen, and each had $5."

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G-string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"

A married man had a secretary that was a sweet young thang, and so he decided to "work late" one night and take this girl to dinner. He called his wife to tell her and she said, "okay, no problem."

After dinner with the secretary, it was obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had sex for two hours.

The man went to the bathroom to straighten his clothing for the trip home when he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He immediately fell into a state of panic, and he had NO idea what to tell his wife, but he knew he must be getting home as it was getting quite late.

After knocking on the door, he heard the dog come barking and scratching at the door to greet him. He thought "Aha!!" and entered the house, fell to the carpet and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.

Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed, "Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!"

To which she looked up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look at what he did to my tits!!"

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks,″What＇s your problem, Sol dier？″″Chronic syphilis,Sir！″″What treatment are you get ting？″″Five minutes with the wire brush each day,Sir！″″What＇s your ambition？″″To get back to the front lines,Sir！″″Goodman！″says the Major. He goes to the next bed.″What＇s your problem, Sol dier？″″Chronic piles,Sir！″″What treatment are you get ting？″″Five minutes with the wire brush each day,Sir！″″What＇s your ambition？″″To get back to the front lines,Sir！″″Goodman！″says the Major. He goes to the next bed.″What＇s your problem, Sol dier？″″Chronic gum disease,Sir！″″What treatment are you get ting？″″Five minutes with the wire brush each day,Sir！″″What＇s your ambition？″″To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two,Sir！″

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

This woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago."

Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"

"John Smith," replies the woman.

"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"

The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."

"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Whirling John Smith!"

A girl and her boyfriend got to the local pub. When it`s the girls turn to buy a round, she tells him that she has heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.

She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Baileys, the other lime juice.

She hands him the glasses and says, "Ok, what you have to do is, you gotta swig the baileys, hold it in your mouth for a few seconds, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a bit dubious, but shes very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go. First the baileys; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.

Then he takes the lime juice.

1 second: The cream in the baileys curdles

3 seconds: Boyfriends face turns the color of the lime juice

5 seconds: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the grunge

He turns to his girlfriend and asks what the drink is called to which she whispers in his ear, "Blow job Revenge!"

This drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!"

So the bartender gave him directions to a brothel. The drunk was so messed up that he accidentally walked into the wrong door, a Foot Doctor's office.

The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"

"Yes, I want some service", states the drunk.

The lady sends him to the other room and tells him to put it on the table.

The drunk goes in and places his dick on the examination table. When the doctor comes in and notices the man's penis on the table she says, "That's not a foot!"

The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."

A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on…but I like your thinking.”

A lady shows up at her doctor’s appointment. The doctor calls her name and says, “Will you please follow me?”She is following him down the hallway when the doctor opens the first door. There is a nurse in there giving a guy a hand job.

The doc says, “Oh, sorry!” and shuts the door.

He starts down the hall again when the lady says, “Excuse me, I don’t want to sound stupid, but what was that?”

The doctor replies, “He has an erectile disfuntion problem and the nurse is just helping him out.”

The lady just shakes her head but follows the doctor. The doc walks into the second door. There is a nurse giving a man a blowjob.

The doc says, “Oh sorry!” and shuts the door.

He starts down the hall again and the lady says, “Excuse me, I can kind of understand the first one - but what was that!!!?”

The doc replies, “Same problem, better insurance.”

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill.”

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.

“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house.” the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets, I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s dick off.”

The man takes another look through the scope and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

“Hey, bud, how are ya?”

“I’m good. Hey, congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!”

“Well, I’m glad you like her. Believe it or not, she’s a robot!

“No way, how could that be?”

“Way! She’s the latest Office Robot from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that’s not all, she can have sex, too!”

“Holy shit! You’re kidding, right?”

“No, she’s something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her”

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming…

“Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp” Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!”

The guy says, “Shit! Perhaps I should have told him that her ass is a pencil sharpener!”

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn’t get her tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbour’s garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and enquired of him his secret.

“It’s really quite simple,” the old man explained. “Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment.”

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbour stopped by to check her progress. “So”, he asked, “Any luck with your tomatoes?”

“No”, she replied excitedly… “But you should see the size of my cucumbers!”

The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

A couple is on a plane in the middle of the night, and it is dark and quiet.

The woman says to her husband, "Let's have sex right here".

The husband says, "Are you crazy? People will hear and see us".

"But everybody is asleep", claims the wife, "I will prove it to you. I will ask for water and you'll see that nobody answers me and nobody even hears what I'm saying".

So the woman says in a low voice, "Can I have some water please?"

But no one answers. So the husband starts having sex with her.

After the plane lands, a man run to the steward and says, "Quick, give me water. I have been so thirsty for the last 5 hours"

The steward gives him water and asks him, "Why didn't you ask for water during the flight?"

The guy says, "No way, a woman two rows in front of me asked for water and you won't believe what they did to her!"

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter.

He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter.

"What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!"

He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"