Green Joke (2)

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100 what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100 what cut do the girls get?"

The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!!!".

So he handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde, "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, gesturing to an 80 year old woman in the corner, "But Gracy here has Seniority."

Two women are having a conversation about their guys wen the first 1 says.... `My bloke said he fantasized about having 2 girls at once`.

The other replies `Dear, Most bros do. What did you tell him ?????????`

I said, `If you can't satisfy 1 woman ..Why why did you wanna piss off 2 ?????

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in sex. So she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious and her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.

The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.

"He's dead," she replies.

"Dead?" the doctor asked.

"Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car."

There are three kinds of sex in a marriage.

The first is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, in the kitchen.

The second kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The third kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you."

There is also a fourth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

Joe and Bob were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older.

Joe said to Bob, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked Bob.

"Well," replied Joe, "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches," Joe answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

An elderly couple, James and Sarah, are "snowbirds" in Texas. James always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Sarah looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated James storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?"

Sarah looks up and says, "What's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, James yells, "And do you know why it is hanging down? It's hanging down because it'd looking at my new Cowboy Boots!"

To which Sarah replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, honey. Shoulda bought a hat."

There`s this guy who is really fat. He wants to lose some weight, and he sees this ad in the paper that says "weight loss guaranteed", so he calls the number.

　　

The receptionists asks "How much would you like to lose?"

The guy says "20 pounds." She says, "we`ll send someone right over."

Ten minutes later a beautiful naked blonde shows up at his door.

He says " who the hell are you?"

She says, " I`m from the weight loss clinic. If you can catch me, you can fuck me.."

The guys says ok... he chases her all around the house, and finally catches her and fucks her, but he`s ended up losing the 20 pounds from the effort.

So the next night, he calls the clinic again, and tells the lady he wants to lose 30 pounds. Another naked woman shows up, tells him to catch her, he chases her, catches her and fucks her, after having lost 30 pounds. Finally, he calls one more time, asks to lose 40 pounds.

The receptionist says "Well.... ok."

The doorbell rings, and at his door is standing a huge gorilla with a sign around its neck.

The sign reads "If I catch YOU, I get to fuck you."

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

Harry noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped by the local drugstore.

"What size?" asked the blonde pharmacist's assistant sweetly.

When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size. The blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige. "Size six," she told him after a moment. "Now, take it out. How many?"

Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story.

Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order, "But I'm afraid I don't know my size," he told the sales girl.

So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure. "Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many?"

But Tom kept on going until he was done. "None, thanks," he told her, zipping up his pants and grinning. "I just came in for a fitting."

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, firetrucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms. The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.

The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."

A deaf couple are on their honeymoon. The husband asks the wife in sign language "Honey, how would I tell you when I want to have sex?"

The wife replies in sign language, "if you want have sex bite my right nipple once, if you don`t want to have sex bite my left nipple twice"

Agreeing with this, the wife asks the same question to the husband.

The husband replies "Honey, if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if you don`t want to have sex pull penis 47 times".

A former prostitute with a rather well used vagina that has been somewhat stretched, is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar one night.

She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal.

Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she decides to approach the problem after they are married.

On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child; she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence, which explains why her vagina is so big.

They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the early hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, turns to her and says, "I can understand your private parts being stretched by this barbed wire, my dear, but just HOW far across the field were you before you noticed?"

Jacob, who has always had a fear of needles, was sitting in the hospital waiting to get a vaccination.

When the nurse called him into the office to receive the injection, he nervously entered the room, sat down and broke into a cold sweat as he watched her prepare the needle.

He tried to concentrate on the most pleasurable things he could, hoping that would dull the pain he was about to suffer.

As the nurse approached him with the needle, she couldn't help but notice his nervousness. In an attempt to comfort him, she said, "Don't worry, it's just a small prick."

Jacob quickly jumped up, obviously upset. Startled by his reaction, but before she was able to say anything, Jacob yelled,

"Just how many people has my wife been talking to?!?"

An attorney returned home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the heck have you been?"

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak - pursued by his wife's sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered - to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight,"

she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to dinner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding.

However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, “Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot.”

The father explained, “No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman.”

So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister.

The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

Furious, the mother shouted,

“Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!”

This guy approaches the Madam of a local whorehouse and says, "Madam, I'm ready to spend top dollar here, but I have some very specific requirements. Do you think you can meet them?"

To which the Madam replies, "Sir, you have come to the finest brothel in the area. Our Ladies are extremely skilled in pleasing a man in every way! Simply name your pleasure."

"Great!" he says, "Now here's what I want. I want a woman that doesn't moan, or groan, or thrash around or even move at all. In fact, I want her to simply lie there like a cold, hard piece of wood."

"Well!", she says, "I must say that is a very unusual request, but I simply don't understand. We have the finest, most desirable and exciting women in the world here. Why would you make such a request?"

To which he replies, "Well, I'm a traveling salesman that's been on the road for a while, but I'm not really horny, I'm just homesick!"

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I've heard that you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

Miss Bea was in her 80`s and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl setting on top of it that was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped, the Minister thought. But he certainly couldn`t mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this," pointing to the bowl.

Oh, yes," she replied, "isn`t it wonderful! I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package.

It said, `put it on your organ and keep it wet`, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working, I haven`t had a cold all winter!

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Lets' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen... "

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothing."

One winter day, Adam's neighbor Joe, came up to Adam's door and started pounding on it with a great deal of anger. Adam came to the door to see a red faced Joe screaming obscenities.

Joe: That @#$%^&* son of yours has been pissing in my snow bank!!!!!

Adam: How do you know it was my son?

Joe: That @#$%^&* son of yours wrote his name in the snow!!!!

Adam: Well.. I'll speak to him about it, but I gotta tell you, I'm not sure what your so fired up about, is it really that bad?

Joe: (screaming): What I'm most angry about is it's my daughters handwriting!!!

A blonde goes into the world wide communication center.

She wants to send a message to her mother in Poland.

When the man tells her it will be $300 she says loudly,

"I don`t have any money... But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland."

The man says "ANYTHING" ?

The blonde says "Yes... ANYTHING".

The man says, "Follow me."

He leads her to the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does.

He then says, "Get on your knees."

She does. He then says, "Undo my zipper."

She does.

He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out."

She takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man says, "Well go ahead!"

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says,

"Hello, Mom ?"

An ugly, horrible, bad tempered, bad mouthed, irritated woman walks into a shop with two children shouting at them. The shop attendant, a polite young man welcomed the woman saying:

"good morning madam, what a lovely pair of beautiful children you have. Are they twins?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and sarcastically replies...

Twins?...one is 7 and the other 9...twins? how can they be twins, are you stupid or blind???

To which the attendant replies..."no madam, I am neither stupid nor blind, I just cant believe somebody would fuck you twice!!!.....

Installing a Husband

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. 　

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

-------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 61 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.

Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they'd left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.

After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in my congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

A couple was walking across the meadows. The girl looked at the guy and shyly asked, "Would you like to hold my hand?"

"Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"

She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

They walked a little further and the girl said, "Would you like to kiss me?"

"Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"

She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

As they got to the stream, they sat on a stump, the girl looked at the boy and asked, "Would you like to go all the way with me?"

"Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp) Yes! But how did you know? By the gleam in my eye?" he asked.

"No," replied the girl, "By the tilt in your kilt."

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That`s no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That won`t do you any good." The elderly gentleman said "That`s all right. I don`t need them for sex anymore, as I`m over 80 years old.

I just want it to stick out far enough so I don`t pee on my shoes."

2 sperm are swimming around:

sperm 1 asks sperm 2 "how long until we find the egg?"

sperm 2 says "it’s gonna be a long time, we just now passed the esophagus."

Two ladies walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it.

"That's nice, isn't it?" Monica said waving her arm under her friend's nose.

"Yeah. What's it called?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? What's that mean?"

A clerk offered some help.

"Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'Come to me.'"

Monica took another sniff, "That doesn't smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to her friend again.

"Does that smell like [come] to you?????"

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn`t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It`s a period" reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

An elderly Frenchman knows his number could soon be up and its about time he unloaded his sins onto the priest. "Father, during world war 2 I let a woman stay in my attic to avoid the Germans"

"My son, that is nothing to confess, fear not, God will be very pleased with you" replies the priest.

"Well Father, theres a bit more to it, I said that in return for the attic she must pay me with sexual favors."

"My dear son, let it not concern you, for you yourself would have been executed had the Germans found you were hiding her. God will see that it was a small price for the girl to pay, given the mitigating circumstances."

Thank you father, I feel a whole lot better now Ive got that off my chest. Theres just one last thing though."

"Yes my son, what is it?"

"Do you think I should tell her the war`s over?"

One Friday afternoon two women are sitting on the front porch.

The first woman says, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers. That means I`ll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend."

The other woman asks, "Why, don`t you have a vase?"

Sandy and John were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright, white couple.

Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby, and set to work. Nine months later, the fruit of their labor was born: a lovely white girl.

Pleased but disappointed, John decided to ask a black man at work why they hadn't parented a black baby.

Realizing that John was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside and asked, "Is your dick at least a foot long?"

John had to admit that it was not.

"And is it at least four inches wide?"

Once more John replied in the negative.

"Well, man, there's your problem!" the guy slapped him on the back. "You let in too much light!"

The prostitue girl explain to police that she wasn't prostitution.

Girl : I sold condom which was worth 2 yuan but I sold it 200 yuan .I'm only drive up the price.

Police : After ?

Girl : I teach them how to use it .It is belong to after service.

Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.

However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice on what to do.

The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there.

The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. He calls his mother back to find out what to do next.

She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course.

The bride and groom take his mother`s advice but still nothing.

He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up on him.

A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back, "Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?"

A young lady and her grandmother were in the bank when three bank robbers walked in and held it up.

"All the ladies down on the floor," one handsome robber commanded.

"My grandmother too?" the little girl asked.

"Yes, your grandmother too!"

"All the ladies on the floor, pull up your dresses."

"My grandmother too?"

"Yes, your grandmother too! All ladies will now remove their panties."

"Surely you don't mean my grandmother too?" asked the little girl.

Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted, "YES, YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO! Now, all the ladies on the floor are to spread their legs apart."

When the little girl started to ask if her grandmother was included, her grandmother snarled, "YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN SAID!"

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Preacher'."

Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.

Little Mary got up and said, "My Dad is a pilot, and my Mom is an architect."

"Great" said the teacher.

Michael got up and said, "My Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife." Good said the teacher.

Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said, "My Mommy, she is a substitute."

Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "You mean she is a Prostitute?"

"No". Said Johnny, "My Aunt, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mom substitutes."

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.

Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.

The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.

After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and then slowly tap 3 times on the peanut butter!

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her. He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.

He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl. The bowl is full of butter....

A couple was driving along a country road. The wife says, "Sweetheart let`s stop and do the same thing at the same place where we did "it" forty years ago."

The husband stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he`s immediately on her like a bass on a June bug. They make love like never before. She was screaming and gyrating and SHAKING uncontrollably; and when it was over, much to her husband`s surprise, she fainted!

After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband, quite astounded says: "Darling`, you sure never moved like that forty years ago or anytime since, that I can remember."

The woman, gasping for breath, finally able to speak, says: "Forty Years ago that damn fence wasn`t ELECTRIC!!!"

　　

A hillbilly gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father to get some tips on what to do, since he had never been with a woman before.

So he calls up his dad and asks him, "What do I do first?"

His dad says, "Take her clothes off and put her in bed. "

The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "She's naked and in bed what do I do now?" His dad says, "Take your clothes off and get in bed."

He calls back 5 minutes later and says, "I'm naked and in bed with her what do I do now?"

His dad's patience is now running out so he says, "Look son do I have to spell everything out? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees!"

The hillbilly calls up 5 mins later and says, "OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?"

　

A woman was at home looking in the mirror caressing her breasts when her husband came home from work.

He said what are you doing fondling your breasts like that?

She replied I went to the doctor. today and he said i have breasts of a 25 yr old.

The husband said what did he say about your 50 yr old ass?

She said oh we didn't talk about you at all.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don`t know what else to do.

Whenever I go home after we`ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.

I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you`re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife`s ass and say, `How about a blowjob?` .....................

And she`s always sound asleep."

　　

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady.

The city slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot.

The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, Sir, for defending my honor!"

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor????....... hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!"

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates.

St Peter says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".

The first nun says "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.

The second says "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini"

St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says, "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men'!"

There were these three nuns that were killed in a traffic accident, and immediately sent to the Pearly Gates. As St. Peter was looking over their files, he said, "You ladies have been very good, but before I can let you in, you have to answer a question."

So he asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first man that God created?"

"Adam," she replied. The lights started flashing, music started playing, the angels started singing, and then two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates.

Then St.Peter asked the second nun, "What was the name of the name of the first woman that God created?"

"Eve," the nun said. And the lights started and two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates.

Then St. Peter asked the third nun, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"

The nun, clearly confused, started scratching her head, and replied, "Gee, that`s a hard one." And the lights started flashing, the music started playing......

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?"

Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn`t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question.

His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she`ll float to heaven."

Johnny thinks that`s neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnny`s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy`s dying!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy`s dying?"

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy`s balloons and she`s screaming `Oh God, I`m coming!"

A teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Joe, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

After some thought Joe proudly replied, "Monday."

"Great, that has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Kelly instead.

"OK Kelly, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Kelly.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says, "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."

　　

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, they found a bull and cow mating.

Grandpa explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."

A little later on, they saw horses, also in the process of mating.

Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."

That night, at supper, after everyone was seated, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

There were three men and a woman who all died and met with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

The first man steps up to St. Peter and St. Peter asks, "What do you want?"

The man says "I want to come into heaven."

So St. Peter checks his list and says, "Well, you can't because when you were alive all you wanted was money. Money, money, money. You were so fond of money that you even married a girl named Penny!"

So the first man left and the second man stepped up and St. Peter said, "What do you want?"

The second man replied, "I want to come into heaven."

So St. Peter checks his list and says, "Well, you can't because when you were alive all you did was drink. Drink, drink, drink. You were so fond of drinking that you even married a girl named Brandy!"

So the second man left but before St. Peter could ask the third man what he wanted, the third man says to the woman who died with him, his wife, "Well, let's go Fanny."

　　

Lisa, an Italian woman was extremely religious. When she was married, she refused to use contraception because she felt that birth control was going against God’s will. She and her husband had 17 kids. Lisa’s husband got sick and passed away.

As time went by, she moved on with her life and married another man. Again, she refused to use contraception because of her religious beliefs. She and her second husband have 15 kids.

Again, Lisa lost her husband. But soon after her husband’s death, she passed away as well. At the ceremony the priest looked down at the coffin, then looked up at the sky and said, "They’re finally together."

This confused one of the family members at the service and after the ceremony, asked the priest about it.

"Father," he starts, "back at the cemetery when you said, 'They’re finally together', did you mean Lisa and her first husband, or Lisa and her second husband?

The father takes a long look at him and says, “I was talking about her legs.”

　　

A man in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are Bullies!"

A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I move to STRIKE!"

The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy responded "No, I'm a BULLY!"

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"

"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"NO, no. I just can't."

"Pleeeeease?..."

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

A group of sister from a local convent were out for their Sunday bike ride through the suburbs. They were quite a site, seven in a row on one of those seven seater tandem bikes, headed, of course by mother superior.

They went over a speed bump. In unison, they all let out an excited "OOOOOOOOO!'

The mother superior turned around and looked at them sternly.

She admonished the nuns, "Sisters, you must quiet down".

They went over another bump, "OOOOOOO"

The mother superior turned around and warned "Sisters, please!' Your making a spectacle out of us."

And another bump, "OOOOOO"

The mother superior turned around and gruffly said, "Sisters, this is your last warning. One more OOOOOO out of any of you and we are going to have to put the seats back on."

　　

One Sunday, the minister noticed that one of the deacons discretely removed a $20 bill from the collection plate.

He decided not to say anything, figuring the man surely had good reason for the theft. However, the deacon continued this practice whenever a $20 bill was easily accessible.

Finally, the deacon began to recklessly rifle the plate for any bills totaling $20. The minister could not remain silent.

After service one Sunday, the minister privately asked the deacon, "Brother, why are you taking $20 from the collection plate almost every Sunday?"

The deacon looked the minister square in the face and replied simply, "For a blow job, Reverend."

The minister was not familiar with the term, but not wanting to appear stupid, said "I see."

After saying grace over the midday meal the minister, while serving his plate, casually asked his wife "What`s a blow job, Dear?"

"Twenty bucks", she answered.

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost."

"What do you mean almost?" question the priest.

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You`re not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary`s and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn`t put any money in the poor box!"

"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it`s the same as putting it in!"

　　

There men who died the same day were presented before God. The almighty showed particular interest in their sex life.

The first one replied that he never had an affair before or after he was married. God granted him a chauffeur-driven Cadillac.

The second man admitted he had some affairs before he was married but none afterwards. God gave him an Ambassador car.

The third man confessed to having had lots of affairs. God gave him a scooter.

A few days later the man with the scooter saw the fellow with the chauffeur-driven Cadillac sitting by the roadside and crying. The scooterist asked him why was he upset.

Replied the Cadillac owner, "I`ve just seen my wife ride past on a bicycle."

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let`s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "Who said `Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Toshiba, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba`s classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I`m gonna throw up."

Teacher says "Who said that?"

Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Well suck my ----!"

Once again, it`s Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka."

Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

This goes on for the next few nights. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.

This was your Grandma`s idea!"

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit He went into a showroom and when asked by a sweet young woman if She could help him answered, "Yes ma'am. You see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."

Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"

"Yes, sir ... what size?"

"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."

"Wow ... that's really big."

"Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How's about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 ... double D."

"Wow ... that's really big!" "Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"

"Well ... I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes, sir ... what size?"

"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.

"Wow ... that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew... is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

Well, the sweet woman tallied up his bill and as the Texan was counting out his money ... she asked, "Sir could I ask you a... well, a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is ... and the answer is....... 4 inches."

She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across, ma'am?"

A guy was standing in the elevator and a big black guy walks in. as the door shuts he looks at the shorter man and says "7 foot 6 inches 350lbs 3 lbs right ball 3 lbs left ball 7 inch dick names Turner Brown" the shorter man faints right there on the floor out cold.

About 2 to 3 minutes later he finally comes to and looks at the black guy and asks "can you repeat what you said?" " 7 foot 6 inches, 350lbs, 3lbs right ball, 3lbs left ball, 7 inch dick, names Turner Brown" the little guy sighs and says

"Thank god! ! ! ! ! I thought you said turn around"

　

There`s a queue of nuns waiting to go into heaven and St. Peter is at the front of the queue with a bowl of holy water.

He says to the first nun; "Have you ever had contact with a man`s penis?" The nun replies, "Only with the tip of my finger."

"Then stick it in the holy water and pass into heaven", replies St.Peter.

The next nun admits that`s she`s held a penis with her right hand.

"Then dip your whole hand in the water and you may pass through", replies Saint Peter.

Suddenly there`s some pushing in the queue and Sister Joan appears at the front of the queue. "There`s no rush", says St. Peter. "You`ll all get in, it`ll just take a little time." he adds.

"Well St. Peter", replies Sister Joan, "if I`m going to have to gargle that water I want to do it before Sister Helen sticks her arse in it!"

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father."

"In fact, I don`t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree."

"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, father."

"I have never seen a woman`s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don`t see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, sister?"

"I have never seen a man`s penis. Could I see yours?"

"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?"

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true, father?"

"Yes, it is, sister."

"Then why don`t you stick it up that camel`s ass and lets get the hell out of here."

　

A priest had lost a cock (hen variety) and didn`t know where to find it...

So at the sermon next day he queried Has anybody got the cock ?

All the men stood up...

No no i mean has anybody seen the cock?

All the women folk stood up...

No no i mean has anybody seen my cock?

All the nuns stood up

　　

There was this young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional box, she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The Priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Well, last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me SEVEN times."

The priest sighed, thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and then drink it..."

The young woman asked confusingly, "Father, will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said "No, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."

Three men, a Jewish man, a Catholic man, and a Mormon man, were having drinks at the bar following a business meeting.

The Jewish man, bragging about his virility, said, `I have four sons. One more and I`ll have a basketball team!`

The Catholic man pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, `That`s nothing, boy. I have 10 sons. One more and I`ll have a football team.`

To which the Mormon man replied,

`You fellas ain`t got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I`ll have a golf course!`

　　

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

　　

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can et a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said,

"To your house."

　　

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

　　

A couple got married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he said. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said.

"Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're home or not."

　　

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini

The bartender says "What a coincidence, The only other person at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis".

After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says, "Isn`t it a coincidence that we are both having the same drink".

She replies "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying, I am finally pregnant!"

"What a coincidence" the man replied. "I am also celebrating. After years of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored chicken."

At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?"

"I had to try a lot of different cocks" he said.

The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!!"

　　

A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her.

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you!" the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

"I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies.

And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."

The lady replied, "It's my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!"

In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married.

After the marriage Friday came. They went to the Mikva. Then home to prepare to light the candles.

The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the Mikva and before lighting he candles, it's a mitzvahs to have sex."

So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex."

So they did. They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's a mitzvahs to have sex." So they did. After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvahs to have sex."

So they did. On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, "So how is the new husband?"

She replies, "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that`s a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It`s a condom.."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.

The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don`t big planes have baby planes?

The mother (who couldn t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don`t big planes have baby planes?

The stewardess asked, Did your mother tell you to ask me?

He said that his mother had.

So the stewardess said, Tell your mother that its because Southwest always pulls out on time.

　　

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Super Market," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

　　

The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same, sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee, the night we were married."

"That`s right." she replied, "And do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?"

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I`m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!"

She giggles and says, "Yes, that was it. That was exactly what you said. And now it`s 50 years later, I`m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again, he looks up at her and looks her up and down and says,

"Mission Accomplished."

　　

Three sports fans were sitting in a bar talking about their children.

"I have 5 boys," said the first guy. "I could start my own basketball team."

"I have 9 boys," said the second guy. "I could start my own baseball team."

"I have 18 girls," said the third guy. "I could start a golf course."

A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.

He then says, "I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she’s up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn’t there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I’ve got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

A man who hadn’t had a date in years, suddenly found himself in luck. This sexy, voluptuous brunette had agreed to go to the movies with him Friday night. But he was in a panic because his dick was only 3 inches long when erect, and if he ever scored with this beautiful woman, she would probably laugh at him and walk out the door. So ... he went to his doctor and pleaded with him to give him something. The doc said take one of these pills every two hours and everything will be fine. Just before he was going to leave the house to pick up his date, he decided to take all ten pills at once because he was so desperate. Within minutes, he felt his penis go down his pants leg and onto the floor! What was he going to do?! A quick thinker, he tied his penis as a necktie and put on a sportcoat. While in the dark theater, his hot date cuddled up next to him and started stroking his tie. While she was doing this she kept saying over and over, "I love your tie! I love your tie!" It wasn’t long before a man ’s voice came over the speaker system shouting, "Will the couple in the front row quit throwing ice cream on the screen?!?!"

One day there was a poor little girl. Her mother didn’t have any money to buy her underwear. One day the little girl was wearing a little dress and playing up in a tree. A priest walked by and looked up, concerned he called the little girl down and said: "Little girl take this $100 and go buy you some new underwear and a pretty dress."

The little girl ran home and told her mother what happened.

Seizing the opportunity, the next day the mother was up in the tree without any underwear.

The priest walked by and called her down and said:

"Here’s $2 go and buy yourself some razors!"

A newlywed couple and their families were in court. The judge was questioning the best man about the fight which broke out at the wedding reception a few weeks earlier.

"Your Honour, we were having a wonderful time. Everyone was dancing and celebrating. As you know, it's traditional for the best man to have a dance with the bride. And that's exactly what I was doing when the fight broke out. After our first dance, the music continued, so I danced with her during the second song. After that, the music still continued, so I danced with her during the third song. That's when the groom jumped over the tables and gave the bride a powerful kick in the crotch and a couple of punches to her breasts."

"Wow, that must've been very painful." said the judge.

"You bet it was painful!" replied the best man. "It broke six of my fingers and gave me a fat lip!"

A salesman checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He was single so he got to thinking about some female company. So, he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone books from one of the "escort" services. He picked a number and dialed it.

A woman answered, "Hello?"

"Hi, I hear you do escorts and massages and I'd like you to come to my hotel my room number is 8888 and give me a massage. And after that I want sex! In fact I want jungle sex . . . wild, crazy hanging-from-the-chandelier type sex! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it!

Bring all kinds of sex toys too! I don't care what they are, you can use them on me! You can even tie me up and then cover me in whipped cream!

Now how does that sound?" he asked.

The woman said, "Interesting sir, but for an outside line you press 9."

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I`m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I`ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be Okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his fiancée.

They marry and on their honeymoon night in the hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he`d ever seen them.

She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts. "

He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it`s still in the CRATE!"

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what`s your excuse?"

　　

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

A furious pounding in a hotel room late at night awakened a number of guests.

The hotel manager was called, and he let himself into the room.

Inside, he found an elderly man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists.

"Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole hotel."

"Damn the hotel!" the elderly man spat. "It's the first erection I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep."

A man is walking home from work one day, and he sees a new ice cream shop on the street. Since it is a hot day, he goes in.

"Aftenoon dear, what flavours of ice cream do you sell?"

"Oh we sell every flavour. Even ones you have never heard of. You name it, we sell it!" the shopkeeper replies.

Deciding to test this claim, he asks for a Fish flavoured Ice cream, to which he is presented with exactly that, a definite fish flavour, yet still nice. Amazed, he walks home eating his Fish Flavoured Ice Cream!

The next day the man passes the shop again and cant resist going in again.

"Afternoon dear, I'll have a curried egg flavour ice cream please," says the man.

"Right you are," replies the shopkeeper.

The shopkeeper turns around, picks up a cone and fills it with ice cream. Handing it back to the man he says, "Try that."

The man tastes its and replies, "That's incredible, it tastes just like curried egg."

The man goes home and thinks all night of a flavour the shopkeeper will not be able to reproduce. So the next day the man goes into the shop again.

"Hi, today I want a pussy juice flavoured ice cream please" says the man.

"Right you are," replies the shopkeeper.

The shopkeeper turns around, picks up a cone and fills it with ice cream. Handing it back to the man he says, "Try that."

The man tastes its and replies, "Yuk, that's terrible, it tastes just like shit."

The shop keeper replies, "Try again, but this time take shorter licks."

　　

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I will show you my thighs,"

and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit hot and excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then---------

The girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!"

A man walked into the ladies department of Macy`s and shyly said to the woman at the counter, "I`d like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, and color imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now befuddled again, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, "It is really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,

And Then........

The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."

A very big Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma`am. Ya see, I`m from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma`am, how about a suit?"

"Yes sir. What size?"

"Size 53 tall, ma`am."

"Wow, that`s really big."

"Yes ma`am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What`s next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 double E."

"Wow, that`s really big!"

"Yes ma`am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What`s next?"

"Well, I reckon I`ll need a shirt."

"Yes sir. What size?"

"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.

"Wow, that`s really big!"

"Yes ma`am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes ma`am. I spect I`ll need a hat."

"Yes sir. What size?"

"Eight and five-eighths."

"Wow, that`s really big!"

"Yes ma`am. They really grow them big in Texas."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma`am , I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes ma`am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma`am?"

　　

A man, very much on the make for his secretary, wined her and dined her. He finally succeeded in getting her to his apartment, where he whispered sweet promises into her ear while he began to unbutton her blouse.

"If we get together," he said, "a fur coat...perhaps a trip to Europe."

The secretary nodded a cheerful agreement, and soon the two were locked in intercourse. Later, while dressing, she asked him when she could get the fur coat he'd promised.

"What fur coat?" he asked.

"You promised me a fur coat," she said.

"When I'm horny I'll promise anything," he said. Putting one hand on his heart and one on his penis, he added, "When he's soft, he's hard. When he's hard, he's soft."

　　

As a "thank you" to his father's estate workers, the eldest son would dress up as Father Christmas each year and visit every house with a sackful of toys. This year, he arrived at the third house and tiptoed into the bedroom„ only to be confronted by a beautiful young woman who sat up in bed when she heard his footsteps.

"Oh, Im so sorry," said Father Christmas. "I thought this was Bobby's room."

"No, he's next door," she whispered. "But don't go, stay a while," and with that she dropped the sheet to reveal a see-through nightie.

"No, no," said Father Christmas blushing, "I've got a busy night ahead of me."

"Oh, come on," she urged, slowly disrobing. "A few more minutes won't make that much difference."

"I'm sorry I can't," he replied, now feeling very hot under the collar.

"Oh please," she said, jumping naked out of bed.

"Oh bugger it!" he exclaimed, putting down the sack of toys.

"I wouldn't get back up the chimney like this anyway."

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says,"Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world? "I`m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pouncing the floor,tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting...........

"Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"

　　

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her,

cuddle her,

kiss her,

caress her,

love her,

stroke her,

tease her,

comfort her,

protect her,

hug her,

hold her,

spend money on her,

wine & dine her,

listen to her,

care for her,

stand by her,

support her,

go to the ends of the earth for her....

　　

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked. Bring beer.

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited."

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."

The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life!"

Wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?" He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."

She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?" He replies, "We`ve spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I`m not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?"

and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it`s going to last a long time, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

and he says, "Oh no, she`s left handed."

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first one says, "My answer is, there is no answer."

The second one says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The THIRD one says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.

HE GOT THE JOB!!!

　　

One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night," the man comments.

Billy in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples over for our annivesary bash and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The guy thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Billy continues between hung over gasps, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The guy laughs and says, "Damn I'm sorry I missed that."

Billy responds, "But your name was guessed four or five times."

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's Right!!", said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"

This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu.

A few minutes later the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy if he knew what he wanted.

The guy says, "I'd like a quickie." The waitress flushes and says, "That's not funny. Now, what would you like to order."

The guys says, "I'd really like a quickie."

The waitress angrily storms off after this.

Another customer overheard the conversation. He leans over and says to the guy, "I think that it's pronounced quiche..."

　　

While teaching a course in human sexuality, a lecturer was discussing the results published in a recent report.

Her pupils gasped aloud when she explained that one woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

A young male student inquired: "Wow, that's great!!! Who was she?"

A female student replied: "Never mind that, where is HE?"

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her and began to feel humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat, and he seemed more amused.

She moved again, and then on her fourth move, he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: "When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn`t help noticing she was pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement that read, "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins."

Then she moved under a sign that read, "Sloan`s Liniments remove swelling."

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement that read, "William`s Stick Did the Trick."

Then I could not control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement that read,

"Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident."

The case was dismissed.

　　

After dinner and a movie, Joe drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car in a hurry, and ran home.

Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On their next date, Joe returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Joe slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home.

Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn't get home until very late.

That night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."

　　

A husband unexpectedly came while a doctor was attending his sick wife and found them in bed together.

"What the devil`s going on here?"

"Er- I am taking your wife`s temperature!"

"All right, but that thing better have numbers on it when you take it out."

A 18-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.

Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."

So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.

She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again; a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.

"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.

After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Blaine!

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor`s office. "We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that pulled curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it`s my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man`s genitals through his wallet. ~Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. ~Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. ~Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you`re right! I never would`ve thought of that!" ~Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. ~Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don`t know how I lost it. I don`t know when I lost it. I don`t think I ever had it. But I`ve seen the boss`s job and I don`t want it. ~Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the WonderBra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women`s breasts? ~Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don`t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." ~Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. ~Phyllis Diller

There`s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what`s the problem? ~Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. ~Elayne Boosler

There`s very little advice in men`s magazines, because men don`t think there`s a lot they don`t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I`m doing, just show me somebody naked." ~Jerry Seinfield

If you can`t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. ~George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I`m going to find a woman I don`t like and give her a house. ~Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it`s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of night, drop them off at the wrong house. ~Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. ~Robin Williams

Robert was delighted when he found a woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him.

In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.

All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room.

"Now don't forget, Robert, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Robert turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

Robert was delighted when he found a woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him.

In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.

All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room.

"Now don't forget, Robert, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Robert turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

Every year at the state fair, a guy entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend he wasn't going to bother to enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" his friend asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, the guy grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, as he was passing old Mrs. Smith's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, he rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.

A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, he lost.

The winning number was 707.

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, lets go"

"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first"

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"

Sniff sniff.

"Ah perfume - you think of everything"

"This is great....." (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.

"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations....................... Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman. A year later the woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 9lb 8oz baby boy.

The old man replied, "This old motor is still a' running."

Next year his wife had another baby and the doctor came out and told the man that he was the father of a 8lb 5oz baby girl.

The old man replied, "This old motor is still a' running."

The next year his wife was back in the hospital yet again, having their third child and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 10lb 9oz baby boy.

The old man replied again, "This old motor is still a' running."

And the doctor said, "Yeah but you better get your oil changed because this one is black."

　　

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her Rs 1000 up front, and he gets undressed.

She's about to take off her sheer pink negligee, when the fire alarms rings!

She runs out of the room, with his Rs 1000 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her.

He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her.

By this time, the firemen are there.

He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful girl, in a sheer pink negligee, with 1000 rupees in her hand?"

The fireman says, "No!"

The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her. It's paid for."

The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.

Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.

"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"

　　

A young woman experienced car trouble late one afternoon but luckily, an old man in a tow truck stopped and offered help. Not knowing the area, she asked if he could repair the car.

He agreed to do it and after hoisting the car up on the truck, the two of them took the car back to the old man's garage. He looked at the engine and made an estimate about one hundred dollars more than she could pay at the time.

"Darn. Just one hunderd dollars? If you weren't such an old guy," she said, "I'd fuck you for the remainder of the bill."

"Hell, I'll show you whose old!" the old man retorted. "Take off that dress and get on the car."

She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old man after he dropped his pants. He was hung like a mule!

"Oboy!", she thought. "Not only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs, I'm going to get the hell fucked out of me too."

At that time she noticed the old man placing washers on the base of his dick.

"Hey, what are you doing?" , the woman asked.

"Hell", the old man replied, "You think for just a hundred dollars, you're gonna get all of this?"

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.

He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, "Sure!"

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

"Sure, why?"

"Well you`d better get over there, you are about to cum!"

Paddy and his two friends are talking at work.

His first friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren`t mine."

His second friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn`t mine."

Paddy says:"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.

"Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No I`m serious.The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

　　

Mr Smith hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation she noticed that his fly was open.

On leaving the room she said," Oh, Mr Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?"

He didn`t understand her remark until later on, when he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was unclosed. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary.

Calling her in, he asked," By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing to attention?"

She smiled pleasantly,"Why not, Mr Smith, she replied. "All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Canada, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the morning to you, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees,” replies Tiger.

"Well, what on God's earth are they for?" inquires the attendant.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jeysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford thinks of everything!"

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

　　

Joe and Bob were two very different people and had lived in the same valley for several years. Despite their differences, their relationship was one of amiable cooperation. One day, to reward them for their spirit of coexistence, God decided to pay a visit and reward them for their spirit of brotherly love.

God gathered the two men together and spoke to Joe, "I am very pleased with the cooperative spirit the both of you have demonstrated. Bob because being black in this day and age has proved to be a trying experience, I will reward you with exactly double everything I reward Joe. I am now happy to grant you your 5 fondest wishes."

Joe, after thinking it over, wished he had a 50 room mansion erected on top of the mountain. Sure enough, on top of the eastern mountain, appeared a 50 room mansion. At the same time, for Bob, a 100 room mansion exactly twice the size of Joe's mansion appeared on top of the western mountain.

Joe was very happy and Bob was absolutely elated. Bob informed Joe that they needed food and transportation. Joe agreed and, for his 2nd and 3rd wishes, requested God to fill the pantries with delicious wares and provide him with 10 different cars.

Agreeably, God filled the pantries of both mansions. In the garage of Joe's mansion there appeared 10 different cars. In the garage of Bob's mansion appeared 20 different cars.

Next, Bob prompted Joe about the 4th wish, "Women... we need women!"

Joe, agreeing, asked God to furnish his 4th wish as 50 of the world's sexiest, most beautiful women. Instantly, standing in front of the Joe's mansion were 50 of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world. At the same time, standing in front of Bob's mansion were 100 women, each twice as sexy and attractive as those given to Joe.

Both men were very happy and Bob danced around and exclaimed, "Go, Man! Make more wishes! Make more wishes! Oh, Lordy...this is our lucky day!...Every time you make a wish, I get twice as much...Wish, Man, Wish!"

Thinking the situation over, Joe turned to God and said,

"Okay, for my 5th and final wish, I want you to remove ONE of my testicles!"

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said.

"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed.

"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.

He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."

The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.

When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."

After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

　　

Poor Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

　　

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot.

To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters `BB` tattooed to her Boobs.

The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her ass instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a `B` on each buttock.

When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the art work.

"What do you think?" the wife says.

"Uh, who the hell is BOB?" the husband replies.

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, (somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer; but on he went, in his obnoxious way): "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete prick"

　　

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I`m looking for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker," he said to the bartender.

"We got her," replied the bartender. "She`s upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers.

He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I`m looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don`t replied the hooker.

"But I thought you might want to open those beers first."

　　

At the Senior Citizens` luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right in the boat. When finished the man couldn`t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he`d had in years.

They fished for a while and then continued on down the river when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the old gentleman so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and so here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river and the gentleman asks, "Well, do you want to go up or down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asks, "What`s the deal? Every time yesterday that I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing."

She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn`t have my hearing aid in and I thought you said `fuck or drown`!"

Two lesbians are walking up the street. They see a gorgeous woman who is tall and curvaceous.

1st lesbian: Oh, look how beautiful she is!

2nd: Uhmm, yummy!

1st: Look at her breasts!

2nd: Uhmm

1st: Look at her legs!

2nd: Uhmm

1st: What is this all "Uhmm, uhmm"? Can you say something else?

2nd writes on a piece of paper: "I can’t, my tongue got hard."

　　

Once upon a time, there was an old miner who was traveling through the desert with his trusty mule of many years. All of a sudden, the mule fell over dead. The old man buried his old friend and put up a cross as a grave marker.

He wrote on the cross, "My Ass". Then he continued on his journey.

Years later a town grew nearby the grave. The road into town went right by the marker, so the town adopted the name out of respect for the dead mule.

It had become somewhat of an historical site. Then one day, a traveling salesman, who was lost, wondered into the old desert town, but did not notice the marker. He saw a man on the street and stopped to get directions.

The salesman asked, "Could you please tell me where I am?" "Sure" replied the old man. "You are right on the edge of my ass." The salesman was puzzled by what the man said, so he decided to ask someone else.

He thanked the man and continued to what appeared to be the downtown area. He saw another man walking down the street.

He asked, "Please sir, could you please tell me where I am, I seem to be lost."

The old man promptly replied, "No problem young fella. You are right smack dab in the middle of my ass!"

At this point the salesman decided that everyone in the little town was crazy and decided to leave. On the way out of town he spotted a seafood restaurant.

He had become quite hungry, so he decided to get something to eat before traveling on to the next town.

The waitress walked over and asked, "What will you like to have stranger?"

The man replied, "I think I will have the crab platter."

The waitress replied, "I am sorry sir, we are all out of crabs. "My husband looked all over my ass last night."

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There`s a classified ad where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said.

"Tell me why not."

"Season`s more than half over," he said.

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor, "What`s the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I`m afraid with this heart murmur, you`ll have to give up half your sex life."

Looking perplexed, the old man said,

"Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet`s office. One is a poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane.

The poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?" The Schnauzer responds, "I`m 17 years old. I don`t see or hear very well. I`ve been having accidents in the house. My owner says I`m too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The Schnauzer asks the poodle, "Why are you here?"

The poodle responds, "I`ve not been myself lately. I`ve been especially high strung. I`ve been barking all the time, I`ve been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor`s kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can`t risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here.

The Great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I`m on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn`t help myself. "

The poodle asks, "So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?"

The Great Dane says, "No, I`m just here to get my nails trimmed."

Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn`t like each other much.

In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare ass.

After two hours Bob`s wife came home and asked Bob, "What are you doing?"

Bob explained and she said, "Come on, you will only freeze your ass off."

Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet. Then his wife got an idea.

"Lets change places when Joe is looking the other way."

Bob`s Wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and traded places with Bob. Half an hour later Joe`s wife came home and asked him,

"What are you doing?"

Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!"

"You are crazy. Come on in."

"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"

7 Kinds of sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex …This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are bule in the face

The 2nd kind of sex is call Kitchen Sex …This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere,even in the kitchen

The 3rd kind of sex is called Bedrrom Sex..This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom

The 4th kind of sex is called Hallway Sex…This is when you have been with your parner for too long, When you pass each other in the hallway you both say screw you

The 5th kind of sex is called Religious Sex…Which means you get Nun in the morning,Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind of sex is called Courtroom Sex…This is when you cant stand your wife anymore,she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called Social Security Sex…you get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME, WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN…I have enough problems of my own

　　

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart`s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart`s younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love, Hollingsworth

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a `little fur showing."

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, ’A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ’What’s yours?’

’I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. ’That will be $9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ’A hamburger, fries and a coke.’

The ostrich says, ’I’ll have the same.’ Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. ’The usual?’ asks the waitress.

’No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.

’Same,’ says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ’That will be $32.62.’ Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ’Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’

’Well,’ says the man, ’several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’

’That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ’Most people would ask for a million dollars or something but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’

’That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man.

The waitress asks, ’What’s with the ostrich?’

The man sighs, pauses and answers,

’My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.’

A newly wed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I’ll be right back... "

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer. "

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face ?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious...I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?"

She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey... At the bar... You know... there’s swearing, dirty words and all that ..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie pie?... LISTEN UP, ****HEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN’T GOING NYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?" ....

Harry comes home from work and his wife is in the kitchen on all fours, wearing nothing but her bathrobe, scrubbing the kitchen floor.

He comes up behind her, lifts up her robe, fxxks her fast and hard doggie-style, and then........ smacks her in the head.

She screams, "Harry! I let you do something so nice like that! What`d you hit me for?"

He says, "For not looking to see who it was!"

A little kid of 6 sees two dogs humping in the back garden of his house.

"Dad, what are those two dogs doing?" He inquires.

His dad fumbles with a lame explanation. "Well, the doggies on the back has broken his front legs and the other dogies giving him a lift."

The kid looks for a second and replies

"Typical that. Try to help someone out and you end up getting fxxked in the axs."

Little Johnny is lying in his bed one night and just can`t get to sleep. He decides to go to his parent`s room to go chat to them. Upon entering their room, he sees their blankets going up-and-down.

Johnny:" Mommy, daddy, what are you doing?"

Parents:" We are playing cards, now GET OUT!"

So Johnny decides to go into hisgrandparent`s room, only to find the blankets going up-and-down.

Johnny:" Granny, Grandpa, what are you doing?" Grandpa:" Get out! We are playing cards!"

Feeling rejected, Johnny goes back to his own room and gets back into bed. A while later both his parents, and grandparents feel bad for yelling at him so decide to go and apologize.

Upon entering his room, they see the blankets going up-and-down.

"Johnny! What are you doing??!!"

Johnny:"I`m playing cards."

Grandpa:" But who`s your partner?"

Johnny: "With a hand like this, who needs a partner?"

　　

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don’t you drive it away."

"We can’t drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a car here we’d get crewed... so we’re just waiting."

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknown to him, his brother John`s wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I`m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:

"Hell no! Fact is I`m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn`t very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle...".

The old woman fainted.

　　

The teacher in Johnny’s school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

"Mary, what does your parents do?"

Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse."

"That’s very nice," said the teacher. "Robert, what do your parents do?"

Robert proudly exclaimed, "My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"

"That’s very nice," said the teacher, "Johnny, what do your parents do?"

He stood up and pronounced, "My dad’s dead and my mom’s a hooker."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office. 15 minutes later, he returned.

"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher.

Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important he gave me a chocolate bar and asked for my home phone number."

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.

When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?"

The other answered: "Yeah! It`s probably because they have toys to play with!"

After less than a year of marriage, this lady was becoming more and more frustrated. Her husband worked very long hours and was no longer interested in Bonking. Plucking up her courage, and with a few stiff drinks inside her, she visited a sex shop.

"Hello, I’m very embarrassed about this. My husband doesn’t make love to me. You sell ’Sex Dolls’, I’m here because I’m interested in buying one. You know ... one with a BIG Dick - for me."

The shop assistant was taken aback. In front of him was a lady - about 22 years old, 38 DD bust and a figure he would have crawled over a kilometer of broken glass to buy a coffee for.

"Well Miss - or Madam," he took another breath. "Frankly, we don’t get much call for that sort of thing. However, we do have three models in the back room."

Jane looked him directly in the eye and smiled, "Tell me about them!"

"Well," the man replied, "I’m sure you won’t like our first model. It’s called ’The Soccer Player’. Don’t get me wrong; it’s very nice. Powerful legs, cute butt - but it does tend to ’dribble’ a lot."

Jane wasn’t exactly delighted about this, "Well, No. Not interested in that! What else you’ve you got?"

"Well, " came the reply, "We also have The Aussie Cricketer. Listen, I must be fair with you. This is a great model, big ... well, Ummm huge, in the right places, but ... "

"Yes !?!" gulped Jane, with eyes like dinner plates.

"Once it’s in - It’s almost impossible to get it out. Frankly, we’ve only sold two of these in the last four years"

"Don’t want THAT," replied Jane. "You said you have three models. What’s left?"

"I hesitate to even talk about this," answered the shop assistant. "It’s called ’The Santa Claus’ Model."

"What do you mean, The Santa Claus model?" replied Jane.

"Well," answered the shop assistant. He took a deep breath. "This model only comes once a year and when it does - it fills up BOTH your stockings !"

　　

A horny young man went to a brothel. The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

Lady - "On the first floor, we have the ex-models, they are all slinky and sexy. On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses, they are all buxom and beautiful. On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers, they..."

Man - "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor !"

Lady- "Are you sure... I`m surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses..."

Man- "It`s obvious, ma`am... teachers always make you do something over and over again... until you`re perfect at it !!"

　　

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute.

He was told to go to 225 E West Street. By mistake, he went to 225 W East Street, the office of a podiatrist.

Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered.

Finally the doctor’s assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness", she exclaimed, " I was expecting to see a foot."

"Well," he said, "if you’re going to complain about a couple of inches, then I’ll take my business elsewhere!"

A man comes home after a heavy night`s drinking. His wife won`t open the door for him, so he starts hammering on it. She still won`t let him in, so he starts shouting.

The neighbors are starting to notice, so in an attempt to embarrass her, he starts singing at the top of his voice:

"I had her before she was married, I had her before she was married!"

The top window immediately flies open, and his wife responds with equal gusto:

"And so did all of your mates!"

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties.

The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman that says, "Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.

Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."

　　

The Acme Company was trying to sell its new computerized crystal ball to a major marketing executive. But as expected, the executive was quite skeptical.

The Acme sales rep told the executive, `Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball.`

The executive typed, `Where is my father?`

The crystal ball bleeped and blooped for a short while, and then came back with `Your father is fishing in Michigan.`

The executive said to the sales rep, `You see? I knew this was BS. My father`s been dead for twenty years.`

`Hmmmm. Try asking the question in a different way.`

This time the executive typed, `Where is my mother`s husband?`

The crystal ball came back with an answer, even more quickly this time than before.

`Your mother`s husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout.`

　　

There’s a generation of "working" ladies of the night sat round a dinning table, when a mother says to her daughter “Anyway love, how much do you charge for a blow job these days?"

The daughter replies “Oh about $30”.

To which the mother responds, “Hey that’s not bad, when I was a working girl in the early seventies, I only earned $15 for a blow job”.

Then the girls Grandma says, “In the fifties I only got $5 dollars for a blow- job”.

To which the girl smiles politely.

Then her great grandma pipes up,

“In the thirties when times where hard and poverty stricken, and nobody had any money, we did it for nothing we where just grateful for the warm drink”.

A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters.

She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering.

The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."

Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."

He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."

The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?"

He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach."

　　

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things."

But my wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she’d make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.

A husband and wife are having a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads,

’Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.’"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads,

’Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.’"

　　

Husband: Honey, when I die, will you marry again?

Wife: I am afraid I will. You know how much I hate solitude.

Husband: Will you let him drive my car?

Wife: Well, I think so.

Husband: Will you let him sit in my favorite chair?

Wife: Maybe.

Husband: Will you let him have my gold watch?

Wife: Maybe.

Husband: Will you let him wear my nice suits?

Wife: No, It will be too big for him.

　　

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"

A man is in a horrible accident that is so bad that he loses his ’manhood’... He goes to a doctor.

"Erm..." the doc says,"I can give you a new penis, a small is $8,000, a medium is $11,000, and a large is $14,000."

"I’ll take a large!" the man says.

"You should really consult with your wife first." the doc says.

The man goes home and the next day he comes back in. The doc says "Hello, have you made a decision?"

"No, my wife would rather remodel the kitchen."

Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and took his wife upstairs for sex. Just when they were really getting into it, their young son entered the room and started to cry.

"What`s wrong, son? Why are you crying?", the father asked.

"You`re hurting my mommy," the little boy replied.

"No, no," the father reassured. "I`m not hurting her. We are making babies."

This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room, the couple went back to their business.

The next day the father came home from work and found his son, on the steps, crying.

"What`s the matter today?" asked Dad.

"It`s those babies you were making with mommy yesterday," the boy answered.

"The mailman ate them today."

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church.

The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad.

The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked,

"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man.

"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We`re not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either..."

Three ladies were being interviewed for the position of an airline hostess. The interviewer posed the following question.

"The plane you are on is filled with a troop-load of soldiers who have been away from civilization for the last few months. It crashes on a deserted island and you are the only female survivor. What do you do?"

"Well," replied the English lady, "I would expect all of the men to act like gentlemen."

"I," stated the American "would expect the commander to take control of his men."

The girl from France responded: "What is the problem?"

This guy mat a girl at the bar one night, after few rounds beer,they get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of Teddy bears, especially one that`s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others Clothes off and make love.

After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,

"Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He’s fantastic in bed." That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I’ve heard that you’re fantastic in bed." That’s Brand Recognition.

　　

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town.

The column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend.

He said, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

　　

Maria and Julie, two widows, are talking:

Maria, "That nice Mr Roberts asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Julie, "Well.... I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a gentleman he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there, but such a beautiful car.....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....Marvelous dinner. Then we go to see a show....let me tell you Maria, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So, then we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL he turns! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Maria: "Oh no!...so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?"

Julie: "No... I’m just saying, wear an old dress."

　　

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.

"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.

"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women’s vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."

"I don’t think we can give you a loan." he replied.

So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.

The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."

"Nah, that didn’t go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."

"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"

"Give me a peach and I’ll show you."

　　

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $50,000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $50,000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $50,000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

　　

There were three people sitting on the roof, an intelligent man, Santa Claus and a woman. One of them falls of the roof, which one is it?

Answer: The woman, because the other two don’t exist!

　　

A young man walks into a bar and notices two lovley young blonde women sitting down.

He tells the bartender, "I’d like to buy those two ladies a drink."

The bartender gives him a funny look and answers, "I’m not so sure that is a good idea. You see they’re lesbians."

"Sorry Mr. Bartender, but I don’t know what you’re talking about."

So the bartender responded, "Why don’t you go over there and ask them?"

The young man walked over to the women and asked, "I hear you are lesbians, what does that mean?"

One answered politely, "Well, we like to kiss, suck each other’s tits and Puxxies...."

The young man said " me too" then yells to the bartender, "Hey get us three drinks here for us lesbians!"

　　

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

"Sarah wants to go out to my car. She’s really hot," one boy said. "I’m really nervous. I know I’ll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You’ll have her in the palm of your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn’t you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that’s when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I paid her another compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large snatch, it sure doesn’t stink much."

　　

A man walks into this whore house to get a woman but doesn`t know what he wants.

The woman at the counter tells the man to go outside to where this fence is and in this fence are some holes.

She instructs him to stick his dick into each of the holes and then to make a choice.

He sticks his dick into the first hole and he gets his dick sucked. He sticks his dick into the second hole and he gets jerked off. He sticks his dick into the third hole and he feels it slip into some chicks pussy.

After he finishes he walks back inside to the woman at the counter. She asks him what woman he wants.

The man says, "Forget the women. I want 30 yards of that fence."

　　

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The managers is betting every dock worker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.

Bets are made, and they agree that they’ll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock. The guy drops his pants and starts.

True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50. 51. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............

...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.

The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don’t understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"

　　

A little girl asks her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Her mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."

"What`s that mean?" asks the child. "Go ask your father. I think he`s in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you."

Her dad says, "Bring Susie over here."

He takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, and scrubs the dog`s behind with it and says, "OK, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block.

The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Her dad says, "Where`s Susie?"

The little girl replies, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block, and there`s another dog pushing her home."

　　

Johnny is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, he manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Johnny to the doctor.

After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives’ tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."

The next morning Johnny jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

"Mom!" Johnny yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."

"I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."

For years the old rooster had ruled the farm, but lately things weren`t quite right. Fewer chicks were being born and so the farmer decided the bird was past its best and bought a new young strapping rooster to replace him.

The old rooster was mad at this newcomers introduction and was determined not to give up without a fight. He challenged the young rooster to a 3-lap race of the yard.

"Ok, you`re on!" said the youngster. "I can outrun you any day of the week."

"If you`re so confident," replied the old timer, "you won`t mind giving me a head start."

"Fair enough, you can have a half-lap start. But I`ll still beat you."

The race began with the old rooster being hotly pursued by the younger rival. On hearing all the commotion, the farmer rushed into the barn and on seeing the roosters, picked up his shotgun and shot the young bird dead.

"Damn it," groaned the farmer, "that`s the third gay rooster I`ve bought this month..."

　　

Three Mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth and then bench press it 100 times."

The Second Mouse looking unimpressed, orders two shots of tequila, grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, grind it up and take it home and put in my coffee in the morning and I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first and second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says,

"I have no time for all this bullshit, I gotta go home and screw the Cat."

Guys were sitting around a bar talking about things they bet on. A woman down at the end of the bar says, "I bet on things!"

The bartender says, "Oh Yeah! What do you bet on?"

Woman, "Most anything."

Bartender, "Like what for instance?"

Woman, "See that wall over there? I bet I can pee higher on that wall than you can!"

Bartender, (Thinks about this for a minute) "I’ll take that bet! How much do you want to bet?"

Woman, "You name your poison."

Bartender, "I’ll bet you a thousand bucks."

Woman, "Ok!"

Bartender, "Ladies first."

Woman, Pulls up her dress, pulls down her panties, leans back and pees.

"Your turn," she replies.

Bartender, Unzips his pants gets his sure tool out; gets ready to pee.

Woman, "Hey.... NO HANDS!"

This guys walks into a bar and the bartender immediately notices how depressed this guy is.

"Give me a beer", said the guy.

"Sure thing," said the bartender, "by the way, why the long face?

"I just found out my oldest son is gay", replied the guy.

The next day the same guy walks back into the bar and orders a beer and a few shots of whiskey.

"Whats wrong now?", asked the bartender noticing he is twice as depressed as the day before.

"I just found out my youngest son is gay too."

The next day the same guy walks in with tears pouring out of his eyes.

"God doesn`t anyone in your house like puxxy?", asked the bartender.

The guy said, "Yeah, my wife!"

Joe is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy bartender. He slapped a ten on the table and says, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."

She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet. Joe took his glass eye out placed it beside the glass and went to the bathroom.

"Betcha I can bite my own ear," Joe challenged. The bet was accepted and he took out his false teeth & nipped his ear. Once more he scooped up the money.

"Okay," he said, "I’ll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won’t feel a thing."

Now that was one thing she knew about so she accepted the bet. Joe lifted her skirt & away they went.

"I can feel you," she cried.

"Oh well," Joe said, "You win some, you lose some !!"

This guys walks into a bar and the bartender immediately notices how depressed this guy is.

"Give me a beer", said the guy.

"Sure thing," said the bartender, "by the way, why the long face?

"I just found out my oldest son is gay", replied the guy.

The next day the same guy walks back into the bar and orders a beer and a few shots of whiskey.

"Whats wrong now?", asked the bartender noticing he is twice as depressed as the day before.

"I just found out my youngest son is gay too."

The next day the same guy walks in with tears pouring out of his eyes.

"God doesn`t anyone in your house like puxxy?", asked the bartender.

The guy said, "Yeah, my wife!"

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on the creature`s rather hideous appearance.

Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"

Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."

Princess: "Well I`ve seen frogs with spells, but none as ugly as you."

Frog: "Look, leave me alone lady. I told you, it`s a really bad spell."

Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?"

Frog: "I don`t know lady, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job."

　　

Jerry Falwell (a minister) was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, "Ma`am, I`d rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

"I`m sorry, I didn`t know there was a choice. I`ll have the same thing he`s having".

Two girls were in the locker room geting dress together. So one girl asked her mate, "How come you have very little pubic hair on your p*ssy?"

The other girl replied with this question................

"Hey, have you ever seen tall grass on a busy road?"

Pamela Anderson and the Queen of England die on the same day. As they are approaching the gates of heaven, God tells them that there is only ONE spot left. Knowing this, Pamela decides to seduce God by showing her bare breasts. God looks at them and says, "Very nice." "Does that mean I’m in?" says Pamela. God looks over to his side and sees the Queen of England douching in the corner. He looks back at Pamela and says, "Sorry, a royal flush always beats a pair."

The Real Story

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.

Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.

Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her.

She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.

She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.

She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits

　　

A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I’m gonna make your nipples hard."

She says, "Oh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass."

He says, "And then I’m gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down."

She says, "That’s it, I’m gonna go home and tell my husband, and he’s gonna kick your ass real good."

She goes home to her husband and says, "A guy at the bar told me he was gonna make my nipples hard."

He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk out the door.

She grabs him by the arm, and says, "He also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down."

Her husband turns around and walks back into the house.

She yells, "Where are you going?"

He says, "I ain’t fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer."

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky and starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?"

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro’s Army."

The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him; the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?"

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro’s Army."

The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves. The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?"

The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro’s Army."

The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

A man walks into a bar and the bartender said "Hey John, how about a beer."

John replies "Yeah I’ll take one, but call me Lucky."

"Why call you Lucky?"

"Well, I was changing a flat tire on the highway, when I realized I had forgotten something in the car. Right after I walked away, a semi drives by and knocked the car off the jack. It would have landed right on me."

"Boy! You are lucky."

The next day John walks back into the bar and the bartender said, "Hey Lucky, how about a beer."

"Yeah I’ll take one, but call me Lucky, LUCKY today."

"Now what happened?"

"Well, me and my old lady were having sex last night, when the guy downstairs got mad, because of all the noise and shot his gun off. The bullet got me right in the nuts."

"Wait a minute, how is that Lucky?"

"A minute earlier he would have got me right between the eyes".

A Man walks home from a long day at work only to get hit in the head with a frying pan by his wife.

In a Few hours, the man comes to, and he asks his wife, "What the f*ck was that all about?!"

His wife says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket that said Debbie with a phone number!"

The man explains" honey, that was my racehorse, Debbie! I went to the track yesterday and bet on her!"

The man’s wife apologizes sincerely.

The next day, the man comes home from work to get a lamp broken on his head.

He says "what the f*ck was that for?!"

His wife says, "Your racehorse called!!!!!"

　　

A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar.

The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink.

Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.

After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.

The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?"

The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had."

The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"

The mouse replied, "Hey, between the kissing and the screwing I must have run 10 miles!"

　　

An old couple were traveling down the street in a during crazy rain storm.

All of a sudden the car hits a bump and the woman screams to her husband to stop the car.

The woman gets out to check the damage and sees that her husband ran over a skunk. She picks up the skunk and gets back into the car telling her husband to find the nearest vet.

In the mean time the husband tells her she must keep the skunk warm and suggests she puts it between her legs.

"But what about the smell?" the woman exalts!

The husband turns to her and says, "Just put your fingers over it’s nose."

　　

Scene: The finish line of the famous Venice Canal swim race. A newspaper reporter is interviewing Pierre, who was favored to win the race.

Reporter: "Pierre, you were favored to win today’s Venice Canal race by a 1/4 mile; this wasn’t even supposed to challenge you. Why then did you finish dead last, shocking your fans?"

Pierre: "Well, at the start I was in the lead, and taking it easy, knowing there was no one in reach of me. As I passed under the first bridge, Suzzette was standing on top of it, rubbing her hips, and looking very sexy. She was calling to me, saying, ’Pierre, I am yours when you finish the race.’ This started to get me excited, my swim suit was getting uncomfortable.

"The next bridge I passed under, the beautiful Rose was standing on the bridge. She had her shirt off, and was fondling her large breasts, saying, ’these are for you when you finish the race, Pierre.’

"I was now dragging in the mud. The other swimmers were now in sight, but I swam on. The third bridge I passed under, the naked Bridget was standing on it. She was rubbing her body, and calling to me, saying, ’I am yours when you finish the race Pierre, I want you so bad.’

"This was it, I was now stuck in the mud, all the other swimmers passed me, and I was sad to let down my fans. I didn’t know what to do."

Reporter: "But Pierre, why didn’t you try the backstroke?"

Pierre: "Ah, but how could I get under the bridges?"

A group of fellows always enjoyed their game of golf, but one of the boys was having trouble seeing the ball. His friends kept telling him he needed glasses.

Finally, he bought himself a pair, and his game improved 100%.

Back in the clubroom, they were talking over a few beers. "You’re playing better since you got your glasses," one said.

"You’re right, I look down, and the ball’s as big as a basketball, just can’t miss it now," he said. After a few more beers, he said. "Gotta go to the toilet; be back in a minute."

When he came back, the front of his trousers was all wet.

"Gee, what happened to you?" his friends asked.

"I don’t know," he replied.

"I got in there, pulled it out, and it looked too big to be mine, so I put it back.

A couple were on their honeymoon, laying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I`m not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That`s no big thing in this day and ge."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I`ve been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he`s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.

"I`m hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn`t do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He`d come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes Over to the phone.

"What are you doing now?" she says.

"I`m still hungry so I was going to ring room service and order some food."

"Tiger wouldn`t do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He`d come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he`s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I`m calling Tiger Woods to find out what`s par for this hole !"

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler`s trainer comes to him and says, "Now don`t forget all the research we`ve done on this Russian. He`s never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don`t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you`re finished!"

The wrestler nods in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows all is lost. He can`t watch the ending. Suddenly there`s a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian`s back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer is astounded! When he finally gets the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

"Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.", replied wrestler,

"you`d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

　　

Once there was a beautiful woman, all alone on Christmas Eve. She stood in a see-through black negligee, holding a crystal cup, and drinking the best wine. Candles were lit on the tables and silk stockings hung over the mantle. Santa comes sliding down the chimney and starts to put things in the stockings.

She clears her throat, shimmies her shoulders, and says, "Santa would you like to stay a while?"

Santa looks her over and says, "Ho Ho Ho got to go, lots of toys to deliver you know."

She slips her left arm out of the negligee, exposes her left breast, shimmies again, and says, "Santa would you like to stay for a little while now?"

Santa looks her over again and says, "Ho Ho Ho got to go, lots of toys to deliver you know."

She slips her right arm out of her negligee, exposes both her breasts, and says, "Santa would you like to say now??"

Santa looks her over and says, "Ho Ho Ho got to go, lots of toys to deliver you know."

Frustrated and desperate, she slips the gown off, and stands naked in the candlelight. She shimmies again and says, "Santa would you like to stay for a little while now??"

Santa looks at her and says, "Hey hey hey got to stay, can`t get up the chimney this way!"

　　

After an airliner encounters a pretty rough patch of turbulence the captain’s voice came on over the intercom:

"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn’t it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I’m happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today’s flight crew, I’d like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston."

After a short pause and several clicks, we heard, "Jesus Christ... What a bitchin’ ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now!"

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her,

"Don’t forget the coffee!"

Four married guys go golfing over the weekend and on Sunday during the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued.

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That`s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they ask him. "You haven`t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What`s the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "That`s easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say,

`Golf Course or Intercourse?`

So she says, `Wear your sweater.`"

A fellow tees off, and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past a stand of trees and then hears a shriek.

He runs over and finds a woman knocked out cold. The man runs back to the clubhouse and shouts, "Is there a doctor here?"

"I’m a doctor," another man says, rising. "What’s the trouble?"

"I just hit a woman with a golf ball out there and she’s unconscious!"

"Well where did you hit her?" the doctor asks.

"Between the first and second holes."

"Oh my," the doctor says, shaking his head. "That doesn’t leave much room for stitches!"

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn`t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I`ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."

He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can`t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you`d better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said:

"Small world."

　　

A: Why are you crying?

B: The elephant is dead.

A: Was he your pet?

B: No, but I’m the one who must dig his grave.

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife`s golf ball..........stuck right in the middle of the cow`s butt. That`s when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asked the doctor.

Well.........

I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,

"Hey, this looks like yours!"

A guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter issues him a white robe, a harp, and his very own cloud to float around on.

The guy thinks this is great.

One day he sees another cloud float by.

The guy on that cloud has a gorgeous, naked woman and a keg of beer with him.

The first guy finds St. Peter and complains to him, “How come this guy gets a gorgeous babe and keg of beer, when all I got is this white robe and a lousy harp?”

St. Peter says, “I know just who you’re talking about. He’s being punished.”

The guy can’t believe what he’s hearing.

“How can that be?”, he asks.

Well, says St. Peter, “The keg has a hole in it, and the girl doesn’t.”

　　

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.

"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac.

Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied,

"Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display.

The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled... "Got Milk".

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled.... "Forgot milk".

The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled ...."Not Milk...."

　　

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That`s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

She says, "Mother, he’s wonderful. He’s rich beyond our wildest dreams. He has homes in the south of France, Beverly Hills, New York, and about a dozen other cities. He has a 200 ft yacht, Ferraris, Rolls Royces, and a jet airplane. There is only one problem....he says he really likes anal sex, and I know how you feel about that"

The mother says, "Well I don’t know dear. I’m only thinking of your happiness. I’m not sure a man like this will make you happy".

The daughter replies, "Yes but if I marry him, you will never want for another thing as long as you live."

The mother considers this and finally agrees to allow them to marry.

They are married shortly thereafter and go off to their honeymoon. During their honeymoon the mother receives a new house, a new car, and a sizeable pension every month from her new son-in-law.

Six months later the daughter returns from her honeymoon and she is mad as hell. She fumes, kicks furniture and swears she wants a divorce. Her mother asks her why she is so angry.

"Mother, I want a divorce. The man is an animal. All he ever wants is anal sex. All day, every day. It’s constant. Mother do you know that before I was married, my sphincter was the size of a penny, and now it’s as big as a silver dollar!"

The mother considers this for a minute and says, "I think you should reconsider dear. Do you really want me to give all this up for a measly 99 cents?"

A trucker goes into the truck stop restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken noodle soup. After eating a little bit of it he finds a hair in it. He starts yelling and cussing, then storms out of there.

The waitress follows him across the street to the whorehouse. She tells the Madam to watch the son-of-a-bitch because he stiffed her on the tab and tip.

So the Madam goes into his room, and there he is with his head buried between the prostitute’s legs.

"LOOK AT YOU!" she screams. "You wouldn’t pay for that bowl of soup because of one lousy hair and now you got whole mouth full of them!"

He slowly pulls his head out from between the girls legs and says, "Yeah, and I’ll tell you something else. If I find a noodle in here I ain’t paying for this som’ bitch neither!"

　　

A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it was OK to have sex during her pregnancy.

He told them that during the first trimester they could do it normal-style.

During the second trimester they should do it doggie-style.

During the third trimester they would be limited to wolf-style.

"Wolf-style?" queried the husband, "What`s that?"

"That`s when you lie next to the hole and howl!"

　　

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That’s fine," said the girl. "I’ll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that old buzzard," she replied, "That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time in December."

Methods from Human Resources...

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.

4. Then analyze the situation.

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations and they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress

　　

ncient Telephone Networks

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O’Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."

By the seaside

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she’d never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

　　

Doggy Style Variations

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.

"Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she’s more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

　　

The Horny Husband’s Plot

A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife.

He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water."

She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!"

He replied, "Thank God!"

　　

Want A Scoop Honey?

A Husband comes home with a half gallon of Ice Cream. He asked his wife if she wants some.

"How hard is it?" she asked.

"About as hard as my dick," he replies.

To which the woman replied, "OK, then pour me some!"

　　

An Interrupted Journey

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and sneaked him on board the airplane.

About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess

"Yes, I’m fine," said the man.

Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you’re alright sir?"

"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn’t have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

"What’s wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not house trained?"

"No, that’s not the problem. The problem is he’s not weaned yet!"

　　

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Chinese on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Chinese remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.

"And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don`t stop."

　　

An important senator arranges to use an escort service and winds up with a beautiful Japanese girl who speaks no English.

They go into his hotel room and start having sex and she gets into it like three’s no tomorrow!

She starts yelling the same Japanese word over and over and making faces and he can tell he’s driving her crazy! He’s never had it so good.

The next morning, he’s golfing with the Japanese ambassador, and he makes a birdie.

He suddenly remembers the word that the Japanese woman kept yelling out loud the night before, and he yells it out.

The ambassador looks at him strangely, looks at the pin, and says,

"no, that was the right hole."

　　

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating.

"My son, you shouldn’t be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I’ll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father, but there’s only one problem."

"What’s that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 45-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

　　

It had been many years since the day a young woman with a baby in her arms had entered the butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it. After much negotiation, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day a teenager came into the shop and said, "I’ll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I’ve been counting too. Tell your mother when you take this parcel of meat home that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face!"

When the boy arrived home he told his mother what the butcher had said.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

Miss Bea was in her 80`s and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl setting on top of it that was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped, the Minister thought. But he certainly couldn`t mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this," pointing to the bowl.

Oh, yes," she replied, "isn`t it wonderful! I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package.

It said, `put it on your organ and keep it wet`, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working, I haven`t had a cold all winter!

　　

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what’s your excuse?"

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn`t.

The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there`s no reason that you shouldn`t practice anal sex, if that`s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.

The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"

Two law partners hire a sexy, young secretary, and though they’re both already married, they agree to see who can score with her first.

Eventually, one of them scores with her, and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went.

"So, what did you think?" asks the partner.

"Ah," replies the first partner, "my wife is better."

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the young secretary.

"So," asks the first partner, "what did you think?"

The second partner replies, "You’re right... your wife is better."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I`m still a virgin.

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you`ve been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he`d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn`t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn`t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn`t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

But now that I`ve married you, I`m really excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"Duh; you`re a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I`m gonna get screwed!"

A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life.

Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?"

The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.

Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars.

The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam she asks him for three hundred dollars.

"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"

The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren’t being filmed."

Little Johnny had hurt his finger while working on his model airplane. He ran to his mother, who kissed the wound and made it better.

On the way to the store a little later, Johnny fell off his bike and scraped his knee. He ran to his mother, who kissed it and made it better.

Returning from the store, Johnny ran into the town bully, who kicked him in the nuts. Johnny rushed home.

His mother said, "Son, you`re getting more like your father every day!"

In a sunday school class, the teacher asked the students. When you go to heaven, what part of your body will reach first?

One little girl said her hands, because when she prays her hands point to heaven. Another girl said her heart, because when she prays, it all comes from her heart.

And a little boy spoke up and said his feet would reach first. The teacher couldn’t figure this out, so she asked the boy, "How did you come up with feet?"

He said, well the other night i got thirsty, so I got up to get a drink. I passed mommy and daddy’s room, and mommy was lying on her back, with her feet in the air yelling "GOD! ! ! !........... I’M COMMING!"

But, she couldn’t go because daddy was holding her down.

After years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband fondling her in ways he hadn’t in some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started on her neck, then caressed her shoulders and began moving down past the small of her back.

Slowly, he moved his hand over her breasts stopping just over her lower stomach. He proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressing past the side of her breast again working down her side, passing gently over her buttocks and down her leg to her calf.

Then he stopped, rolled over, and was silent.

Aroused by this caressing, she asked in a lovely voice, ’Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?’

He replied, ’I found the remote.

Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and took his wife upstairs for sex. Just when they were really getting into it, their young son entered the room and started to cry.

"What`s wrong, son? Why are you crying?", the father asked.

"You`re hurting my mommy," the little boy replied.

"No, no," the father reassured. "I`m not hurting her. We are making babies."

This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room, the couple went back to their business.

The next day the father came home from work and found his son, on the steps, crying.

"What`s the matter today?" asked Dad.

"It`s those babies you were making with mommy yesterday," the boy answered.

"The mailman ate them today."

The mother of a 16-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying,

"Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!"

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.

"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on.

She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."

Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn,

your tits are hanging in the ashtray.----

　　

This guy has a girl friend named Wendy who finally convinces him to tatoo her name on his penis... well when it’s soft you can only see W Y .

One night they go out and he goes to the restroom. He sees a tall black guy standing at the urinal next to him and notices a "W Y" tattoo on his penis too.

He hesitates then asks the guy if his girlfriend’s name is Wendy too. The guy replies "No, why?"

He explains that his girlfriend had him get "Wendy" tatooed on his penis and it too only shows W Y when it’s soft. Then he asks the guy... so what’s your tatoo say when it’s hard anyway?

The guy replies "Welcome to the united states of American, have a good day!"

　　

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and then sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Little Johnny looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For 50 bucks, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter.

When finished, the Chinese jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.

During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they were done she jumps up, goes to the window, and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed,...and......

finds four Chinese men.

A bloke took his car to a second-hand car dealers and asked if they were interested in buying his battered old Vauxhall for £500.

The salesman inspected the car and offered him 10% less than his asking price.

The bloke, who wasn't very good with figures, said he'd go away and think about it.

Later that night, he went to his local pub. He was sat at the bar thinking about the salesman's offer, when the barmaid asked him what he was deep in thought about.

The bloke said, "If I offered you £500 less 10% what would you take off?"

The barmaid hesitated for a moment then said, "Everything except my ear-rings!"

　　

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.

The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.

"Well, " answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."

The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.

The clerk then asks the man, "Do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"

The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "What is the difference?"

The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."

Then the old guy says, "How come everyone knows about this but me?

In the prime of her career, a world famous painter started to lose her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor`s office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art -- the doctor`s office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, `Thank God I`m not a gynecologist.`

A Cardiologist died and they're having his funeral. The coffin was placed in front of a huge heart.

When the priest finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, then the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

The man replied "I was thinking about my own funeral" the first man asked... "What's so funny about that?"

He responded... "I'm a gynecologist."

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"

Silence fell upon the congregation. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear raincoat!"

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from the military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.

He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don`t want to be drafted, and the M.P.`s are chasing me!"

She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here."

The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, "No."

After they left she told the young man to come out and that everything was going to be OK.

He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun!"

She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you`ll find a nice set of balls, too. I`m not going to be drafted either!"

An eye-doctor was having his 45th birthday and had gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.

Eagerly, the doctor removed and looked down on the cake and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 45 marzipan eyes.

The guest asked him why he laughed. After some minutes of laughing and wiping his eyes, the doctor said,

"I`m just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist."

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctors office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, "I do not seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"

"Yeah, it is really bad whenever it rains," she replies.

"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we will take another look at it."

Two weeks later, it is raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor`s office.

"Doctor, it is really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!"

"Well, let`s have a look," he says, as he lifts her up onto the table.

"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Do not worry ma am, this won’t hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation.

The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma am, try that."

She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That is great, Doc, what did you do?"

"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

　　

Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party`s political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.

A teenage girl is very anxious to offer a small lovely "TRIANGULAR" plot of land for sale centrally situated on the slopes at the level area in " THAILAND" but unobserved by any one till this day.

For the last 19 years plot was tenderly cared and looked after. This plot is "VIRGIN" and extremely fertile and can bear fruits even on the first planting. For the last 4 years the plot is covered with very fine grass which is very better and tender. No chemical are yet used for removing the grass which has covered the whole area detectably.

There is also a small "BORE WELL" hidden in the shrubs and no test is so far carried, but to as certain to the portability of water.Offers are immediately invited from prospective buyers with full and energetic capital who can put immediately.

The buyers should be strong enough to labor hard on the plot and plug in very hard with his "OWN TOOL". Although initially, it will be very hard and difficulty, but once the capital is put in he will not repute and will be delighted to have ventures in into site. It is guaranteed that there will be fully full co-operation from the owner if the buyer is ready to put straight his capital immediately.

No partnership please. No subletting, neighbors are awaiting for the an opportunity to trespass the plot. So hurry up to be the first to enter into the site . AREA : 100 Sq.cm. DEPTH OF WELL : 300 m.m

　　

A group of women stormed a Kenyan police station to demand officers either make love to them or close illegal drinking dens they said made their husbands impotent, a local newspaper reported on Wednesday.

The People newspaper said the women, from Kandara, north of Nairobi, brought business in the town to a halt with their day-long protest against excessive drinking by their menfolk. "Our men have turned to vegetables. They leave home early and come back intoxicated. There is nobody to meet the sexual needs of wives," the newspaper quoted one woman as saying.

The women, drawn from 24 Catholic church groups, demanded that the officer in charge of the police station either order his men to make love to them or find them new husbands because they were sexually frustrated. The paper did not say how police reacted to their demands.

The women said the population of the district was falling as a result of the poor sexual performance of the men.

Tension is when wife is pregnant!

Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!

Horror: When both are pregnant!

Tragedy: When you are NOT responsible for both!

A Professor is teaching muscle movement......asks a lady:

Do you know what your asshole does when you have an orgasm?

Lady: Sure, he's at the office, working!

The stock markets now are like an old man's dick;

Just refusing to rise, and The irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!

Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex .

Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?

Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.

In life, never look down on anybody........

unless you are getting a lovely view of the cleavage!

In life, never look down on anybody.....

Unless you are getting a lovely view of the cleavage!

Why is a woman's pubic hair curly?

So that it won't poke a man in the eye!

Girl: Xcuse me brother, that’s my seat.

Boy: OK! But I’m not yourr brother, my father never fucked your mom.

Girl: True, but my father did !

Why are condoms transparent?

So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene, even if their entry is restricted...!

A old woman calls the Police department and says:

I have a Sex Maniac in my apartment. Please come pick him up in the morning!

What is d similarity between doing sex & doing surgery?

Skill is more important than the instrument...

What is Female Viagra???

Jewelery.

Russian: Sir: We got a huge order from USA for 16 inches condoms. I think it is to embarrass us.

Boss: No problem! Complete the order and mark them SMALL SIZE.

Why is it that a girl looks down when you say "I love you"?

To see if you really mean it..............

Wives are funny creatures.

They won’t having sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

Father in Church: An hour’s pleasure is not worth a lifetime of disgrace. Any questions?

Someone yelled: Tell me how do you make it last an hour ?

　

Newlyweds, Tim and Nancy, spent their wedding night at a hotel.

The following morning, Nancy’s closest friend, Jennifer, came over and asked them how their wedding night went.

"I’m so exhausted," Nancy said. "All night long it was up and down, in and out, up and down, in and out."

Misunderstanding her, an embarrassed Jennifer was shocked that Nancy would speak so crassly.

Tim clarified by adding, "Don’t ever get a room next to an elevator!"

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow’s bottom. That’s when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ’Hey, this looks like yours!"

it cost me almost ten days to read through this post while i should say i really take a great advantage,cause these are you guys’ more than two years efforts. i don’t know whether there are some other posts like this with such a "long life", as this is the first one i read in Tianya.

NIG, althrough you are not LZ, but most of the time, you keep this post attractive and you are so gentle and polite. althrough you rarely come during last six months,replies kept coming and so many people showed their hope for your coming again till you did come,i guess you did feel great surprise and pleasure.Go on!

ambermybady, such a faithful girl, keeping replies in these two years, i’m sure this post brought you much fun.

i think if i had came here earlier, i might keep giving NIG supporting and replies.

anyway, you guys work are highly appreciated.how about we suppose if this post can survive for another 2 years ,10 years or more, when we may find young fellows still join in and enjoy it.

　　

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.

Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door.

Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?"

"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.

Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow’s bottom. That’s when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ’Hey, this looks like yours!"

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them at his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, " It feels great but I still think my thumb’s broken."

　　

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, :Can your dog perform other tricks?".

"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman." Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.

The dogs looks at her and does nothing.

"It’s always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog,

’I’ll show you how to do it ONE LAST TIME’.

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s ass was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

　　

Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company.

Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.

One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was ’DOME’ and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password.

She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did.

After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed.

"Well, what does it mean?", I asked.

She hesitated and then replied, "It’s two words."

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?

Shane: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

Shane: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o`clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Shane ?

Shane: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?

Shane: Ohhhh , I can`t say that.

Presenter: There`s a holiday to Bali at stake here Shane !

Shane: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Shane, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?

Shane: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Kylie, how are you ?

Kylie: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We`ve got Shane on the other line, say hello.

Kylie: Hi Shane.

Shane: Hi Kylie.

Presenter: Now Kylie, we`re going to ask you the same three questions we asked Shane and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Shane: Just tell the truth Honey.

Kylie: O.K.

Presenter: Kylie, when was the last time you had sex ?

Kylie: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can`t say that on radio.

Shane: Kylie, it doesn`t matter. I`ve already told them.

Kylie: O.K. ... About 8: 00 this morning before Shane went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Kylie ?

Kylie: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That`s close enough ... Shane was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Kylie, final question. Where did you do it ?

Kylie: Oh no I can`t say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

Presenter: There`s a trip to Bali on the line here.

Shane: Kylie, I`ve already told them so it doesn`t matter anyway.. just tell’em.

Kylie: Ohhhh .... alright, alright! ! ! .... Up in my axx !

Two deeply religious retirees were playing chess and sipping fine whiskey. They enjoyed the mid-day sun almost as much as much as watching the local citizens walk by.

A few minutes go by and a middle-aged woman pushes a baby stroller past them.

The first man looks to the other and says, "Are you thinking what I’m thinking?"

"Aye," says the other as he takes a pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a wee one."

"Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they go about their game of chess.

A few minutes later, a young couple strolls down the avenue hand in hand, gazing deeply into each other’s eyes.

The first man looks to the other and says, "Are you thinking what I’m thinkin’?"

"Aye," says the other as he takes another pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a lover."

"Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they do about their game of chess.

A few more minutes later, a young lass wearing clothes scarcely covering her shapely curves, stops right in front of them. She bends over giving them full exposure to her lovely rear and smells the flowers in a near flowerbed and walks on.

The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "Are you thinking what I’m thinking?"

"I’m not rightly sure this time, Shamus," says the other as he takes yet another pull from his whiskey. "But if I am, I’ll surely be joining’ you in confession this afternoon."

Married life has many Ups and Downs......................... May most of yours be between the sheets!

　　

Define contraceptive pill?

It’s the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.

Define contraceptive pill?

It’s the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.

Define contraceptive pill?

It’s the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.

Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you............. It’s only when you leave her a virgin!

　　

Prof teaching muscle movement. Asks a lady: Do you know what your asshole does when you have an orgasm?

Lady: Sure, he’s at the office, working!

　　

Why did the Grammar teacher slap your Son in English class?

Be cause he asked: Why is "BRA" Singular, when it covers 2 items, And "PANTIES" Plural, when it Covers one item??

　　

Do you know the similarity between a dick & matchstick?

Both have heads without brains, both flare up at slightest friction, both fizzle out after showing valor for.........2secs !!!

　　

In life, never look down on anybody, unless you are getting a lovely view of the cleavage!

　　

Male Bashing

Q: Why did God put men on earth?

A: Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

Q: Why do men masturbate?

A: It’s sex with someone they love.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

A: So they won’t hump women’s legs at BBQ parties.

Q: Why is a man’s pee yellow and his sperm white?

A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Q: What’s a man’s idea of foreplay?

A: A half hour of begging.

　　

Why is "BRA" Singular, when it covers 2 items, And "PANTIES" Plural, when it Covers one item??

Thst’s huge question.

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It’s my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother’s washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy’s face with it."

　　

Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex .

Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?

Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.

If necessity is the mother of invention, then~~~~Frustration is the father of masturbation!

　　

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it’s because you’re blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it’s because you’re blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?" "No, it’s because you’re 25."

　　

A blonde went into a global message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost 200 bucks, she exclaimed, "I don’t have that kind of money!! But I’ll do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in France!"

The man arched an eyebrow, "Anything?" "Yes, absolutely anything" the blonde promised.

With that, the man said, "Follow me."

He walked into the next room and ordered her to come in and close the door. She did.

He then said, "Get on your knees."

She did.

Then he said, "Take down my zipper."

She did.

He said, "Go ahead... take it out."

She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"

The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips................... she said loudly, "Hello.... MOM?"

　　

Eva, a blonde city girl, marries a rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Eva, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Eva takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one..... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That’s simple. By the nail over its stall," Eva explains.

Then the man asks, "What’s the nail for?"

"I guess it’s to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer.

Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Why do niggers carry shit in their wallet?

Identification

Why do niggers wear wide brimmed hats?

So birds won’t shit on their lips

What do you say when you see your t.v. floating around at night?

Drop it nigger

Why are niggers so fast?

All slow ones are in jail

What is long and hard on a nigger?

First Grade

　　

In 4th Grade who has the biggest dick,

the wetback,

the white boy,

or the nigger?

The nigger,,, he’s 16

　　

What do you call a white man surrounded by 5 black men?

victim

　　

How about a white man surrounded by 10 men?

A quarter-back

　　

How about a white man surrounded by 20 black men?

basketball coach

　　

A white man surrounded by 40 black men?

a football coach

　　

A white man surrounded by 1,000 black men?

a warden

　　

What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a nigger?

A dumb gorilla

　　

What do you get when you cross a monkey and a nigger?

Nothing, monkeys are too smart to fuck niggers

　　

What do niggers and sperm have in common?

Only one in two million work

　　

Why do niggers always have sex on their minds?

Because of the pubic hair on their heads.

　　

What happened when the nigger looked up his family tree?

A gorilla shit in his face

Two prostitutes were talking:

1st: We are in the best business in the world.

2nd: How?

1st: We have it, sell it, and we still have it.

Life is all about Ass;

We are either covering it,

laughing it off,

kicking it,

kissing it,

busting it,

trying to get a piece of it,

or behaving like one!

　　

Do remember.........

When you date or having O,N,S, always looking for a girl with small palm. Why??

She will make your "part" looks bigger.

If you have a trouble with your eyes, you have to check it to eye doctor, because maybe you need eyeglasses. The doctor will give you some test to check if you can not read a letter in long distance. If you have that difficulty, you have to purchase good quality eyeglasses.

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For the holiday season, they often provide some coupon code which you can enjoy further 10% discount,don’t spend a forune getting the eyeglasses from the local optical,get your fashion eyeglasses.

　　

Great door signs:

Gynecologist: Dr Jones at your cervix.

Septic tank truck: Yesterday’s meals on wheels.

Plumber’s office: We repair what your husband fixed.

Tire shop: Invite us to your next blowout.

Electrical shop: Let us remove your shorts.

Maternity room: Push, Push, Push.

　　

Why is a woman’s pubic hair curly?

So that it won’t poke a man in the eye!

Two blondes approach the perfume counter. They pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and sniffs it.

"That’s quite nice," she says. "Don’t you think so, Anna?"

Anna takes a whiff, "That is nice," she says. "What’s it called?"

"Viens a moi," replies Nancy.

"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"

"Viens a moi, ladies," the clerk intervenes helpfully, "is ’come to me’ in French."

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Anna again.

"That doesn’t smell like cum to me," she opines. "Does that smell like cum to you?"

A loving husband tattooed "I LOVE you" on his dick and showed it to his wife.

She replied: "As always!!! ! ! !This is your old habit of Putting Words Into My Mouth...!"

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

A man was in a terrible accident at home and his penis was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his member, but that he was not covered by insurance at work, nor the Government insurance and his private health insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery as, luckily, he was not incontinent and with his testes intact he would not suffer premature hypothyroidism and, as he had a vasectomy the operation would not be considered a medical necessity, but "cosmetic".

The doctor said that the cost would be $5000 for "small", $7500 for "medium", and $10,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before deciding. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" he asked.

The man answered, "She’d rather remodel the kitchen!"

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

　　

Every married man keeps wondering every evening:

Should I go out and look at what I cannot fuck or....

Stay home and fuck what I cannot look at....

Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party`s political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the nurse’s office.

He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought you were told to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school."

Tim and Joe went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look.

"What’s going on?" Tim asked one of the crowd. "We’re watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine.

"Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there’s a prize of $1000 for anybody who can."

"I can do that!" Tim said confidently.

"No you can’t," said Joe.

"I sure as hell can!" said Tim.

"You’ll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster," said Joe.

"Watch this," said Tim and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Tim clung to its back.

After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Tim was a blur.

But when the three minutes were up Tim was still on the machine’s back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Joe.

"Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?" Joe asked.

"Remember three months ago," Tim said... "When my wife had whooping cough...?"

Before Harry went on a long tour he asks Bill to inform if anything unusual happens at home.

Bill SMSs after a month: Man who comes to Screw your Wife daily, didn’t come today.

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The managers is betting every dock worker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.

Bets are made, and they agree that they’ll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock. The guy drops his pants and starts.

True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50. 51. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............

...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.

The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don’t understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"

A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.

Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks.

The manager calls up the newspaper and objects.

So the editor changes the headline. It reads: Team to play with Dicks out.

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectal deodorant.

The pharmacist explains to the man they don't sell rectal deodorant and that in fact he's never heard of it before.

The man assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store for years and needs some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the man.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes!" said the man, "I'll go home and get it."

He returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to him, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the man snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

　　

Two friends went out golfing and their tee shots were horrible. One guy hit it way left, the other way right. They decided that the shots were so bad that they would just meet up at the hole.

So, the first guy looks and looks and finds his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. So he promptly pulls out his seven iron and starts whacking away. Buttercups are flying everywhere but the ball won't come out.

Finally Mother Nature got mad. She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year."

The man started to laugh and goes back to whacking at the Buttercups.

Mother Nature said, "Hey! This is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?"

The man said, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows."

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck,"' the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then wouldn't have a siren."

　　

Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.

Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.....

Then you; My friend will be "THE MAN!"

Do you like maths?

If so add a bed, subtract your clothes, divide your legs and we can multiply!

Q: Who got higher rank: Penis or Vagina?

A: Vagina, because penis always stands up in its honor.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

　　

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

This week is Breast Awareness Week.............

Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!

We had a girl to stay; her name was Virginia.

We called her Virgin for short, but not for long.

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?" The old man said,

"We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Super size."

As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

What 3 words does a woman not want to hear when having sex?

Darling I'm home!

There was a short fellow named Stubbs on trial for raping a woman, aided by a bucket. He adamantly protested his innocence, claiming inability.

Well, the judge said, "If you can prove you were physically incapable of raping this woman, we will certainly acquit you."

So the little guy stands on top of the bucket, and sure enough, he doesn't even come up to the woman's crotch. Keeping his word, the judge acquits him.

About a month later, the judge passes Stubbs on the sidewalk and says to him, "So... now that you've been freed of all charges, tell me, did you rape that woman?"

"Sure did!" Stubbs replies.

"But how? You didn't even come up to her crotch."

"Oh, you must have misunderstood. I just threw the bucket on top of her head and swung from the handle!"

　　

Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don`t know what to do here," the devil says. "You`re on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I`ll tell you what I`m going to do: I`ve got a couple of people here who weren`t quite as bad as you. I`ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I`ll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room.

In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," bin Laden said, "I don`t think so. I`m not a good swimmer and I don`t think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I`ve got this problem with my shoulder. I`d be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," Laden commented.

So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you`re free to go."

　　

Saddam Hussein had an accident, so he was rushed to the hospital. The doctor had to perform an instant operation, due to his injuries. Saddam was wounded on the face and a deep scar was formed on his skin, but under his bushy beard. The doctor shaved off a part of his beard and then performed the surgery.

Afterward, the doctor performed more surgery to replace the missing part of the beard, so he would look good as new.

The doctor cut off Saddam's pubic hair and implanted it surgically on his face where the beard was missing.

Saddam awakened and then after 2-3 days, he was discharged and he went back home. After six months, Saddam came to the hospital to talk to the doctor who performed his operation.

Saddam said, "Doc, everything is okay, but a peculiar thing has happened to me many times."

The doctor asks, "What is happening?"

Saddam replies, "Whenever I scratch my beard, my penis gets erect!

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".

The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don`t tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don`t say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother."

"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn`t time before your birthday."

The little girl replied,"Why don`t you do like they do down at Daddy`s factory when they want something in a hurry..................... put more men on the job."

This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband`s car pull in the driveway.

She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window; my husband is home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can`t jump out the window! It`s raining like crazy out there and I`m naked!"

She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a "running marathon," so he started to run along beside the others - only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes over his arm.

One of the runners asked, "Do you always run in the nude?"

He answered, while gasping for breath, "Oh yes. It feels so freeing having the air blow over my skin while I`m running."

Another runner then asked the nude lover, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

The naked lover answered breathlessly, "Oh yes. That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car and just go straight home without a shower!"

The marathon runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

The nude man answered, "Only if it`s raining."

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish.... each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want A million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks."

"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?"

A drunken man comes home with his friend. Reaching near his home he shows his friend his car and says, "This is my Car, and that my door, hitch brrrro ".

They enter into the house, he continues giving information to his friend in his drunk tone, "U know...that`s my couch, he..he..Come, come".

They take the stairs and he takes his friend to his bedroom where his wife is making love to this other guy and they are both naked on the bed caught red handed. This man continues pointing towards his wife,

"Hey buddy, that woman who is lying naked is my wife and that man on top of her is....

...ME !!!!"

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers, before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers.

He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he s a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the 2nd nun..."a soap dispenser." To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap.

The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells...

"Look, hand cream also!"

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus 10,000 Dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars. When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "One in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan... Keep measuring!!"

Santa went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' Santa said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said Santa.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said Santa. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass...well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger`s going to shake his peter at you."

A boy is telling proudly to his close friend as to what he did with his girlfriend whom he took to a hotel room for three consequtive nights.

Boy to his friend, "First day I took out her cloths waited for some time and we came back."

Friend asks him, "Only this much? Why?

Boy Replies, "Because, She should not feel that I do not have courage to undress her."

Boy further tells his friend, "Second day, I undressed her and also undressed my self, and then we came back."

Friend again asked him, "Really? That's all?

Boy Replies, "Yeah. Because, she should not feel that I can not control myself".

Boy further reports to his friend, "On third and last day, I undressed her, then I undressed myself, then I masturbated and we came back immediately."

Friend shockingly asks him, "No sex with her at all? Why?"

Boy replies, "Yeah. Because she should not feel that I can not manage with out her"

Bill Clinton and a Priest are on a cruise ship going to the Bahamas. The waiter comes up and asks Bill Clinton,"Sir, what would you like to drink?"

"Whiskey, and make it stout."

So the waiter quickly brings his drink and then asks the Priest, "Would you like a Whiskey too?"

The Priests replies, "I would rather be raped by a whore than have alcohol touch my lips."

Bill Clinton spits out his whiskey and says,"Oh, I didn`t know that was a choice also."

　　

A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display.

The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled... "Got Milk".

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled.... "Forgot milk".

The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled ....

"Not Milk...."

　　

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

　　

Q: What`s the difference between sin and shame?

A: It is a sin to put it in, but it s a shame to pull it out.

　　

Q: What`s the speed limit of sex?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

　　

Q: What s the ultimate rejection?

A: When you re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

　　

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it s not a big deal unless you are not getting any.

　　

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

　　

A surgeon went to check on his very "famous" patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You`ll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, Doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What`s the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won`t I?"

He replied, "Yes, you`ll be fine, Miss Lewinsky It`s just that no one has ever asked me that after a "tonsillectomy..."

　　

A surgeon went to check on his very "famous" patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You`ll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, Doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What`s the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won`t I?"

He replied, "Yes, you`ll be fine, Miss Lewinsky It`s just that no one has ever asked me that after a "tonsillectomy..."

Joe is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy bartender. He slapped a ten on the table and says, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."

She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet. Joe took his glass eye out placed it beside the glass and went to the bathroom.

"Betcha I can bite my own ear," Jor challenged. The bet was accepted and he took out his false teeth & nipped his ear. Once more he scooped up the money.

"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."

Now that was one thing she knew about so she accepted the bet. Joe lifted her skirt & away they went..............

"I can feel you," she cried.

"Oh well," Joe said,

"You win some, you lose some !!"

During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Roxanne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air.

Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Roxanne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her.

Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time boys, one at a time."

This large, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless, stained sundress, walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a quite unshaven armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar. "What damn gentleman around here will buy this young lady a drink?" she demands in a deep, gravelly voice.

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. The men next to her quickly move away -- mainly because of her body odor.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunken man slams his hand on the bar and says: "Bartender! Put it on my tab. I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender obliges and pours the drink.

After she chugalugs the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hirsute armpit. "What F%$#@ gentleman around here will buy a F#@$%& young lady a drink?" she again asks.

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says: "Bartender! I`d like to buy that ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink.

The bartender approaches the little drunk. "It`s your business," says the bartender, "if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

"Sir!" replies the drunk, "In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he could not hear.

The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.

The third nurse fainted

I was not feeling very well yesterday, so hI decided to go to a doctor. While I was waiting in the doctor`s reception room, a nun came out of the doctor`s office. She looked very ashen, drawn and haggard.

After I went into the doctor`s office and said to the doctor, "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."

The doctor said, "I just told her that she is pregnant."

Out of disbelieve, I exclaimed, "Oh my, is she?"

The doctor responded, "No, but it sure cured her hiccups.

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don`t mind, but I feel much luckier when I`m completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally,one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly check-up. When it was finished, she asked her doctor, "How is everything?"

He responded, "I`m very pleased and you are in great shape, and happy to announce that you are pregnant."

"No way!" she exclaimed.

He assured, "You are most definitely pregnant."

She stormed out of the examining room, grabbed the receptionist`s phone and dialed the private line to the Oval Office.

Bill answered the phone and she shouted, "I can`t believe it! I`m pregnant! You got me pregnant!"

The president didn`t say anything, so she continued to scream, "Didn`t you hear me? I`m pregnant! You got me pregnant!"

Hesitantly, the president said, "Um...

Who IS This?"

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word ~indefinitely~ in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.

But the teacher knows he`s a trouble maker and that he doesn`t know the answer, so she calls on Jim.

Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."

"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"

Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely."

The teacher then says that the sentence was too much alike the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there`s Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him.

Johnny stands up and says, "As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was ~in...definitely~! ! !

This guy is really into blow up dolls and rings his mail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic.

The supplier says, "I have just the thing, `Life-like Tina`, So realistic you can`t tell the difference!"

The guy orders one. Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic `Life-like Tina` looks, so he decides to blow it up. Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.

Washing it afterward, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy.

A month later the guy calls up, "You know that `Life-like Tina` blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am."

Supplier: "That`s great!"

Guy: "Yeah, it`s a totally believable experience."

Supplier: "Realistic then?"

Guy: "So realistic, I got syphilis."

A man while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th ! hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a saleswoman and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I`m in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you`ll laugh."

"No, I won`t."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax (女用卫生巾)."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That`s not what I`m laughing at," he replied.

"I`m a toilet paper salesman, so I`m still a hole behind you.

The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws.

At last, he took his assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patient's balls a vicious pinch.

The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed.

"Didn't hurt that much, did it?" asked the dentist.

"Not too much," replied the patient,

"but who would have thought the root went that deep?!"

　　

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's um... little sailor can't salute anymore.

She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her.

The doctor thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, "Listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's on his way out...Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed."

The wife is very happy and thanks the doctor profusely.

Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.

The lady blushes, smiles and says, "Well I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well,

we just need an antidote now to close the coffin."

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As it made its appearance it was dark and had an afro.

The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you ever slept with a black man?" She said, "Well, yes, but only once." "Once is all it takes," he replied.

Then the torso appeared and it was yellow. "Ma'am, have you ever slept with an Asian man?" the doctor asked. "Well, yes," she said, "but only once."

"Once is all it takes," he said.

When the legs appeared they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian and she said, "only once" and he replied that that was all it took.

Then the doctor held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry.

"Oh, thank God," she exclaimed, "at least it doesn't bark!"

Three women walk in a pet shop.

Suddenly the parrot yells out, "White, pink, blue."

The first lady says, "That's funny, I'm wearing white underwear."

The others then say, "No way, we are wearing pink and blue."

To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the parrot shouted, "white ! white ! white!"

The three women are amazed.

The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the parrot yelled, "Bald, curly and straight!"

They never went there again!!

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.

Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive erection she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behaviour.

"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and he surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't you give it a try too?"

"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."

And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too!

Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!"

"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."

The newlywed couple, Harry and Lindy, arrives in their honeymoon suite, and it turns out that they are both virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to Harry.

"OK, honey," he says, "This is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom."

Lindy is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have any better ideas she agrees. So, Harry goes into the closet and Lindy goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed.

The anticipation is driving him mad and as he takes off his clothes he begins to get an enormous erection. Lindy turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush out into the bedroom towards each other. However since the room is dark Harry gets disoriented and runs by her...right into the dresser. He hits his willy against the dresser so hard that he passes out from the pain.

The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hospital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing dick is still so painful that he moans to the doctor, "Doc, doc, how bad is it?"

To which the doctor replied, "That's nothing son. Wait till you see your wife! We still haven't gotten her off the doorknob yet."

　　

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.

The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.

As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders.

As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.

After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"

The man says, "Two's fine."

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and into his cup drops them.

"And cream?" she asks.

The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.

The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.

As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders.

As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.

After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"

The man says, "Two's fine."

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and into his cup drops them.

"And cream?" she asks.

The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.

The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.

As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders.

As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.

After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"

The man says, "Two's fine."

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and into his cup drops them.

"And cream?" she asks.

The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.

The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.

As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders.

As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.

After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"

The man says, "Two's fine."

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and into his cup drops them.

"And cream?" she asks.

The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.

The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.

As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders.

As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.

After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"

The man says, "Two's fine."

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and into his cup drops them.

"And cream?" she asks.

The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud.

"This is not the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.

Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.

"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same Cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

　　

Jones and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Jones says, 'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.'

She's out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, 'How much?'

She says, 'A hundred dollars'.

He says, 'Sh*t. All I've got is thirty'.

She says, 'Hold on.'

She runs back to Jones and says, 'What can he get for thirty dollars?' Jones says, 'A hand job'.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.

He says, 'Okay'.

She gets in the car; he unzips his pants and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, 'I'll be right back.'

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, 'Jones, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?'

Recently Mr. Paul got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, the new secretary noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she mentioned, "Mr. Paul, your barracks door is open."

Mr. Paul did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied,

"Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient.

He told her, "I'll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we'll just tighten the screw a little and the wrinkles will disappear!"

The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, "Go for it!"

The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy. A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation.

She pointed to her face and said, "Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?"

The surgeon looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw pretty soon you'll have a goatee!"

　　

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy, planned the robbery and went over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.

The robbery began. Judy drove up in front of the bank, stopped the car and said to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," replied Buffie.

Buffie went in the bank while Judy waited in the getaway car. One minute passed...three minutes pass...seven minutes pass...and Judy was really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here came Buffie.

She had a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she got the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard`s pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he was firing his weapon.

As the gals are getting away, Judy yelled, "You are such a Fool! I thought you understood the plan!"

Buffie said, "I did. I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," snapped Judy.

"You got it all mixed up. I said, `Tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!`"

Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass by a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

The brunette sighs and says, "Oh damn, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again...for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and asks, "What`s wrong, don`t you like getting flowers?"

The brunette replies, "Oh sure...but he always has expectations after buying me flowers, and I really don`t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde asks, "Don`t you have a vase?"

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said,

"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

　　

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don`t know anything about each other."

He said, "That`s all right, we`ll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said," That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we`d learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.

After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal

Three blonde sisters got married on the same day. Since, they could not afford to go on a honeymoon, they stayed home.

That night, the mother couldn`t sleep. She heard her oldest daughter screaming, while her second daughter laughed all through the night. However, there was silence in her youngest daughter`s room.

So, the next morning when the men left, intrigued, she asked her oldest daughter: "Why were you screaming last night?"

The reply was, "Mom, you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

She then looked at her second daughter and asked: "Why were you laughing last night?"

"Mom, you always said that if something tickled, you should laugh," was the answer.

She now asked her youngest daughter, "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full," came the answer.

This guy Harry goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I`ve got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"

The doctor said" put this on and come back next week if it doesn`t work."

Harry comes back the next week and the cream hadn`t worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn`t work.

Then Harry comes back and the cream still hasn`t worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."

He drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor, it worked!! What was that?"

The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"

A man goes hunting with a bunch of his friends on His land!!

They have been hunting a while and his best friend says "hey I can see in your bedroom with my scope".

He says " who's that man in the bedroom with your wife?

The husband says "what? You are joking? Right?"

The friend replies,"no honestly. I can see them!!"

The husband says "Fine! Shoot her in the head and him in the private!!"

The friend replies........

"I CAN GET THAT IN ONE SHOT!!!!!!!!"

The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continued.

After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I am happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We are going to send you home tomorrow. You do not have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. "Doris, you will never believe it! I am completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I am going to make love like you have never had before - wild, passionate sex! You will love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I do not know, Sol. I have heard about active sex and heart conditions. I do not want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor’s office.

His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I will write the note. Let’s see, here`s my prescription pad:

Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.

Now, I will just address this. By the way, Sol, what’s your wife’s first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, To Whom It May Concern?"

The newly-married daughter-in-law demurely told her mother-in-law, "Mum! I want to know about the customs here."

The mother-in-law said, "Yes Yes, go ahead!"

"How many months after marriage are babies delivered here?" the daughter-in-law inquired.

"Why ? after nine months," told the mother-in-law, struck by her daughter-in-law`s innocence.

"But," declared the daughter-in-law, "At my father`s place, they do it after six months, and for the first time, I shall follow their custom."

A man walks up to the bartender and says, "Y`see that cup over there? I`ll bet $100 that I can piss in it from here!"

The bartender readily agrees, because the shot glass is way over on the other side of the bar. So the man unzips and whips it out, then pisses in a million different directions, coming nowhere even close to the shot glass.

Meanwhile the bartender`s laughing so hard he can barely breathe.

"Pay up," gasps the bartender, so the man walks over and grabs $400 from a third guy playing pool.

The bartender asks, "Why did that guy give you the money?"

And the first guy says, "`Cause I bet him $400 I could piss all over your bar and you`d just laugh about it!"

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom.

The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor.

As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don`t think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"

"Well, I don`t think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she`s only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I`ll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again!

He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don`t understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the roomb became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you`re one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"

"But, I still don`t understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see,"

laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $15.

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam"

"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel," says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.

"Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same old clients. How are you doing, George?" says the parrot.

A Zebra somehow managed to get loose from a zoo and wandered into the countryside.He came to a farm where the thing he saw was a sheep.

"What do you do?" asked the Zebra.

"I grow wool."

Then he saw a cow. "What do you do?"

"I give milk."

Next he saw a hen. "What do you do?"

"I lay eggs."

Then he saw a bull...........

"What do you do."

"Take off those pajamas and I`ll show you."

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don`t mind, but I feel much luckier when I`m completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.

With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded..........

Finally,one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I`ll try it, "He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.

He couldn`t do it in his office.

He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.

He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What`s going on down there?"

The man replied, "I`m checking out the rear axle, it`s busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you`re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

Three Irishmen are enjoying a round of stout in the local pub when suddenly a drunk stumbles in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle...

The drunk shouts, "Your mom`s the best damn lay in town!"

Everyone in the pub expects a fight, but the young strong man just ignores him.

The drunk mumbles as he wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Barely ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-e-t!"

Once again the young man holds back his Irish temper and refuses to take the bait. The drunk sneers as he wanders back to the far end of the bar.

Not two minutes pass when once again he`s back harassing the young man.

For all to hear, the drunk yells in the man`s ear: "You know, your mom even let me..."

Finally, the young man loses his temper, grabs the drunk by the shoulders, shakes him hard and shouts:

"Go home Dad, you`re drunk!"

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.

The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."

The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."

The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with pussies this big." (He then stretched his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish justice.)

"I can't believe you mate" the Aussie remarked.

"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.

"They stretch man, they stretch."

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it in my eyes."

A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'

The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'

The doctor replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you hit her head with the shovel.'　

One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage. She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, jonny?

"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.

"No, I`m sorry. That`s the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher.

"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn`t know the stem was that long!"

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.

When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?"

The other answered: "Yeah! It`s probably because they have toys to play with!"

"Miss Veronica, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from the men's magazine explained.

"Why?"

"It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black."

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."

A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular Scandinavian-looking young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached out for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there were screams of passion. The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and asks, "OK, now you finish?"

And once again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly purrs, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously -- screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiling proudly, and says,

"Now you finish!"

"No!" she shouts back, "I Swedish!"